BPDFamily.com

We are in the UK. Our son has married someone with serious behaviour problems and currently lives in Switzerland. She is very controlling, having access to his phone and e-mails so we can't communicate with him directly. She does not allow him to see his friends any more. She is intensely emotional, exhibits extreme jealousy, always needs to be the centre of attention, has regular meltdowns when she can be very cruel and vindictive. She denies having a problem but lies compulsively to cover up her behaviour and blame others. She told us in the past that when she was young her father was violently abusive but now denies that there is anything wrong and insists that her family is perfect. She is obsessed with money and the cost of everything. She uses her son (our grandson) as leverage against us, and has given us a list of demands we must agree to before we can ever visit them. Demand # 1 is that we never discuss her mental health. # 2 is that we must keep a tally of everything we spend on both of our sons and daughters-in-law and grandchildren so that we can prove we have spent equally on each and equalise any discrepancies.  # 3 we must ask about her family but not talk about the other daughter-in-law's family in front of her. # 4 if we do visit them we must agree to leave their home at regular intervals so she does not get too stressed. As she has not had a proper mental health diagnosis we don't know what the condition is, but from what we have read it could be Borderline Personality Disorder, malignant narcissism, Histrionic Personality Disorder or complex PTSD. I would very much appreciate any advice from anyone with experience of these issues. Is the label important? How can we persuade her to get help, when our son is unable or unwilling to do so? Thank you.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I understand how heartbreaking it must be.  I've had similar experiences with my BPD daughter and BPD ex-wife.

First thing- labels absolutely don't matter at all.  They're helpful for treatment purposes, but other than that they're probably more harmful than anything.  Nobody wants to be labeled and when you suggest that she might have something wrong with her, she hears, "They think I'm a raving lunatic that needs to be institutionalized."

How would you react if someone made you feel that way?

So here's what happens.  She's mentally unstable at times and feels that you're judging her unfairly.  That brings all sorts of stress....which isn't good for someone with mental illness.  So she obsesses over it and dreads contact because you're going to judge her and put her down.  It makes her feel worthless and because of her mental illness, she's going to push back with her husband to cut you out of his life, because you're hurting her and he should choose his wife over you.

So now she's miserable, your son is dreading being in the middle, and everyone is completely stressed out even thinking about a holiday gathering.

You mentioned that she made four rules.  Okay, they don't sound like the end of the world, and honestly they're somewhat fair coming from someone with mental illness. 

For her family stuff, yeah, maybe her dad was violently abusive at one time.  My daughter said that about me, and in a disordered mental health way it was absolutely true.  When she was off the rails, I'd scream at her to stop because it was the only way I could get her to pause and listen.  To her, it was mental abuse...which you may or may not agree with. 

But here's the thing, it hurt her deeply and whether it was true or not, it mentally scarred her.  So the pain and trauma was absolutely real in her life regardless.  On the flip side though, she still loved me and craved a healthy relationship.  Again, this is mental illness we're talking about...it's not logical or easy to understand, because you're not mentally ill.  She is though and that deserves compassion.

Your other question- how do you persuade her (or your son) to get her help?

The simple answer is that you don't.  By even posing that question, you're telling your son that his wife is deeply flawed (which he already realizes) and you're asking him to choose you over her.  In response, she's making his life an absolute hell because she doesn't understand why you're trying to ruin her marriage, destroy her life.

And hear me here...I'm not saying that you're doing that intentionally.  But that's how she feels and because she's mentally ill, her feelings bring real pain and trauma.  For her its actual torture and your son is taking the fallout from that when you're not around.

She will get help once she realizes in her own time that she needs help.  Nobody can tell her any different, and even if one of you had her institutionalized, it wouldn't "help her" until she was actually ready to change.  Even the best psychiatrist in the world couldn't convince her; she has to see it on her own and actually want to get better.

So where does that leave you?  It's a tough position for sure, but this is either going to escalate to the point where you're cut out of her family's life, or you can accept her (flaws and all) to repair the relationship.  By showing her love and compassion, that de-escalates her mental illness and allows her to calm down. 

When she's disordered, everything is pure emotion and there's no telling what nonsense or hurtful things she might say.  And if you choose to argue with her in that state, things are only going to get worse because she can't understand why you can't understand her.  She doesn't even realize that her words are all over the place.  So you focus on her emotion only, ignore the majority of the words, and just show compassion to help calm her down.

Once she relaxes and is level-headed again, then you can have a logical conversation. 

If you have an upcoming get-together, then her mind is already recalling past events and how badly it hurt her.  And remember, she's mentally ill so a lot of the past might be remembered out of context...which hurts her just the same.  She is DREADING it beyond words because you think she's crazy and have no respect for her.  Again, we're talking about feelings here...not facts.  It's how she feels, and when she gets too emotional the feelings take over and reap havoc.

So make a change this year- agree to all her rules, and be supportive however you can.  If she's ugly, then step away for a bit, knowing that things are ultra-stressful for her because she's facing her worst fears by having you there (with a potential to judge her and hurt her).  You can turn all of that around though by learning to be her ally instead of her enemy.

I hope that helps!  I know it's a lot and it's super hard...I just tried to say what she can't because she's mentally ill.

From my own experience with a mother with BPD, I would not say anything to your son about her or to anyone else you think will report it to her. Read about the Karpman triangle. If she decides you are in some way a threat to her- your son will be put in the position to align with her and chose her.

You are "playing the long game" here. One can't know the outcome but if you want contact with your grandchild- IMHO, it's the best chance I know of.

So for her "rules". This comes down to boundaries- If she had a rule that you could not go along with, then you can't compromise yourself- but by not going along with them, there's the risk of losing contact altogether. So looking at them:

#1- I think it's possible to not discuss her mental heath- so don't.

#2- You know this one isn't rational. You can give anything you want to any of your children and it's not her business. For both #1 and #2- as Pook said- this is a person who feels threatened, not valued, and possibly envious of the other family. She wants to know she's valued and feels equal. So, spend equally on gifts at holidays, birthdays, show her that,  but what you do privately with your money is your own business. In general, I try to be equal with spending and gifts with children anyway to avoid hurt feelings.

#3 Don't discuss the other family- that is doable.

#4 I actually think this is a good idea, and a reasonable request. My BPD mother needed a lot of control and having someone in her house was a change in environment and routine for her. This has nothing to do with how she feels about us. Having people in her house was a stressor- for her and for us- so going out for coffee, doing an errand, that gave her space and us too.

These are doable since you live at a distance and it's only with visits. Yes, she may need mental health but whether or not she gets it, or it works, is not up to you and saying anything will do more harm than good.