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My therapist said I should always have a go bag, with my birth certificate, passport, and other important documents, in case my HwuBPD becomes physically violent.  I used to have one ready, when he was very angry for a long stretch of time.  I didn’t think he’d hit me, but I couldn’t tolerate the yelling and the apparent blind rage. 

Eventually, I disassembled the go bag.  At the time, it only consisted of a change of clothing, toiletries, and phone & iPad chargers.  since he has never hit me in 20 years, I figured it’s not likely to happen.  Also, because he’s a huge man, he’s said that even before  junior high, he realized he could kill someone with his bare hands, so he has never fought or challenged anyone. Therefore, I’ve never feared being hit, until I was warned by my therapist. 

She said because he’s untreated, and because he appears to have dementia as well, he’s unpredictable.  So I need to be prepared. This is quite sobering, but I guess I need to face reality. 

At present, I’m doing well with detaching, although it seems to make him more clingy.  Still, that’s better than constant negativity and attempts to start arguments.  It’s tough, but as I’ve mentioned — we’re both retired seniors on limited incomes, so there is no way I can make it on my own. 

I imagine it’s better to be safe than sorry, so I need to prepare a go bag.  The problem is —if he gets violent —  I can only do one night with a friend without imposing, and I can’t afford more than a couple of nights in a hotel.  I really am alone in this, since my very supportive sister has passed on. 

For now, I’m going to continue enjoying lunches with friends, going to the movies, taking walks, and spending time in our fitness center, to avoid being home with him all day long.  I have carved out a separate and enjoyable life without him, but I do have to go home everyday.  Also, being in my mid-70’s, I only have so much energy — I need to be home relaxing too. I’m doing the best I can.

I guess I’m just venting.  The idea of putting together a go bag probably scared me, but I’m going to do it. 

Thanks to all of you for being here. 

First of all, sorry you're dealing with the situation at this stage in your life. 

As far as your issue: Is there maybe a shelter or some place you could go if you had to stay somewhere else beyond a few nights?

Also think about where you'd keep the go-bag, and how it would work if you plan to leave.  Like where would you keep it so that: 1) it was accessible to you in the event you had to leave, and 2) he wouldn't find it?

And of course, what would you do if unfortunately he did hit you?  Would you call the police?  Would you feel better off finding a way to reconcile with him, or separating and taking your chances on more limited finances?   

It's helpful to remind yourself that you're making these preparations and thinking through these issues to reduce your worry and stress if the time comes.  I know we all have a tendency to sometimes make things "real" in our minds when we think about stressful situations, but understand that this doesn't mean the threat is going to happen, just that we're preparing ourselves for it.   

I hope you can see the go-bag as something for your own peace of mind, rather than reminder of the ugliness you've dealt with. 

Think about a safe place for important documents. My BPD mother would destroy property if she got a hold of any. One possible safe place is a safe deposit box- in your name only. They give you two keys. If you have an adult child, or other relative, friend,  you trust, then they can have their name on the box and the other key. This is for passport, birth cerficate, etc.

You may feel like staying with someone is an imposition. Maybe if you were vacationing at their place it would be. But this is life threatening. If a friend showed up at my door to escape abuse, it would not be an imposition to be there in the immediate sense. However, for safety- there needs to be a next plan.

DV shelter locations are secret, for a reason. Often there's a "front" for them. In our area, it's a counseling center. If someone shows up needing to escape a violent spouse, they are sent to the secret place for their own safety as a violent angry partner may try to come after them. This is probably less likely with an elderly man like your H. But hypothetically, I would get my "friend" to the safest place possible so the angry partner doesn't come after both of us. I think a call to a DV hotline or asking your therapist for the place to go if you need a shelter is a good idea. It may be the safest place for you.

As a "senior" you can also contact adult protective services in your area for information if there is one. Elder abuse is a specific concern and there may be help in that category too.

I have mentioned this before- but if you don't have a plan for the "what if" for you- please get one. Hopefully all will be well but even a minor illness or injury can put you in a situation where you need some help with fixing a meal, or laundry, and your H may not be willing or able to do these things for you. My parents kept their affairs secret from us kids which made it very difficult for us to assist when they needed us to. There is an in between - people with early dementia can retain autonomy and legal competency at first. At one point, BPD mother became in control of Dad's medical care and all their assets. It would not be in your best interest to have your H be in control of this for you.

