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I am very confused currently the girl I was with had bpd we broke up a couple of times and got back together small fights nothing to big

We had a small argument 3 days ago other than that everything has been fine she was over at my house  dropped her off at work picked her up everything was great kissed her before she got out of the car and then she said she was gonna call me to speak to me long story short she ended up breaking up with me she hasn’t blocked me just doesn’t respond to any texts I assumed we were doing good

I’m guessing the argument 3 days prior is what caused her to break up with me I still love this girl is it worth it to try to get her back or am I discarded for good

Hello Kaidenthegod and welcome to the group  :hi:

In any relationship, BPD or not, the breakup typically hits one person by surprise while the other person, initiating the breakup, has done more processing. It sounds like that's part of what's going on for you -- things seemed totally fine and normal, and then "out of the blue" she says you guys are done. That's really painful, and had to have been a shock... I'm sorry that's going on for you.


Without knowing much more, my thought is that it's too soon to say.

Most relationships except our current one end in "failure", if you think about it a certain way -- it's not like I'm still dating the ~5 or so persons I dated before I married my husband! In a sense, it is common and the norm for relationships to fail -- but no less painful.

Whether that's the case here, hard to say. The breakup-makeup cycle you two experienced can damage relationships. On the other hand, it sounds like the breakup is pretty fresh -- lots of new raw feelings, and it's possible she just chose the only lever she saw she could pull, to make things less painful or to get space (vs her thinking through/calculating that this would absolutely be a "final" breakup).

The way you respond to this -- especially if you are able to try new, empathetic, possibly non-intuitive approaches -- will matter. "Typical" advice, like "send flowers', "make a grand romantic gesture", "remind her of how much you love her", will probably backfire (is my guess, given that BPD is involved). Her feeling heard, understood, validated, and respected, will be important.

...

How long were the two of you together?

What were the initial breakups about?

What was this last fight/breakup about?

What did she say when she called?

...

Not easy stuff... but we'll be here to listen and walk with you in this.

We were together for about 2 years the initial breakups we had were always caused by small fights leading into bigger issues like me saying the wrong word while talking to her  mainly and her feeling like she couldn’t be at peace with me that I was the main cause of her stress and that I would overwhelm her we had one big fight a year in but since then it has been really good. the last fight we had was the fight 3 days prior it was mainly my fault I had gotten annoyed with her because she cancelled our plans I made after we had both been busy to go hang out with her other friend group and spend the night in New York. when she texted me and cancelled I had  sent her a laughing emoji that led to her turning her location off and blocking me it wasn’t that bad of a argument I picked her up the next day we talked about why I reacted that way and that I was annoyed because I felt like she was being distant again I apologized and then she slept over and then we spent the next 3 days like normal it was great no arguments

The day she called me she said that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she wants to be single she said she was gonna say that to me after the argument we had but that she didn’t but she did say her thoughts were because the argument we had

She’s done this same thing before where she said she doesn’t love me came back and said she regrets it

She was showing me the signs she was disengaging a bit I just never realize till it’s too late to she starts changing her hair and her social media name and pictures like she did this time

I don’t know at this point I felt like I did and had understanding. Of her feelings before but now I don’t know she hasn’t texted me hasn’t even blocked me except on instagram just very confused any understanding into her emotions would help :)

The last time this happened I was able to talk to her and speak through everything after a while she responded but I don’t wanna text her again and overwhelm her if that is what it is she hasn’t responded and she doesn’t seem to care at all

Update she clarified to me that she was focusing on her and work hopefully she pushes through this time and doesn’t go back to how she was before when she quit her job and was out every day. I guess I just leave her be for now :)

She is now ignoring me again said it was unhealthy for us to talk

As Kells said, this is still very fresh and it's hard to know if this is a bump in the road or something more serious.  You are right though, the more you push at this point, the more she's going to run in the opposite direction. 

That's not because of you personally, it's a BPD trait that is very common to see here.

Give this some time to work itself out- that's your best bet.  In the meantime, take some you-time with friends and get out there having fun and making memories (whatever that means for you).  Let her work through this at her own pace.

Yes all my friends that are still here are great and helping me through this thankfully :)

I’m getting through the days I’m still just confused everything seemed perfectly okay until the call the days were actually great and next day she no longer had love for me

Hi again Kaidenthegod;


Did you respond to that message? Curious if there was any interaction between that, and this:


That's hard stuff to hear, and not what you wanted, I know.

Did she give any detail about why she thought it was unhealthy to talk?


That's good information to have -- that (whether "rightly" or "fairly" or not) she would sometimes feel stressed out around you and overwhelmed by you.

Going out on a limb here: would she ever say negative things about herself? If so, how did you respond? (she might not have, and that's fine -- just asking to get a better picture of the situation).

