BPDFamily.com

I need suggestions

I have had some major problems with my husband lately that I don't believe are fixable. To give a small background, he has always been heavy on the accusations, he recently recorded me secretly and beleives he found proof of me cheating. I volunteered to take a lie detector test because I truly thought it would stop some of this, my life was in danger so I did it for that reason too. At least I have some sort of proof I didn't cheat. The results were predictable as I didn't cheat and he believed it for about a day, but the intensity went down to a tolerable amount.  He's getting more crazy and I have become so isolated from everything that I am not sure how to go about even trying to leave. I truly fear for my life.

We bought a house together and I actually work from home now, this is a new thing, so I don't even have the ability to leave for short periods of time. I truly believe the only way I am going to be able to get out of this relationship is if I plan it so that I leave and not come back. I feel like I have to choose what is important and leave everything else if I am going to have any chance at another life. What really bothers me is that I have 5 dogs. I don't want to leave them all but how is someone on the run from an abusive husband suppose to have a couple dogs tagging along.

To be clear, his favorite thing to say to me is if I have cheated on him he is going to kill me, he goes on to say he will kill my mother and anyone I am with too. He tells me he will kill me if I leave because if I leave that means I am cheating on him. It has been like this since he planted the recording device.

I don't know what to do, my husband is disabled, I won't call the cops on him, I have good reasons I won't discuss here. If I leave and never come back the house will go into foreclosure because I won't be able to afford it. There is no way he would leave and allow me to stay unless I had him arrested or something but then I would be in fear of him getting out and coming after me so he really can't know where I move to.

I do have a plan for that, I work for a company that I can move to a branch in another state. My plan in my head is to move several states away where he won't be able to find me. I can't call a lawyer and ask legal questions so if anyone has any input on what I should do. How I should plan a get away. anything that you think that would help.

I had a really bad night last night, for some reason nights are worse, he's ok during the day most of the time. But at night it's like he knows that I need sleep and preventing me from sleep is a good way to get back at me for what he thinks I did. It makes it very hard for me to keep my cool which only makes things worse for me if I can't.

I am desperate for this nightmare to end.

Goodness, that's terrible.  Much of the advice isn't pushy around here, but, in your case, I will kindly push you contact a local DV shelter.  It sounds very serious, and the local shelter should have staff that know what you can do in the immediate and near future.  Please be safe and take care of yourself!

Cloudy Days,

I'm sorry things have gotten to this point. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I am glad that you are thinking this through before taking action. It's important to do that. I can imagine how hard it is to stay put and to think rationally, but the planning will help you tremendously if emotions escalate.

I encourage you to make a Safety Plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf). Hopefully, you will never need it, but it will give you peace of mind to know what you will do in the event things go sideways. I also agree with  C<||| Samwize that calling a local DV center is a good idea. You can do it anonymously and obtain information and resources that you may not have been aware existed. You don't have to wait until a crisis is happening.

Here is more info. that may be helpful in your situation, if you haven't already seen it:

Domestic Violence (women) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0)

Have you let close friends and family know what is going on?

heartandwhole

I and many others here also experienced your suffering.  Many a night I was kept up for hours when my then-spouse proclaimed "We're going to stay up and fix this tonight!" Of course nothing ever got fixed.  She also accused me of having an affair, demanded for me to admit it.  Of course there was no one else.  (However, could this be him Blame Shifting or projecting his contemplations or actions onto you?  How confident are you that he's not being unfaithful, even if only in emotional affairs?)  I almost admitted an affair just to make it stop but fortunately I realized that I couldn't lie convincingly while making up names, places and descriptions.  Yuck, so sick!

Your description of his continuing suspicions reminds me of my ex too.  She would demand apologies, demand them restate over and over to meet her phrasings.  Then before long she's be rehashing them again and again.  She ever admitted or apologized, but I had to repeatedly admit and apologize.  She viewed my explanations on why I decided whatever actions I made as excuses.  I just couldn't win, not by her House Rules.  Until I finally set a firm boundary and said, "No, I will not apologize unless I feel it merits apology."  That didn't fix things, the chaos and dysfunction continued, the marriage still imploded, but I had finally realized appeasement and compliance weren't healthy options and just enabled her more.

In that final year I learned that I had to be very careful with my words, I never risked ranting and raging like she did.  Oh, and I was the one with the voice recorder, I wanted to be sure I could prove I wasn't the aggressive one.  Eventually I called 911 and she was arrested for Threat of DV (documented on recording or else I as a male gender person would easily have been presumed to be the problem person, before I could download the recording the police even asked me to "step away" but our preschooler was so desperately clutching me - what son won't go to his mother? - that they gave up on that idea).  Guess what, I ended up with temporary possession of the house for several months and even when the TPO was dismissed she never returned.

I agree, the house cannot be left for him to reside in, well unless he buys you out and refinances so you're off the mortgage.  Don't gift him a Quit Claim deed, your best leverage of all, unless and until he actually refinances.  Don't ever accept promises to follow through later, you know it won't happen.  The best way is to just sell the house.  Easier said than done.  But you know that inaction will just let things get worse.

Sounds like things would go so much better if he were out of the house.  Ponder your options, determine how that might be possible.  As the others emphasized, contact your local DV resources, they may get things done that a lawyer by himself may have a struggle to accomplish.  Seek out relatively inexpensive legal consultations with proactive experienced local attorneys.  Not the form filing and hand holding sort who expect settlements will be all that is needed.  You need to select one with solid strategies and who is not afraid of going to court to get the job done.

Cloudy Days,

I went back to see a little of your background as the above is a quote from your very first post.  If this is the same person from your first post 5 years ago, I am truly sorry what you have been through.  If it was like me, my very first post 6 years ago could have been the same post I did in 2016.  It looks like he has escalated to the point of threatening death.  As we know that is how DV goes... .it gets worse and worse. 

I would encourage you to seek the help of a DV shelter.  There are funds available for mothers with children.  Worse case, dont sweat the foreclosure, I am in the finance industry and know that someone can get an FHA loan just 3 years out of a foreclosure. 

What is stopping you from calling a lawyer?

Is it that you work at home and he is at home on disability, and you cannot talk without him listening?

If so, that would make it hard for you to talk to a domestic violence shelter as well.

You have a right to confidential legal consultations.  You are welcome to first inquire whether the lawyer has ever done any consulting or work for your spouse.  If so, then you stop and find others.  Attorneys are professionally obligated to hold your information confidential otherwise they would risk complaints to the Bar.

You don't have to pay a retainer when interviewing lawyers.  Often an initial consultation is free or inexpensive such as pro-rated to the hourly rate.  And be sure any address information includes a huge alter saying not to mail to the address.  Or use the address and phone of a trusted friend or family member.  And keep all your paperwork including receipts and notes in a place your spouse has absolutely no physical or electronic access to.  A tire iron or copied key can get into a locked trunk or briefcase.

If he is even the least bit educated about computers or phones then be sure you don't use the home computer or one he has access to.  Go visit your trusted friend/relative or go to the local library.  Computers and phones can have "key loggers" secretly installed that copy your typing.

Whatever your mountainous obstacles, there are ways around them.  Your local DV resources and remote peer support such as here will help you reduce those mountains to molehills. |iiii