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After months  and years of doing marriage counseling, telling her I no longer loved her romantically anymore and that we should get a separation, my wife has agreed to get a divorce. This came 5 days after my daughter and I went out of town for a family members Bday party, while she stayed behind to continue working on her graduate degree and catch up on some work. She decided during that time to go to the gym for 3 hours (which is perfectly fine, but also odd for someone who constantly complains about needing sleep and is exhausted from studying long hours working on her masters) work for a few hours, then drove 30 minutes away to meet up with a friend, of which whenever they get together, they always get smashed and end up driving back drunk. This night was no different...except when she drive home after having 3 Margs, she fell asleep at the wheel on the highway and smashed the side of the car on the Jersey Wall while going god knows how fast at the time. Thankfully she walked away and no one else was hurt. Cops came, gave her a field sobriety test and was arrested. I got the phone call the next morning at 7am and was very surprised to hear what had happened. While I was glad she didn't get hurt, she immediatly blamed the incident on the lack of sleep (told the neighbors who helped her get into our house she only had one glass of wine...which of course was not true, 3 Margs according to her friend she was with) and said there was damage to the car and that "We" were going to have to have that fixed as well as hire a lawyer. I do currently make more money than my wife given how i own a small business. After posting her bail and her getting back to the house, I told her when we got home, that we needed to discuss this, as I was of course glad she wasn't hurt and I didn't have to tell our daughter that her mom died in a car crash because she made a bad judgment call that night. This could affect her job (she's a teacher) she could loose her drivers license, and this is now the 3rd car I have gotten for her during our marriage that she has crashed/totaled as a result of bad judgement (first time from drinking though). I had a DUI about 20 years ago, so I am trying to be emphatic to the situation, but life for me was very different back then and I made sure to better my ways since then by drinking responsibly. I told her I was going to stay in the basement until I figured out what I wanted to say. A few days go by (and during this time she is amping up the Stepford wife act..which if you read my previous posts, my UD Wife with BPD, and how she has been acting since I wanted to call it quits almost 2 years ago.) she asks me to call my lawyer friends to get recommendations for her. I tell her she is an adult and can handle her own messes from now on. She says ok. Then she asks me some questions to ask the attorney, and how I wanted us to pay for this. I told her she still has her 401k in tact and she can take it out of that. I had liquidated all of mine the past few years dealing with "legal stuff" from a former life, of which is finally resolved and getting my money back. I told her this was her mess and that the money I was saving up to pay back my parents as well as pay off the credit card debt, was not going to be side tracked because of her "mess" ups. She said, well Maybe you are right from what you said a few years ago and that we should get divorced. We haven't been a couple in a long time anyways, I think it's starting to affect our daughter and marriage counseling made things worse. Again go back and read the previous posts where I get into all that mess. This was all said about 30 seconds before I was going to bring up divorce again and that this wasn't ever going to be repaired. We both agree that we will split custody of our daughter and that we will coparent together with her, just that she lives in two different houses now. I am currently drawing up the agreement terms for our lawyer to sign off on and then it should be simple, assuming she agrees to how assets are broken out and how that will all get handled. If she thinks she's going to take anything but a chunk of equity out of the house (which I am fine with), as well as her personal belongings and things she's bought over the years, she is not going to like my response. Any advice on how best to handle this?...

Also keep in mind, I had just found out the night before her DUI from my mother and sister that months before she had called them individually to tell them she was tracking my  "solo private time" via the router in our house whenever she was out of town, as well as "counting tissues" (which were actually for my sinus, but whatever) in the trash can in my office at home, telling them she thought I was gay because I hung out with my friend on Friday nights in the basement drinking and watching action movies and such, told them she thought I was anorexic because I lost a bunch of weight over the past 2 years to help with the PTSD symptoms, and by dieting and excreting regularly, and that I looked disgusting...meanwhile she has about 65 lbs above me right now and and has since lost 30lbs since I started buying crap snacks in the house and no late night munchies or unhealthy meals. She does not know that I know this yet. I was also told she had been calling up other friends of mine, and her family to tell them the same thing, ON TOP of telling them that I told our therapist that she tried to rape me (which she did, hence the sexual trauma portion of my PTSD) and that my therapist was putting bad ideas in my head and was manipulating me.

So...thoughts?

My first thought was that she looks bad now with the DUI.  She has already been posing as a victim, that you were behaving worse than her, I suspect that soon she will amp up that strategy.

Maybe a divorce will happen but all too soon she'll try to put it off.  Maybe the divorce will be civil, but not likely.

However, you're in a stronger position now as regards custody and parenting.  Don't let that go, resist inclinations to "be fair", your children deserve to have as much time with you as possible.

To repeat, your stbEx will both demand and beg that she be in charge of custody and parenting.  Be firm in not caving to claims that you ought to be fair to her.  Yes, parenting time will be split between you and her.  But you know you are a responsible parent, the more overall responsible parent, especially in regards to driving with a child.

I will be in the minority here when I say this, but I ultimately told my wife to take whatever she wanted.  Why?  Because like you, I started doing the math and wanted to make sure I got what was fair.  I had paid for this and that, she fell through on her promises for other things.  And that sort of consumed me for a time, making sure I came out "even" or even on top.

That doesn't happen in divorce though since everyone loses.  Does it really matter who gets the living room set or the 3rd vehicle?

My ex was also gearing up for a fight saying things like, "You just bought that mattress for $2k.  So that's 2k you're getting that I'm not getting."  And I was thinking, I bought the mattress when she came home for a night and complained about our old mattress.  I paid for that myself...now it's community property?  It's so easy to go sideways in that thinking. 

So I caught my breath and told her to take the bed, and anything else she wanted.  The only thing that was off limits was a few of my mom's personal items (very old plates, cheap art work, etc).

And with that, my wife didn't know what to do.  I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't beg.  I just wanted a divorce and I wanted it to be over.  She ended up barely taking anything and we divorced without lawyers involved.

Again, most will disagree with me...and you should listen to them.  My experience is not typical here, but I did want you to see that it's a possibility if you work with your wife and don't get too focused on "stuff".  Because the stuff just doesn't matter as much as we pretend it does.

More or less, each state has it laws and policies.  Some are community property states, others aren't.

While you are concerned with an equitable division of property, I will mention the single most important item that ought to be your top concern.  (But don't share this with your stbEx or she will then know to sabotage that!)

I'm pointing out that while you may walk out without a wife, you will always be a father.  Your daughter needs you.  She may not even be in school yet, but you need to be in her life through elementary school, middle school, high school and for uncounted years into the future.

How does your state apportion custody and parenting?  Equal time?  Alternate weekends with dad?  You can't just assume it will go smoothly.  Almost surely your DUI stbEx will insist that as entitled mother she should make all the decisions (custody) and most of the parenting (parenting schedule).

Financial issues fade in priority as compared to your daughter becoming your focus.  You're the responsible parent.  You haven't wrecked multiple cars or gotten a DUI.  (For all you know she may end up having to get a breathalyzer test before driving with her child for the next year or two.  Ask your lawyer about that.)

Courts and social services are concerned most about children's safety... that they as minors aren't endangered or neglected.  Court won't care much about you or your wife since you're both adults.