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I've taken a big step for me. Made a consultation with an attorney to review my case... I am not certain of divorce but am taking steps to see what my situation may entail if it comes to that. I still have some hopium but am also trying to be a realist and prepare. On a good note my wife did start seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. She started on a mood stabilizer medication (Lamotrigine) so she is making some efforts and has stated she wants to cut down (but declared she will not stop) her drinking. Time will tell.

I wanted to post here as many of you have been through this already so advice from fellow partners of those with BPD is most welcomed! The title really says it all. I am seeing a lawyer for 1 hour in a week to review my case and see if she would be a fit, if it comes down to it. I have some time to prepare and pull things together so I appreciate what advice any of you have to make the most of the session. I'm not opposed to paying for another hour if needed but hoping to get a good overall feel for the outlook after our meeting.

I don't know what advice or conclusions she will be able to make but I have a few areas which I'm most concerned about:

1. Guardianship of our mentally disabled adult 21y son (currently we have joint guardianship but I would want her removed)
2. Division of assets and debts/liabilities (home w/mortgage, credit cards, line of credit, 401ks, etc)
3. Spousal Support
4. Living situation if one of us were to file
5. Anything she advises I should be doing or not doing now (assuming I did file in say 12 months) (i.e. how to properly record events or issues, etc)

For #4 I have a couple of concerns. First and foremost, I worry about our 'kids' who live at home and would be left with her if I was removed (21S mentally disabled, 19D). If we divorce in 6-12 months it means things are not improving or getting worse and based on what I've read online I'm a little scared of how bad she may get if we started down the road of divorce. Her drinking is a big concern, she uses marijuana for pain management and sleep occasionally and has benzo's prescribed she uses daily. Some nights she's only had a couple glasses of wine but still has other nights where it's 2-3 bottles. Plus her overall anger and emotional outbursts. If I'm not there I worry that the kids could not only be subjected to distortions, lies and a smear campaign against me, but they, our daughter most likely, could be the new target of her episodes.

The second concern on #4 is mostly financial. We don't have family or really friends close enough where we could stay so if one of us had to leave we would need another apartment or find a room to rent, etc. I take care of paying the bills and managing the money, she doesn't manage my income at all. I pay for about 90% of our expenses (my uBPDw just started paying a few bills on her own), I make sure everything is done around the house such as maintenance, repairs, pool upkeep, laundry, a lot of the cleaning, taking care of our disabled son's hygiene, etc. In addition I do all the grocery shopping and meal prep for the home. I could probably just barely cover our household expenses without her as long as she was paying for her vehicle and personal expenses. Her income is stable enough now where she could cover renting an apartment or room for rent. To me it makes more sense for her to leave, take care of a few new expenses for herself while I continue doing what I've always done. Plus from my perspective it would be safer and more stable for myself and the kids.

I doubt she would see it that way and has stated during dysregulation she would need to get a lawyer involved if we divorce so she would get the house. It's probably a bad idea but I also thought about the idea of simply both residing in the home until things are finalized and the house is sold. I'm in FL and both of us have the same right to remain in the home until the D is finalized and property division is finalized. Unless of course there's domestic violence, etc and a restraining order or something of that nature is in play.

So aside from talking to the attorney about our circumstances, what I have thought about so far:

• Financial info summarized on a spreadsheet (assets, liabilities, account balances, income of each of us)
  
• Working on bulleted summary of episodes from my journal noting patterns of behaviors, episodes of abuse and will have some recordings.
  

What should I focus on to begin with and what kinds of questions did you ask (or wish you had) at the beginning? I have read Bill Eddy's Splitting so I'm taking some notes from there.   

I would come up with a brief summary of your wife's behavior and explain you're concerned because of the kids' situation - mainly your disabled son - specifically how she'll manage his care given her substance abuse. 

Then note that you have extensively detailed her problematic behavior, and maybe show her the journal briefly, so that she understands the magnitude of the situation and how serious you are about it. 

I would ask her what her plan would be for how to address this in divorce; ideally she details a plan specific to your needs, not just "here's how divorce generally goes in FL."