Yea I responded asked her along the lines of why and what made her think that

She feels that we have been through so much and there’s no fixing it she also said that I treated her like a object I can control whcih is beyond the truth she also said I made her feel insecure about her self image

She would always say negative things about her self and think I had my eyes for other people I always complimented her I never took any of her insecurities and didn’t do anything but try to compliment her about her weight looks etc about her being the only one I have my eyes on

I responded by saying she was the only one I ever looked at and she was the only one I cared for in that way and that she was the most beautiful and Caring person there is

But she still feels like that’s not true and still says she hates everything about herself because of me

She seems less distant now she still left me on delivered but she isn’t being harsh and has the same feeling of hate as before

So she called and wanted to talk and to build back up our relationship I’m hopeful but you know :)

Even without BPD in the picture, relationships are built on trust.  And from what you've shared, she has felt that the trust was broken at least on some level.  Maybe you don't feel the same way and that's all right; this isn't about blame or pointing fingers.  Just realize that if she says she feels hurt, she's actually hurt because feelings are real.

Building back the relationship is about building trust all over again, and this is often a communication issue as much as anything else.  This lesson on Ending Conflict might help- https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

there may be a few things going on here.

1. the two of you have an on again/off again pattern. that matters. it means theres something about the relationship that is broken, or at least, not quite working. each makeup/breakup pattern does more damage to the relationship, and to trust, successively. its a pattern you want to try to break, as you slowly over time introduce new, healthier dynamics to your relationship. its not entirely in your control, and may not be fixed overnight, but its a new, healthier direction that you can try to lead your relationship in.

2.


youve gotta understand where a person with chronically, pathologically low self esteem is coming from.

theyre coming from a place of low self worth or low self image, to the point that compliments dont only feel untrue, they may feel insincere.

for example, if you believed, truly believed, that youre bad looking, and i insist to you that youre good looking, you will not suddenly come around to my line of thinking. youd wonder why im saying something that isnt true. you might question my motivations, or wonder what im "buttering you up for". at best, it would simply feel disorienting and off, with your own image of yourself.

how do you deal with that? you start by accepting it - its part of who she is, not something to argue, or convince her shes wrong about.

that isnt to say never compliment her, ever. but dont try to convince her, or change her thinking. when you do compliment her, try keeping it simple, and personalized. for example, lets say shes looking good, you can tell she really put effort into her appearance; you might tell her she looks nice. thats less loaded. easier to digest. easier for her to sense that even if it may not ring true to her, that you truly feel that way. it doesnt sound like it comes with a hidden motive. those are the sorts of things that someone with chronically low self esteem may unconsciously scan for, when something doesnt ring true.

make sense?

3.
this is a good tack - you opened by listening with genuine curiosity. try, next time, to absorb what shes telling you like data that youre gathering, rather than a narrative to correct or argue with. listening builds trust. it makes a person feel heard. responding immediately with how we feel, or correcting them, just tells them theyre wrong, and shuts them down. shes telling you theres a lot of damage here. show her youre listening.

Update we have been speaking again me and her are spending more time together again still not together because she wants to see inprovement In me before I ask her back out

Good to hear an update. Sounds like some baby steps in a positive direction.


Did she say what she meant by "improvement"?

She said to heal from my past issues in my life that from her perspective I’m not healed from. Which I am

It also sucks because she is still being super distant now after things seemed good

show her a man that isnt threatened by distance. one that shares her goals, and is focused on improvement.

if you want her to re-invest, show her something to re-invest in.

Thank you yes that’s what I’m working on :) I hope she sees something she will but right now she’s back to ignoring me

this is a sign to dial back your pursuit. she doesnt want to go from 0-100.

Ya that makes sense she told me before  doesn’t want to do stuff together that seems like relationship stuff

Good news hung out with her for about 20 minutes then drove her to her job :) it’s going good

We were doing great talking every day now she’s back to being distant it was so random and confusing

Between May 21st and today, what did the "talking every day" look like (i.e. who initiated communication, how long was it for, was it call/text/email/other...)?

...

It's possible that the "push/pull" dynamic, which can be common in BPD relationships, might describe your situation. So, in a sense, what she's doing isn't random or confusing... it's predictably unpredictable behavior, for a pwBPD.

That doesn't make it easy for you, of course.

What you can do is educate yourself about common dynamics in BPD relationships, so that instead of kind of being reactive to her emotions (i.e. letting her emotions/actions drive your perception of the situation), you can take a step back, get some perspective, identify the behavior going on, understand why she's doing it, and gain some emotional equilibrium... instead of letting her highly variable emotions/actions drive your relationship.

If you want, take a look at our workshop on BEHAVIORS: Push/pull (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0), especially this section:


Do you think this could be part of what's going on? Correct me if I'm off base and missed anything.

Yes it honestly seems like the push/pull

We were hanging out for like 4 days really I dropped her off at work we would go drive around and just do random stuff she slept over at mine and we watched a movie then I dropped her off at her cousins wedding and she became distant again

The week that she was talking to me and not being distant she was having trouble with her friend and then she started being distant again after her and him made up at her cousins wedding so i really also belive I’ve been replaced because this isn’t the first time these same exact type of actions of her becoming close to these people and then completely pushing me away

She also feels like I’m overly sexual twords her which I hate because she was initiaing everything

I just wanna be able to be in that middle ground to grow not twords one side so she pushes me away

Turns out she monkey branched

what happened?