BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone -this is my first post here...I've been in a relationship for nearly 40 years with someone who regularly verbally abuses me & puts me down. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough/am not caring enough & these are usually angry, loud, raging monologues. I think the only reason I have put up with it is because I had a lot of childhood trauma & would go into the freeze response, as well as such a low self esteem that I  thought that this is all I deserved. Also maybe to self sabotage (unconsciously not consciously). This has now changed because I have done some seriously deep work on myself & have realised that I don't want to put up with this anymore. What I find confusing though is that my partner only shows this side to me-all his other relationships are ok, therefore I thought it was my fault. He is the boss of our own company (I have been manoeuvred out now so have no say yet we are still technically 50/50 partners). He's omnipotent in everything in his life, & it all runs smoothly (unless I "ruin" it with getting  something or other wrong of course). In his life he is in charge of everything & everyone. A few months ago though, he raged at our adult daughter & I was able to see it for what it was-mean, unkind & absolutely not ok. She told him it wasn't too & has withdrawn from him a lot. Seeing him behave like this to someone other than me, made me realise what I've been putting up with & taking the blame for....so here I am! I found this board & I think I've always suspected that NPD was at the bottom of his behaviour, but now I am wondering about BPD, because he definitely swings between being nice to me (in texts, on phone when he thinks I'm close to leaving him) & these rages, in which I barely get to speak (& if I do I'm told I'm being defensive & not listening). What made me think it can't be BPD is that he doesn't threaten to hurt himself & I naively thought that this was always present with BPD.
After all the personal therapy work I have done, I now feel strong enough to see that enough is enough. I think I just feel so sad that it has taken me 40 years to get here- I was co dependent & in a Trauma Bond so strong that I just accepted crumbs.  It's a big help to see that it's not just me on my own & that I'm not alone to have these feelings & to be the one to put up with this vile behaviour, when everyone else gets to see a charming, charismatic, loving person who will do anything for anybody...but not for me :((((

PS he has 2 lovely sisters who absolutely adore him because he will do anything for them & he pays for holidays etc for them. They have NEVER seen this other side to him, so assume obviously that I'm the problem in our marriage (I'm the one in therapy so a fair assumption!). He almost appears to have a fake persona when he's with them-is this a thing with BPD?
Thanks for reading

:welcome:
Although it is sad your circumstances brought you here, you are welcome to benefit from our collective wisdom, wide membership, time-tested strategies and more.


BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Those on the periphery - such as his sisters - generally don't get the full intensity of the poor behaviors and cycling AKA roller coaster.  And the sisters don't see what he does in private scenarios such as at home behind closed doors and probably too when riding in vehicles.  He's grown accustomed to venting on you - letting his hair down, so to speak.  Since you've been with him for so long he likely doesn't care about how he appears in your presence and expects the long obligated relationship makes you less likely to leave him or speak up about what he does when alone with you.

We often mention BPD FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

If you do try to speak with his sisters, likely he would Deny, Blame and Shift Blame.  It would become "he said, she said" which courts typically ignore as hearsay.  Before you think to speak with the sisters, do you have any proof of what life is like with him?  I divorced many years ago, long before the age of today's cell phones so I used digital audio recorders to record my then-spouse's tirades, blamefests and worse.  (I did also make some camcorder videos but she discovered the tape and ripped it into little pieces.)  So I knew much of what I reported was documented with recordings or sometimes witnesses.