BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I was wondering is it sometimes ok to push back a bit  ( not a lot) when you kinda disagree with something someone with bpd says. I know you should usually not. But is it ok sometimes, is it helpfull sometimes?

With push back I mean challenge their assumptions, is it ok to sometimes carefully try to see things from another perspective.

That depends. If it is to try to change the other person- one reason to avoid this is because it's not likely to work.

The advice to not push back isn't about sparing their feelings or walking on eggshells. It's to avoid increasing the drama as that doesn't help.

To have our own personal boundaries- yes that we can and should do.

So, let's say the pwBPD makes a false statement or assumption about you. Do you defend yourself and say something to the contrary? Imagine this. Your sister says you are a pink elephant. Possibly she believes it in the moment. Do you get into a discussion with her about why you aren't one-to try to convince her of that?

Or do you hold on to your truth- that you aren't an elephant and even if she thinks or says you are one, that doesn't make it true. If it's not true, then there's no reason to defend that. You can change the subject, or leave the conversation and spare yourself the drama. That's a different way of not accepting her point of view, without pushing back.

That's a great way of explaining it NotWendy. The bottom line is that the BPD brain is wired differently. They live 'on the border' of reality and the brain spins when challenged on something that is a very fixed idea.

Then the emotional response erupts and there is no way reason or login can get a foot in the door.

There are many ways not to agree and I think working on grounding the BPD person in other ways can be helpful.

Hi
I have found these posts really helpful I know that when my daughter attacks my husband and I about her terrible childhood, it is so natural to want to correct her.Of course we could have done better but it is so upsetting  to hear her very distorted version of her upbringing. 
I can see it is better to ignore these outbursts. I recently provided my daughter with a letter that set out what we had done to try to help her throughout her life She is now in her early 40’s divorced and with 2 young children This letter did acknowledge we respected her views but wanted to set down our views too. This did not work it just prompted anger and further blame for all the problems with her life
With help from this Forum I can see we need to build a better way to engage with our daughter