BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I feel like my people-pleasing ways (working on) make it hard for me to 1) hold limits and 2) know what's healthy and what's not. I question every response.

The latest - my child has me painted all black and has for months. Speaks to my H respectfully and daily, but does not want a relationship with me (yet does).
If I call, the child tells me to stop. If I don't call, the child tells me I am hateful because I ignore child and don't care. It feels like a power trip - the child expects me to beg to salvage the relationship, (I have asked to work on it and reconciliation)  but then enjoys rejecting me and speaking horribly.

Admittedly, I haven't stopped doing much reaching out. I often answer when called. And have sent texts. I've been told to lose the child's number. to stop contacting her, etc. But when I do, I'm ignoring the child. I can't JADE, but boy, do I want to because it's crazy-making!

I did send a gift for the holiday and texted. The child called to ask for the return label yesterday, saying - I don't want anything from you. I just said - that's fine. Then toss it or donate it. Didn't get upset or emotional.

Then, immediately child asks me for a favor -  to pick up an item and leave it for them, so they can get it and not see me. 

I was honest and calm and said - This just feels bad. You say you hate me, but now you want me to run around and do a favor for you? Why would anyone want to do that?  I was proud of myself. I'm scared of this kid's reactions.

Now child is furious. Ended with being told to FU. Calling and calling again. I'm not picking up.

Validation isn't working. Apologies for genuine things don't. Honestly, nothing does. It always circles back to berating - every single call.

I question myself. I called my H and told him, and he thinks it's nuts that I even entertain doubt or doing this favor for the child. He loses respect for me honestly, saying I'm training child how to treat me. He just never puts up with a breath of disrespect from the child and they treat him well.

My therapist said this week, your job is to come healthy to the relationship because that's what I can control, but even if I do, that does not mean the other person will. Ugh.

I'm not sure what I'm asking - maybe just venting. Being the villain 100% of the time just makes me want to avoid the child, and I'm tired.

What your therapist was saying here was that by focusing on your own emotional needs, it will change your relationship with your kid.

Does it mean she'll suddenly be nice?  Nope, not at all.  That's outside of your control.  But it does mean that you'll be able to choose to accept, reject, or deny any of her words or actions.

Accepting is listening and showing empathy, responding with love.

Rejecting is also listening without choosing to respond or discuss

Denying is saying, nope, we're not doing this...I'll talk to you later.

If my BPD kid calls and I can tell she's unstable, then I'm going to make one of those three choices.  My intention is always acceptance and to build her up, help her fight through whatever is bothering her. 

When conversation becomes unhinged, I'll listen patiently as long as I possibly can, hoping the moment passes and we can get back on track.  However, I don't engage in any way because I've already accepted that this is disordered thinking and the only productive goal is to move past it.

If things get too heated though, or the ire turns toward me, then I make a conscious decision to disengage.  Sorry, I can't talk right now...let's calm down and get in touch later.  And I understand what you're saying, the calls continue and the texts pour in...but so what?  Turn your phone off and go about your day.

If your kid wants to scream and rant, teach her that you're not going to do that anymore.  How?  Just stop doing it completely...don't argue, don't take blame, don't make this personal.  She's mentally ill and responding badly, which means that you must respond how anyone else would in that situation when you're trying to teach a kid to grow up.  You disengage and stick to your boundaries.

I know this feels really complicated, and with your kid's emotions it certainly is.  But at any time, you can choose to stop dealing with it completely by saying, "Nope, not today.  I'm not listening to that."

You said the relationship is great with dad.  That's perfect!  Every time she comes unhinged, hand your husband the phone or tell your kid to call him.  It really is that easy, all you have to do is stop standing in her line of fire. 

Go no contact if you have to and block her on everything.  She'll scream and rant to dad, which is perfectly fine.  He doesn't put up with her drama and can cut her off immediately when she goes there.  That's because their relationship is different, he's not walking on eggshells and she respects him for it.  You have to do exactly the same thing, regardless of what others say or feel.

Why?  Because at the end of the day, this is about you and you alone.  That's the only thing you can control.  You must reject or deny all that other outside noise though, and stop allowing it to control you.  That's how all of this changes.

The flip flopping- back and forth- I don't want anything from you - will you please do me a favor?

There's a book "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" - sounds like this.

BPD affects the closest relationships the most. In general, all kids will act out more around their mother as it's often the closest attachment, and being female, she may project her undesirable feelings and self image on to you rather than your H.

Since she seems to have a good relationship with your H- that's a positive. It's an open door. It's not easy on you to be the target, but if he's the "good guy" and it keeps the connection- you two are a team.

In Karpman triangle dynamics- he seems to be "siding" with her. That feels hurtful to you but keep the long range goal in mind. If you and your H "sided" - that door may close. Let him be the "good guy".

That said, what your T says is true- you need to also take care of your feelings and not enable her to treat you poorly. I think you did well by not being emotional over the gift and not agreeing to run the errand as you'd have felt resentment if you did.

If I were to "tweak" your reply when asked to run the errand, I think I'd say less. Say "No, I can't do that" or something short- and don't get into a discussion over it. When you began to explain your feelings- yes, you were feeling hurt- but your D is in "victim" perspective.  As much as you wish for her to see how her behavior is affecting you, in victim perspective, it may just agitate her. It's not that you can't speak your mind- you can- but it's about what is effective or not.

Keep working with your T as your support. While it doesn't feel supportive to vent to your H, remember, if it feels as if your D paints you "black" and him "white" it's still a connection with her. You two are both her parents. Your H may not be able to perceive this from your perspective as he's not in the same position.

You still  need to "teach her how to treat you" but I think behind her pushing you away, and then asking you to do something for her- she's actually scared and you are too. Taking care of yourself, your own feelings, and being less emotionally reactive to her are helpful and it seems you are working on that.

Well it seems to me that your daughter really needs you right now, because she’s calling and texting all the time. It sounds like her statements about not wanting a relationship with you and not wanting to talk with you are actually the opposite of how she really feels, because if what she said were true, she wouldn’t bother contacting you at all!  She clearly doesn’t mean anything she says, as she’s an emotional mess because of BPD. In fact what I hear is (I) neediness and (II) general fear. It sound to me like she can’t cope very well with life and stress, and she needs you to make her feel better, but it’s all coming out the wrong way. Maybe she doesn’t want to admit that to herself or to you; it’s easier to blame you. YOU are making her miserable, and you don’t do anything to fix it, and so everything you say or do is just wrong. YOU are at fault in her mind. Do you see how that distorted thinking taints every interaction?  If you understand the distorted thinking, maybe her words won’t bother you so much. Just take her outbursts as a sign that she’s having a bad day. If you can’t help but absorb her negativity, then go ahead and keep your distance.  Just my two cents.

Thank you all. The single topic child calls me about is me and my terrible parenting.not work or friends or apartment or life so I don’t have opportunities to support child through normal things right now.

 I really like the three options of accepting, rejecting, denying. Thank you. If conversations get more normal, that’s a good tactic. For now, maybe rejecting and certainly denying- not today- would be my options.

 I also like the advice to keep responses shorter. That’s hard!!! . I suppose I did try to explain, (I know!!)  hoping something would click. Such a default..

Cc- you are absolutely right. She is fearful and was closest emotionally with me. So I get the wrath but it’s 100% of the time. Being painted black in every phone call and text - even though disordered -  takes its toll.

I hope I can get to the place with therapy where I can be more matter of fact and go about my day. Not there right now but working on it. It’s a weird parenting spot for us to be in.

Absolutely, none of this is easy and it doesn't make "logical" sense.  When you fight emotions with logic though, it's like mixing oil and water...they just don't go together.

So either you need to lean more on your emotional side to understand where her outbursts are coming from, or she needs to be more logical...which is impossible when she's disordered and into her feelings. 

The goal is to simply guide her through the emotional outbursts to a calmer, more logical place of thinking...or to take a step back and wait for her to calm down on her own.  Both are the exact same goal though in that you're not going to stand in the middle of the tornado and hope that words will fix things.  They just won't until you reach a place where you don't take any of this personally...and that's so so hard to do.

My thoughts are with you and I'm so sorry you're stuck within the chaos right now.  It will get better in time though if you choose to make things better.