BPDFamily.com

My gf (32) and I (43) have been together for about seven months. Things started out great—she was happy, giving, interested in everything I did, always asking me questions to learn more. I was excited to start a relationship with her and willing to change a lot of things to make it work. She told me very early on that before we had been together, she had been dealing with serious depression, but she felt like she was getting better, was taking her meds, and that if it came back, we could deal with it together.

I asked her about it, and she was open and shared how she felt. I was concerned but felt like I would do my best to handle it for this person. We had a few fights in the first few months, but nothing out of the ordinary for couples learning how to be together. Then she decided to cut her dose in half. Shortly after that, she started to get very emotional and demanding of me.

She was usually staying at my apartment and began complaining about things there (the cleanliness, the water pressure in the shower, my cat being loud). I did what I could to address what I could—cleaning the apartment, buying a new showerhead, cleaning out a closet for her to put clothes in when she stayed over.

The emotional break downs started getting worse and began turning into marathon late-night calls where she would say pretty awful things to me (being with you was a mistake, I have had to lower my expectations to be with you, I could do better than you, I hate men like you, f---king white guys are all the same {she is Taiwanese}). She would also express love for me in terms of what she got out of our relationship.

These conversations were interspersed with demands that I tell her I understand her. I would tell her what I understood, but usually she would say it was wrong and go on hours-long rants about five or ten different things. Then she would tell me to show her that I understood. Of course, I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't remember everything she had said, and the cycle would continue.

She would make seemingly small things (like me saying "bye" instead of "bye-bye" on the phone) into huge issues and complain about them. She tried several times to break up and, after my initial protestations, I would tell her that it's not what I want, but I respect her decision because I want her to be happy. She would then walk it back and demand that I tell her what she needs to hear so we could stay together. And again, the cycle would continue.

She was also making it very difficult to see my friends without her. Often, when I would go to a friend’s house without her, she would have a panic attack or an emotional crisis, and we would have to have a discussion until two or three in the morning. I am a teacher and have my first class at 8 a.m., so these late-night chats were exhausting.

A few weeks ago, after all the attempted breakups and in a state of mental and physical exhaustion, I told her I was breaking up with her. I told her that she wouldn’t respect my boundaries, that she had said very hurtful things, and that she demanded so much of me but made little effort to understand me. I also told her that she framed the relationship in terms of what she gained from it, not what we offered each other as people. This was a very calm discussion and I had thought very carefully about what I was going to say.

She backed down for the first time in months, told me that she loved me, and listed all the reasons she did. She apologized for saying hurtful things and said she wouldn’t do that anymore. The whole conversation had been calm. She also said she would go see a new psychiatrist and see about adjusting her meds. I was hopeful. I told her that I would need some time with my friends to unwind and recharge, and she accepted that.

It is now two weeks later, and things have reverted to how they were. I went to see some friends yesterday afternoon, and she called me, asking me to leave early because she was feeling anxious. I said no, but that I would come straight home after (which was an hour later). I was quite firm but in no way defensive.

When I got home, she unloaded on me—saying that I didn’t understand her because I chose a color she didn’t like for her nails (I sent her a pic, she said no, she wanted to choose something more her style, I said, sure, no problem, looking forward to the surprise). Then she complained that the curtains were too old and gross (which, to be fair, they are at this point) and that we need to get $1000 curtains (the windows aren’t that big). I said I can’t afford that much right now, but maybe the landlord will agree to pay, and if not, we can get something cheaper. She said she can’t accept cheaper, as she doesn’t want to lower her standards.

She also told me that her sister is going on vacation in November and that she wants to go. But I can’t go in November because of my school schedule. I said it might be difficult, but I would see what I could do. Then she said that she can’t go at that time anyway, but that I need to think of something to show that I care about her.

Then she started saying bad things again—calling me a coward and telling me that I need to understand her and make my apartment more comfortable so she doesn’t have anxiety problems there.

At that point, I just said I was going to go to sleep because I didn’t want to fight or say hurtful things to each other (even though she is almost always the one with the slings). Now she is furious because I went to sleep without resolving everything (!!!). Of course, everything is not resolvable at 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday night.

Anyway, I am not sure how much longer I can do this, if it is worth it, or if things will ever get better…Can anyone offer me some advice or let me know if there is something I can do differently? As is stated in the title, she is being treated for depression (in on an SSRI and Xanax), but I am becoming quite convinced that this is BPD, as she has a history of trauma. I would love to find a way out of this, but it is just so draining...

It certainly sounds like BPD based on your description but of course she will need a formal diagnosis.

You handled yourself well here. Set boundaries, accepted her breaking up and overall stayed strong in many situations. That's what you will have to continue to do if you decide to move forward with this relationship.

Will she get better? Probably not, and it will be your choice on whether the pros out weigh the cons. If you can accept a chaotic relationship, mood swings, etc. and you are able to stay emotionally strong, then you have the potential to make this work. Just don't go into this thinking you're going to fix her or that she's going to get better on her own. The former is a definite no and the latter is extremely unlikely.

The real question to ask yourself is why stick it out? What is in it for you? Is there something internally that you need to address? It's going to be very emotionally and mentally draining. Is this really how you want to spend your life? Really consider this question before you go any further.

Thanks for the reply!

I will do some serious thinking over the next couple of weeks...

It's tough realizing the extent of this illness and knowing that the person I knew at the beginning of our relationship is someone that doesn't really exist...

I am wondering...she has already sought treatment for depression and expressed to me, a few of her closest friends, and her family (at different times) over the past few years that she has depression and needs help. I don't think she has ever heard of BPD, though. Is it possible that she might be open to learning about this and seeking treatment for it as she has acknowledged that she has problems with her emotions and is open to help...

She has talked several times to a psychiatrist, but I am quite sure that the doctor is not looking at the possibility that she is a BPD.

Should I attempt to bring it up with her? I am very, very anxious that it will horribly backfire...