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I am very confused currently the girl I was with had bpd we broke up a couple of times and got back together small fights nothing to big

We had a small argument 3 days ago other than that everything has been fine she was over at my house  dropped her off at work picked her up everything was great kissed her before she got out of the car and then she said she was gonna call me to speak to me long story short she ended up breaking up with me she hasn’t blocked me just doesn’t respond to any texts I assumed we were doing good

I’m guessing the argument 3 days prior is what caused her to break up with me I still love this girl is it worth it to try to get her back or am I discarded for good

Hello Kaidenthegod and welcome to the group  :hi:

In any relationship, BPD or not, the breakup typically hits one person by surprise while the other person, initiating the breakup, has done more processing. It sounds like that's part of what's going on for you -- things seemed totally fine and normal, and then "out of the blue" she says you guys are done. That's really painful, and had to have been a shock... I'm sorry that's going on for you.


Without knowing much more, my thought is that it's too soon to say.

Most relationships except our current one end in "failure", if you think about it a certain way -- it's not like I'm still dating the ~5 or so persons I dated before I married my husband! In a sense, it is common and the norm for relationships to fail -- but no less painful.

Whether that's the case here, hard to say. The breakup-makeup cycle you two experienced can damage relationships. On the other hand, it sounds like the breakup is pretty fresh -- lots of new raw feelings, and it's possible she just chose the only lever she saw she could pull, to make things less painful or to get space (vs her thinking through/calculating that this would absolutely be a "final" breakup).

The way you respond to this -- especially if you are able to try new, empathetic, possibly non-intuitive approaches -- will matter. "Typical" advice, like "send flowers', "make a grand romantic gesture", "remind her of how much you love her", will probably backfire (is my guess, given that BPD is involved). Her feeling heard, understood, validated, and respected, will be important.

...

How long were the two of you together?

What were the initial breakups about?

What was this last fight/breakup about?

What did she say when she called?

...

Not easy stuff... but we'll be here to listen and walk with you in this.

We were together for about 2 years the initial breakups we had were always caused by small fights leading into bigger issues like me saying the wrong word while talking to her  mainly and her feeling like she couldn’t be at peace with me that I was the main cause of her stress and that I would overwhelm her we had one big fight a year in but since then it has been really good. the last fight we had was the fight 3 days prior it was mainly my fault I had gotten annoyed with her because she cancelled our plans I made after we had both been busy to go hang out with her other friend group and spend the night in New York. when she texted me and cancelled I had  sent her a laughing emoji that led to her turning her location off and blocking me it wasn’t that bad of a argument I picked her up the next day we talked about why I reacted that way and that I was annoyed because I felt like she was being distant again I apologized and then she slept over and then we spent the next 3 days like normal it was great no arguments

The day she called me she said that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she wants to be single she said she was gonna say that to me after the argument we had but that she didn’t but she did say her thoughts were because the argument we had

She’s done this same thing before where she said she doesn’t love me came back and said she regrets it

She was showing me the signs she was disengaging a bit I just never realize till it’s too late to she starts changing her hair and her social media name and pictures like she did this time

I don’t know at this point I felt like I did and had understanding. Of her feelings before but now I don’t know she hasn’t texted me hasn’t even blocked me except on instagram just very confused any understanding into her emotions would help :)

The last time this happened I was able to talk to her and speak through everything after a while she responded but I don’t wanna text her again and overwhelm her if that is what it is she hasn’t responded and she doesn’t seem to care at all

Update she clarified to me that she was focusing on her and work hopefully she pushes through this time and doesn’t go back to how she was before when she quit her job and was out every day. I guess I just leave her be for now :)

She is now ignoring me again said it was unhealthy for us to talk

As Kells said, this is still very fresh and it's hard to know if this is a bump in the road or something more serious.  You are right though, the more you push at this point, the more she's going to run in the opposite direction. 

That's not because of you personally, it's a BPD trait that is very common to see here.

Give this some time to work itself out- that's your best bet.  In the meantime, take some you-time with friends and get out there having fun and making memories (whatever that means for you).  Let her work through this at her own pace.

Yes all my friends that are still here are great and helping me through this thankfully :)

I’m getting through the days I’m still just confused everything seemed perfectly okay until the call the days were actually great and next day she no longer had love for me