BPDFamily.com

Hi,

As I'm opening up to others about more about my relationship and coming out of the fog. I was thinking it would be very helpful to find a video I could send to trusted friends and family helping to explain BPD and really what it's like to be married and the target (FP) of a partner w/BPD.

I try my best to explain but sometimes it really is difficult to fully explain the depth and range of problems/issues, how they act out, how I (or others) may be treated and how it really is a mental illness. 

Anyone have videos they've shared with others to help explain this. Ideally not super long.

Hopefully others have some recommendations, since I couldn't find any good ones with a search.  There was one I loved years ago but I can't find it.  Ideally though, you should be able to explain what BPD is in a few sentences- I think that's something that all of us have to figure out. 

I generally say, "BPD is a condition where someone relies heavily on emotions when they become upset, and it can send them spiraling through worst-case scenarios in their mind.  It causes them a lot of external pain and it's easy for them to see the world through a warped viewpoint that's not necessarily true, especially when it comes to relationships with those they're closest to."

At the same time though, you have to remember what you're trying to convey here.  It's not to say, "My spouse is crazy and impossible to deal with sometimes."  Because if that's how it comes across, then your spouse is going to pick up on those vibes and assume you told others the worst.  So I'd only be sharing this with people that have to know and understand.

I also understand that you want others to be able to relate to your experiences, but remember that's not a practical goal.  Survivors of serious trauma often feel like nobody can understand them and in a way, that's because others really can't unless they've walked a mile in your shoes. 

For example, think about someone that was in the World Trade Center on 9/11...I can't imagine what they experienced or how it affects them today.  That's why sites like BPD Family exist, it's one of the few places where we can find peer support and share our stories.

I wonder why you would want to share this- and how you think it might help?

Sharing with friends and family may help you feel supported, but it may not be as helpful to helping you to change. Friends and family may "take your side" but then, not point out your own behaviors that may be contributing to the dynamics. Venting to well meaning friends can help you feel supported but also keep you in the same pattern.

Or, they may not understand why you stay in this situation and tell you to leave- which is a well meaning but naive approach to these relationships. There's a reason we don't post run messages on this board- because, it's not that simple. These are complex situations and each person needs to arrive at their own choice over that.

I know from my own experience how "taking one side" is a form of Karpman triangle dynamics and risks both of them "siding" against me. In addition, sharing about BPD mother was against the "unspoken" rule to not say anything and not result in anything good. BPD mother perceived people as being on her side or not her side. My father would then be in the position to have to choose "her side" against them. Sharing with friends and family is not a guarantee of confidentiality. Your wife would see this as a betrayal.

Sharing with a counselor or Al Anon sponsor- they may not always take your side- they may turn the mirror on your behavior- because- that is the only behavior you can change. From this, real change might happen.

There was a time when my BPD mother "painted me black" to some of her family. I thought about "showing them the truth" but then it would put them in a compromised position- who to believe? PwBPD can act differently with peope outside the immediate family. Also, they may not want to know this information, they may want to stay neutral. It's also possible TMI. Some things I don't want to share.

It's also possibly triangulation- and doesn't focus on the main issue- your relationship with your wife and her behavior- and your part in it. Venting may help you feel better in the moment but it may also serve to keep you in the same situation.

IMHO, the best "friend" you could share to in your situation, in addition to your counselor,  would be an Al Anon sponsor, because, when you discuss an issue with your wife- they are going to turn the mirror on you, discuss what actions you can take to make changes in your part in this. They may not know all about BPD but they do know about alcohol use and enabling and the dynamics are the same for both.

Hi there,

If a family member opened up to me about their struggles—and many of them have done that—I doubt I’d want a video made by somebody else. I’d want to hear about my family member’s experience. I think it’s not that hard to have empathy for their pain. It’s true I have to tell myself sometimes, they need someone to listen, not necessarily provide solutions, as they sort through their feelings and try to steer their way forward.

If your loved ones know you well, I bet they already suspect that the pwBPD is a high-conflict person. They might not know the extent of it, but if you share some details I bet they won’t be that surprised.

When I opened up with some trusted friends, I was a little surprised to learn how common mental illness is. It seemed that almost everyone was struggling with mental illness in some way, with immediate or extended family or in-laws. Though the illness and severity might be different (eg addictions, suicidal ideation, dementia), I think they understand how difficult it can be to deal with. I guess it’s a relief to know you’re not alone.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde