BPDFamily.com

I'm currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and it is a wealth of information. Plan on doing so much more reading. The anger outbursts are so hurtful and then flips on a dime to being sorry and I love you so much. Quite the roller coaster ride

Yes indeed, you’ve summed it up nicely. My advice is not to get on the rollercoaster yourself. Even if you are subject to insults and accusations, if you JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), you are participating in the negative dynamic, and you are riding the rollercoaster.  I find that the best thing to do is be as still, boring and quiet as a gray rock. If they shout, Don’t you have anything to say / Why are you ignoring me?, my stock reply is, There’s nothing that I can say to make it better—and that’s the truth. Only when your loved one has calmed down can they possibly listen to you and process logic. You ought not to engage when they are emotionally out of control with rage or hatred.  I try to remain in the room or on the phone, but if they escalate and get too aggressive, I’ll drift out of the room or say, I’m hanging up now. If they follow me around or call me with the same negative intensity, I repeat. That’s how I give them an adult time out, so they have time and space to cool off. I try really hard only to engage when the conversation is civil, meaning not shouting or hurling insults. Typically I don’t take the insults personally; I’ve dealt with this long enough to know that the insults are a maladaptive coping mechanism and often projecting. I know myself well enough to know my character and my many flaws—I’m only human after all. Sometimes I do feel angry that they are so needy and petulant and dysfunctional, and when they take out their frustrations on me, and that’s when I’ll go for a walk or do something nice for myself, to help take my mind off it all. Or I come to this site to look for tips and strategies, and to vent a little.