BPDFamily.com

 :help: getting over the trauma

I had a girlfriend with BPD... I actually spent a fair bit of time lurking on this site - so thank you to everyone here for helping me through it. I finally was able to get myself out of the relationship several years ago. The issue is that I still think about it a lot even though I try not too. I probably think on it more than 30 minutes each day. My feelings are pretty dark and hateful (there is no desire for reconciliation only hate). Part of the issue is that I still have to see this person regularly because we share a whole lot of friends...

I've had more trouble than average getting over all my very long term relationships, so its not totally crazy, but this one has been much harder. Part of the issue is that the relationship was a bit abusive by the end, and part of the reason is that she spent about 2 years harassing me after the breakup. She even tried to get me arrested almost 18 months after I completely stopped talking to her.

I've tried therapy... I'm trying a different form of therapy now (EMDR), but it hasn't really helped yet at least. Does anyone have any suggestions for new things to try? Its not ruining my life or anything, but its a significant headwind.

Hello and welcome to the family- I'm glad you finally decided to post and share your experiences.  And I'm sorry it's been so tough letting go.

I think so many here come with the same story, we stay in abusive relationships longer than we should because we loved our spouse, or ex, whatever.  And even when it falls apart, there's a part of our brain that tries to hard to make sense of it all; why did everything go sideways?  Who's fault was it and what if I did something differently?

But here's the thing, the past is dead.  We can't go back and we can't change any of it.  All we can do is live life different today so we'll have a better tomorrow.

Moving on from these relationships brings stages of grief.  For the first few months, I tried so hard to figure out how I could fix it...like something I could do would fix my ex's mental health.  Then I began to get angry- how could she do that to me?  And all the memories came rushing back in a different light as I realized there was abuse there. 

But after a long time, the truth finally sunk in- my ex was mentally ill and spiraling in her own mind.  She didn't do any of that to hurt me, she did it for self-preservation as her own thoughts lied to her.  That's when I started to find compassion and actually allow myself to let it all go.

I am remarried now and three years out from the break-up, but I still catch myself thinking about my ex at times.  Like you, I want nothing to do with her, but occasional lingering thoughts remain and I know it's not healthy.  But here's the thing; I went through trauma and it's completely normal to ruminate traumatic situations.  It's ultimately a part of healing.

Eventually, your mind will catch up to your emotions and realize that your ex did everything she did because she was sick, she was broken inside and her own worst enemy.  You couldn't fix it or stop it, and her mental illness ultimately had nothing to do with you.  Your life was just caught in her shadow, her never-ending cycles of destruction.

For me, the last phase of rumination was how I could have loved my ex for so long, how could I not see back then what I see now?  But that's actually the easiest part, I loved her and placed that love above her more annoying habits.  That doesn't make me a sucker or a dummy, it just means that our relationship was real and I did what I could.

I hope that helps!