BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I hope you are each taking care of yourself, learning, adjusting, and improving your life in some way.

Just an update from me:  This board was incredibly helpful to me at one point and I use the concepts and skills on an almost daily basis, so thought I would drop back to post an update.  It is not fairy tale ending - which may be the reality for many who are in relationships with someone who has a disorder.

I went back and re-read my intro post on the status that brought me here.  The very things I was trying to figure out, pretty much played out as imagined.

I did get divorced - that is in the 5th year.  I try to minimize interaction, although we have 3 children.  There continues to be a series of court hearings which I do not expect to ever end.  At this stage is it mostly about money, although she can not tell me 'what she wants'.

During the divorce, which she extended in any way possible, my son went through multiple suicide attempts.  Lawyers were not helpful.  CPS was not helpful although they visited multiple times.  Judges were not helpful.  Counselors, including reunification counseling, was not helpful.  The 'parents need to learn to get along' narrative.  Finally the second psych ward he was in there was a counselor that drew a line and would not release him to moms.  He has lived with me since and has flourished, and will be graduating with high honors next year in Chemical Engineering.  He is just turning 21 and has his a path set for himself.

My oldest daughter is also in the University out of State.  She has decided to go no contact with me in spite of my continued reach outs and keeping the door open.  She has adopted moms narrative that her childhood was traumatic due to me, and that I am unhealthy to continue a relationship with.

Just as a reference starting during the divorce I am not able to attend any school events or activities because if my Ex 'sees' me, line of sight, she has an emotional reaction that triggers an anaphylaxis shock type response.  The narrative to the kids was that me showing up at events is life threatening and 'your father is trying to kill me'. 

My youngest daughter is just completing the Junior year in HS.  I have very limited contact or information, relegated to an occasional text.  She visits for her Birthday or for Xmas for a couple hours each (I intentionally bought a house in the same town during divorce), and that is it.  I do not know to the degree we will be able to have any meaningful relationship into adulthood, but I hope that someday we do.

My BIL and SIL are both very supportive and stay in touch regularly.  The BIL has cut ties with his sister over it.

The entire history of the relationship with my children has been rewritten to suggest I 'never cared about them then', and "I never did anything with them when young, so why now?'.  Could not be further from the truth.  All photographs have been purged from the house (and for a period of time my face cut out and the photos left hanging)

Oh, and the 'father figure' that was setup for my youngest daughter (because they 'dont really need a father, just a father figure' turned out to be a repeat SA offender and now pending trial.

A genuine disorder.  Not 'pop psychology' that is increasing common throwing labels.  And if you are in a relationship with a genuine disorder 'there is no answer'.  I recall someone here simply telling me to 'stop trying to solve the unsolvable'.  Was good advice, but I was having real difficulty letting go of my children - and I have that difficulty to this day.

I feel like I saved one.  Lost one.  The third TBD.

Tremendous destruction and grief and financial loss ($>200k legal and continues to climb).  Other familial relationships have been destroyed.

In hindsight, to a fair degree, none of it avoidable.  A true disorder is just that - there is no control over it.

I empathize with all of you going through anything even remotely similar.  Take care of yourself.  Lean on family and friends.

Hugs

 :hug:

Hello and welcome back- thanks for the update!

I wasn't here 14 years ago, but your story is all of our stories in the detaching thread.  The only thing I have to add is that while you're still in limbo over the divorce, this too shall pass.  The struggling relationships with the kids, this too shall pass. 

Time has a way of healing everything and they'll see mom's toxic traits in due time.  And when that happens, maybe they'll reach out to dad with a fresh perspective.  That's my story anyway, I got the happy ending by waiting things out.

 :( This is wild.  Did she get in legal trouble for that?  In my state, it's an actual crime to allow a convicted sex offender in the home without notifying the court and the other parent.  Hope nothing happened with your daughter. 

One thing I remember from my case is how people would be surprised by some of the stories I had about BPDxw putting her own interests or convenience before the kids own interest.  She would talk a big game to me and also in public about taking kids to practices, ensuring they had healthy food, were engaged in activities, etc., but as soon as that put any burden on her or what she wanted to do, I'd learn they kids didn't go to practice, missed school, ate fast food for a week, etc.

I've shared the advice here that no matter how things are going post-divorce, with a BPD ex involved, you need to constantly expect the unexpected.  They present a false front of stability, but behind the scenes is anything but. 

I'm concerned now b/c last week I went to my D's softball game, and everything seemed great, and my D wasn't standoffish like she often is when she knows her mom is watching our interactions or listening in on the phone conversations.  I left there thinking "Maybe things have calmed down a bit, and she won't keep badmouthing me and trying to poison my relationship with my daughter because she's seen it hasn't worked"... which reminded me of the maxim above, and now I'm expecting something bad to happen.