Things to be wary of:
- if she tries to persuade you to file now, that could be a concern
- if she seems uninterested or like she's not really listening to you, that's another.

I would also ask her whether she's handled cases similar to yours.  Don't just take "yes" for an answer here... a lot of attorneys will say whatever they think you want to hear just to get your case.  Ask for specifics, and try to get a sense for whether she's telling the truth and has the experience you're looking for. 

If you have any doubts or concerns you don't feel she's listened to, talk to more attorneys, and see if you can get referrals.

Although I was already in the middle of my divorce case, I got frustrated with my lawyer (who had been recommended by my first lawyer who said I needed someone in my own county) and asked him to recommend other experienced lawyers.  He named two.  I considered them but decided to stick with my lawyer since I could afford him.

My point is that when you interview attorneys you can ask for names of other attorneys that could handle your case.  Good attorneys are aware that not every person walking in the door will become a client, that you may find a better fit elsewhere.  As an example, our cases are often difficult and require more than filing forms and holding hands.  Does the lawyer have trial experience, if that becomes necessary?  Is the lawyer proactive yet not overly aggressive?  Does the lawyer have potential strategies for your situation?  Since our cases often take one to two years, are you comfortable dealing with the lawyer for that long?

@OP,

There are a few things you can do to help yourself in this process...

1) do your own research
- find your state guidelines for alimony and child support. child support may be less relevant in your situation due to the ages of your kids. find out if there are specific guidelines pertaining to guardianship in your state. alimony is typically calculated based the length of the marriage, the relative incomes of the parties, and the earning potential of the parties post-D. a google search for your state and alimony calculator should yield sources - often from your state and/or local attys. run a few scenarios. no need to pay an atty $$$ to do this for you.

2) don't use the interview as a therapy session
it's easy to fall into the trap of explaining the nature of the conflict and the emotional/behavioral underpinings to the atty "to help them understand" - but this generally isn't a good use of time. attys have heard it all before, and they make $$$ listening to it again, waiting for clients to come around to the real agenda: the legal issues. these are alimony (see #1), division of marital assets, and parenting time/custody when minor children or guardianship are involved.

3) plan to interview multiple attys
it's great that you already frame this activity as an interview - that's the way to go. potential clients that request an initial consultation may be charged, but those who ask to interview are more likely to get the first :30 or :60 minutes at no cost.  some questions to ask:
- do you have experience with high conflict cases (most attys will say yes, because family law deals with conflict); push deeper - "do you have experience in which one of the parties is unreasonable?  how do you manage a case like this?" - then listen carefully to the response. don't hesitate to ask "can you give me another example?" rinse and repeat until you find an atty who provides a substantive response

4) hire an atty who is prepared to litigate
"have you litigated in this county?  what can you tell me about how judges proceed in cases like mine?" - make sure you hire an atty with demonstrated experience going the distance. most cases settle, but high conflict cases with one or more unreasonable people can end up in front of a judge.. make sure your atty is prepared to go the distance:  you want a litigator, not a negotiator - because it's often unproductive, or at least very difficult, to negotiate when a disordered personality is in the mix

Hope this is helpful

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Taking it all in and putting together my notes and summaries for my meeting later this week.

Lol, thought I would write a brief follow up. I did meet with the lawyer. It went very well for what I was looking for. She definitely was not an expert on personality disorders. But she spent a lot of time walking me through the legality of different aspects of a potential split. I found it very personally helpful. If nothing else, it gave me a lot of relief that her claims of things like she is going to take me for XX amount of spousal support and other threats is all a bunch of baloney. In our state (Florida) everything is split down the middle, including assets and debts. Alimony or spousal support is only worded on an as needed basis, and there are maximums here. FaceTime those amounts it would be nominal or at least very manageable. She also makes all sorts of threats about me having to leave the house if we file for divorce. In Florida, we do not have to. Unless of course there’s a situation of domestic violence. I’m still regularly recording things and situations as they evolve, just in case she ever decides to put a false accusation against me.

We still continue to go through it. But the conversation with the lawyer has given me much more confidence and kind of self-esteem in a way. I feel much more confident continuing to enforce and increase my boundaries.