BPDFamily.com

Hey all, just had another huge blowout with my bpd wife. She is miserable but thinks it’s all my fault and won’t participate in trying to solve it. The problem is always that we live in squalor, I’m always mean to her, I’m too thin-skinned, and I don’t want to spend any time with her. She will accept no responsibility, will not expend any additional energy, will not speak to professional help. She says she wishes she were dead.

I know I’m very imperfect but I also know that her view is skewed.

    WSF

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  I can relate to how you're feeling right now and it's definitely not fun.

How long have you been married?  And how long into the marriage did the conflicts begin?  Help us get a better idea of what you're dealing with.

Thank you for the response.

We've only been married for a few years, but we've been living together for probably close to twenty. My wife is autistic (as am I to an extent) so recognizing the causes have been like peeling layers from an onion.

The conflicts have been there since early days, but have been escalating as she gets older and she sees her future options running out.

She's extremely sweet and generous, but when something goes wrong, it's always my fault. If I say something that she misinterprets, it's my fault for not being more clear; if she misinterprets something I say, it's my fault for not asking for clarification.

   WSF

It sounds like there's a breakdown in communication, and I know firsthand how frustrating that feels.  I experienced it often with my ex wife and my daughter (both are BPD).

When something "goes wrong", how do you generally try to fix it?

In my case, I'd try talking things out but my wife couldn't fully understand me; it's like I'd say one thing and she'd hear something completely different.  That happens when someone is dysregulated; they react more to their feelings in the moment than the words being said.

For instance, if you ask me for a glass of water, maybe I tell you there's glasses in the kitchen and to help yourself.  But if you've just run five miles and are extremely dehydrated from the sun, then maybe you take my simple suggestion as something different.  Maybe you feel like I'm taunting you or making fun of you.

In other words, my answer could come off as insensitive given the circumstances...even if I meant no harm in what I said.

Stuff like that can really drive BPDs into another gear of a fight or flight mentality, and our job is to disarm the conversations by focusing on their feelings and helping them feel grounded.  There's usually a "story behind the story" when your wife reacts badly, because on some level what you said hurt her emotionally when she was already struggling with something unseen.

Does that make any sense?