BPDFamily.com

My 30 bpd daughter gets really abusive and near violent when she huffs whippets. (nitros like you get at the dentist). Usually thru texts/calls. I'm learning how to disengage and tell her I'm going to take a break from communicating and I'll check back in at a certain time. And I do check back at that time.

Now when I check back in she always has an emergency - she's broken a bone, or she got raped, or cut an artery in the hour that I took a break. But, she calls me awful names and is abusive at the same time.

So, I want support her because she says she's been hurt, but I want to maintain boundaries when she's 's being abusive at the same time. I know in my heart this is manipulation, but I feel terrible thing that I'm so sorry you got raped but I can't talk to you if you're calling me names.

The abusive language is pretty extreme. I know she's doing the whippets because she's always demanding money when she's doing them. And her personality changes radically.

I would I really appreciate anything you can recommend. I've been reading posts on this website and it so helpful. I go to therapy when I can afford it. This is my first time posting and just heartbroken and don't know what to do.

Hi there,

If your daughter claims she’s having an emergency, I think you should ask her if she wants you to dial 911 for her.  That way, you are taking her seriously, and she gets to decide what to do.  If she says she doesn’t want you to call 911, that’s her choice, and you can probably rest easy that there’s no emergency.  Maybe you say calmly, I’m sorry you got hurt, but I’m glad you think you don’t need to go to the emergency room, that’s a relief—thus validating her story and her judgment. Does that make sense?  And if after all that, she’s still using abusive language, I think you say you’re stressed and need to take a break, and you’ll call back later.

If your daughter is demanding money, maybe you consider a boundary:  whenever she demands money, you end the call. You might say, I don’t give out money over the phone, and you know what?  That’s probably true!  If anyone called you asking for money over the phone, you’d probably hang up, and you do the same if your daughter asks you too. That might be a conversation better had in person anyway. If she really wants money from you, she needs to ask in person.

Yes, thank you that is enormously helpful! It's so difficult to straddle the line between validating without getting sucked into the drama and enabling. And, I love the response on money. I can breathe a little bit better.

Hi again,

You didn't mention if you were supporting your adult daughter financially, but if you are, that's fairly typical, as many people with untreated BPD can't seem to hold a job for long--they get derailed by the dynamics with bosses and coworkers, and they often can't handle the daily stress of a job.

If your daughter is using money she gets from you to buy nonprescription drugs or otherwise support an unhealthy lifestyle, my advice to you would be to provide financial support in kind only.  For example, if she needs help with rent and groceries, I think you'd be better off if you paid the rent directly and had food delivered to her.  That way, if she wants money for drugs, she has to earn it on her own, or go without.  If she decides to hang out with the wrong crowd to have access to illicit drugs (maybe by moving in with a boyfriend or something), then that's her choice, and maybe you could save on the rent.

Just my two cents.

Hi,
I have a child that acts very similarly. No drugs involved but very disrespectful phone calls, frequent medical conditions, suicidal thinking.

I agree- it’s hard to respond to those without confirming in their mind that we don’t care. That is where I too get hung up. I really like cc ‘s advice about offering to call for help. If they say no- then maybe validate and offer confidence:I understand this feels hopeless because 1, 2 and 3   (You are tired of feeling like this, you think it won’t change and you feel that no one cares etc) and I know you are strong and smart and will get thru this.

That is what I was coached to say. Not sure I can do it, but I’m going to try. I think if we stay in the weeds, trying to fix their broken situations, there’s no hope it changes. The hard part is living with our own distress when we respond this way.

My BPD mother seemed to frequently call with a "crisis".  What made it difficult was knowing if it really was a crisis, or an emotional response (real to her) and how to respond. It became like the "boy who cried wolf".

When my father began to have health issues- there were calls "you better come quick for Dad" and fearing the worst, I'd jump in the car to get there. It was a several hour drive. However, once there, it became apparent that the best help for Dad was a medical provider and many times, he was being cared for appropriately. I also realized that my own behavior was reinforcing the "crisis" calls. If BPD mother felt overwhelmed, this got me there to help out- something I was willing to do but I also had my own family to care for and had to consider them too.

How you decide to act on this is more like this difficult story -The Bridge

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

It mostly comes down to how much can you tolerate not responding. It's very difficult, emotionally, to worry about a loved one. But also, if you respond to every "crisis" -real or not- then you are reinforcing the behavior and it also disrupts your life and plans.

What I found is that-if there's a medical crisis- such as your D saying she broke a bone, or cut an artery, there is very little you can do to be helpful. This needs medical care. As CC4 says, you can offer to call for help for her. If she refuses then you can decide OK or still call them yourself if you are worried.

I also decided, if medical care is needed, I would call the medical provider for information first, to decide if I needed to come.

Admittedly, sometimes what I thought was "cry wolf" was a real situation that I didn't respond to. But errors happen and the only way to avoid any mistakes is to come for every call and that wasn't the right thing to do either. Also, there was anger and disapproval. You may have to accept being the "bad guy" here to your loved one with BPD.

You also don't need to get into circular arguments or accept verbal abuse. I think the response "This sounds like you need medical attention. Do you want me to call 911 for you?" is a good first response.