BPDFamily.com

This is my first post and I'm hoping to gain a little bit of clarity from the group. Thank you in advance! I feel very lost and confused.

The last 3 yrs, I've been on a roller coaster of emotional/mental health with my husband of 6 yrs. His therapist and psychiatrist are still figuring out his diagnosis (right now they are treating it as major depression) but his symptoms seem characteristic of bipolar II or BPD in my opinion. He goes through cycles of being OK, then increasingly irritable/angry, an outburst of rage that lasts anywhere from ~3 hrs to 3 days, followed by depression so severe he can't get out of bed for 1-3 days. The cycles have been 3-4 months long typically, but at his worst, last fall, it was weekly. On occasion, he will lash out on me (verbally) -- calling me names, blaming me for everything, sometimes saying he wants a separation, yelling, etc -- wakes up the next morning feeling deeply depressed/ashamed and begs for forgiveness.

Most recently (~3 weeks ago), he came home after spending 2 weeks at McLean hospital for depression and after a few days being home, lashed out on me -- telling me that "he did a lot of thinking over the last week in the hospital and realized that his problems always come back to me, he thinks that if we just had more sex he wouldn't have any issues and he wants a separation."

It was the same old cycle -- where he was so sure of himself and cruel, and then the next day begged for forgiveness and spent the next 3 days in bed. Something about this time was different and I'm having a really hard time moving forward with the relationship. I don't think I can just forgive and forget. He's telling me that he had just come from the hospital and because of this I should be more understanding. He says he actually thinks a separation will "only push us further apart" and he "likes what we have." Meanwhile, I have been the only one working for the last 2 yrs, taking care of our 2 and 5 yr old girls often times by myself, feel like we're already as far apart as we can possibly be and know something needs to change. His reasoning alone makes me feel like we are living in two different realities.

Ultimately, my confusion and sadness comes from the fact that he was not always like this -- we've known each other since we were 18 yrs old (we're 35 now) and he's only started acting this way the last 3 yrs. I've been holding on hope that his mental health will improve and our home life will improve, which is why I think I've given him so many free passes and kept things hidden from our friends and family in the past.

My questions for the group are:
1) Have you found that people can improve long term with the right meds, therapy, and self awareness? Or, will this "up and down" always be the new normal to some extent.
2) For those of you who did see improvement in their BPD spouse's behavior, were you able to regain trust and connection again? How?
3) At what point (when there is no physical abuse) is it safer/healthier for the kids to have their parents separate then to always be around 1 parent who is mentally unstable?

Thanks in advance to anyone who took the time to read this lengthy post and may have advice.

Hi and welcome to the forum,

I am also new here, I read your post, i am really sorry that you are going through such a hard time..I know how the blames feel, we all face this with our BPD partners, so I can really relate to you.

We both seem to have long term bfs cum husbands (i also know my guy from school day and married for 4.5yrs now)..however, the fact that he deteriorated only last 3 yrs, that is at the age of 30+ is a bit new to me...usually they start showing the symptoms as young adults. Has something changed in these last 3yrs due to which he might be deteriorate? Also, since you know him for long, have you never felt he might have some issue, maybe even subtle?

Coming to your questions, i haven't yet managed to see change for my case, but if you see the "success stories" thread, a number of people have said that with consistent therapy and medication, they were able to see substantial changes and even live much happier life. Even the arguments never really escalated afterwards.  So there is hope. The third question is bit more intense, maybe more experienced members can give better suggestions.

All the best.