BPDFamily.com

My husband has been seeing his therapist for about 9 months. Never in person, only virtual, and about 6 months ago moved to bi-weekly instead of weekly sessions. He doesn't work and our kids are in school all day.
I know that we shouldn't mention BPD/NPD as a diagnosis, so I do not. He rages, attempts to control things, has emotional breakdowns like a 2 year old. During arguments he physically blocks me into rooms and doesn't allow me to go where I want to go. While he hasn't said in those words, "I want to kill myself" since January he implies it with things like, "the world is giving me signs I shouldn't be here" or "I won't swear on my life because I don't value it, but I'll swear on yours".
During a recent emotional breakdown where he was looking for advice I again suggested inpatient/daily outpatient therapy. (I hadn't brought it up since his actual suicidal comment in January). He freaked out . He said he didn't want to and it wouldn't be effective if he didn't want to. Yesterday he told me his therapist doesn't think he needs more intensive therapy! Also, during arguments when he won't stop talking in circles and I say that I need a break and he tries restricting my movements, I will pack some things and try go to our guest room. The last time this happened, he told me his therapist said I do this to punish him.

I understand that he could be lying to me about what his therapist is saying. I also know he could be lying to her about what is happening.

Is there any benefit to trying to contact his therapist behind his back to set the record straight ?

I'm planning on filing for divorce in about month. I'm hoping to get full custody, but know that's unlikely. I want his home he ends up making to be as stable as possible for my kids.

Unless the therapist tells us directly, then yes, we don't know exactly what a T tells a client during a session.

A person struggling with a PD may experience or remember standard therapeutic empathy/support/coalition-building with some distortion. It's entirely possible that his T asked something like "what do you think about the suggestion for an IOP", he responded "I think I'm doing fine without it", and the T validated appropriately by saying "that would feel good to feel like you're successful and doing well", and he, in his PD neediness and lack of sense of self, turned that into "see? a professional says I don't need more help!"

Just one possibility for what's going on.

That being said --


What would the goal(s) be? What would you hope would happen?

Under normal circumstances I would comment that you could share your information and insight, though the therapist would need patient's permission to reply.  (HIPAA privacy laws.)

However, if you're making plans for divorce filing soon, do you want to upset the current status quo?

By the way, as disordered as our ex-spouses are, they are experienced manipulators able to sense slight shifts in behavior.  You don't want to be sabotaged just before filing.  Be sure to have a few alternate what-if plans, Plan B, Plan C, etc.

The goal I'm trying to reach is if he is lying to her about situations and his current mental state, to have her aware of what his actual behavior is. I want his therapy to be as effective as possible for the sake of our children.

I would err on the side of caution here.  Your intent - despite being well-meaning - could possibly backfire. 

I don't know what the psychologist's professional obligations are, besides patient confidentiality, and don't know whether they allow for taking in testimony from partners of their patients.  I can imagine manipulative partners trying to intrude, and so any psychologist worth their salt would take a partner's testimony skeptically, unless it was corroborated with evidence.

So in this case, if his psychologist hasn't already formed an opinion of him, and he's framed your behavior in a certain way, you reaching out unilaterally like that could confirm his characterization of you.

so I would not reach out unless one of them asks.

also remember that what BPD's say is often so one-sided that even if there is some truth to it, they may be omitting a lot of context.  So he's only sharing with you what his psychologist said that benefits him in the moment.  Point being: don't act solely on something a BPD says, unless you have some reason to believe it's true. 

I would wait until you file for divorce before you contact your husband's therapist. It is unethical for a therapist to keep secrets from the other spouse, particularly when a spouse is secretly planning to file for divorce. Spouses often get their spouse into therapy so the their spouse will have someone to take care of them during and after the divorce. Therapists do not want to be a part of this type of dynamic, as it is a form of betrayal to the spouse being divorced unless the therapist immediately discloses to the other spouse about the secret intentions to divorce.