At some point, you may also need to think about your H's safety if dementia progesses. I have two friends who were caring for their beloved fathers at home, but eventually they would begin to wander out of the house and get lost and it became potentially dangerous for them to be there. If funds are limited and a spouse needs to be in a Medicaid covered facility- Medicaid will not take the house from the other spouse ( they may take it eventually but not as long as you need it).

I'm sharing this -even though you are doing well and hopefully will for a long time- if your H has dementia, he's going to need more care over time. Even though your focus is on you, it helps to know what resources are available for him too since the two of you are connected by marriage and in the same house.

Hi there,

I keep a go bag ready just because I find it’s convenient. Basically I stock it with the ends of toiletries, a change of clothes, chargers and adapters. Since I have a complete travel set, I don’t have to pack and unpack every time I use it.

My thought for you is that if your husband is violent, all you need is a phone to dial 911. The police will either remove him from the home temporarily, or ensure you can collect what you need safely to get away for a time. Having said that, maybe you feel you need a go bag to slip away quickly when your husband is acting up, and you just can’t take it anymore. You might spend a night at a friend’s house or a cheap hotel. You might consider leaving a go bag in your car to make such an escape as easy as possible.

If you’re really worried, you could keep some cash and copies of key documents in a safe deposit box. I’d recommend having a credit card for emergencies, too.

Thank you so much for caring.

From what I can see, shelters for victims of domestic violence are typically for young women with children. I’m not sure I could tolerate a homeless shelter in our city, but I can afford a couple of nights in a hotel. I’m afraid that’s IT. 

I can keep the go-bag where I keep my tote bags, in a cabinet across from my side of the bed.  It will simply be another tote bag, but filled with an few essentials — no problems there.

If he hit me, I think I’d either call 911, or just get out, depending on the severity of my injuries. If I left, eventually, I’d have to return—- It’s my home. There is no other place for me to go. I live in a major city. My mostly single friends live in very small apartments — they cannot accommodate me.  Back home with him, . I’d try to discuss how we might separate, and how we could work out finances.  Unfortunately, he is so mentally impaired, I cannot imagine having a meaningful and productive conversation with him.  He really does live in a different world.  I’d have my hands full at that point.  I’d likely have to throw him out and take it from there. He can’t afford to live on his own either, but I guess I wouldn’t care at that point.

It’s a lot to think about, but it’s necessary.  As you said, it helps reduce the stress if it should happen.

Thanks so much. 

NotWendy,

Thank you so very much for all of the advice.  I have a lot to think about, but it’s important for me to put a plan in place, because things could change. 

Most of my friends are single and they live in tiny apartments. They’d definitely take me in, but it wouldn’t be a permanent solution.

I’ve also started to look into options for his care, since he may very well get to a point when I can no longer handle him. 

It’s a lot. But I need to plan ahead.  I’ve got to look at my situation squarely in the face. I’ve got to come up with some plans for the future. 

Thank you so very much.  You have  no idea how much I appreciate this. 

Keep in mind DV shelters are different from homeless shelters. There may be more younger women and children in them, but they aren't age exclusive. I think the support for women in DV shelters is very different from that in a homeless shelter.

We have one in our community. I don't know where it is as the location is secret but it's supported by local charities and connected to a group of mental health counselors. That is the contact point for anyone who needs this. Women in this situation have access to counseling through them. The goal is the help them become stable on their own if possible.

Homeless shelters are not for long stays. They seem to be more short term immediate situations like helping people with a meal, or shower, or place to stay when it's dangerously cold outside. They aren't designed for the specific problem of domestic abuse. I don't think they'd be a fit for your situation. A DV shelter may not be the best fit for you either but if there's an emergency situation and your friends can't be a resource, it may be the immediate better one.

These are two possible scenarios-

One is that it's a crisis situation. He becomes violent. You call 911. This is not criminal behavior so it's not a police issue. It's a mental health situation. He gets evaluated and they find he has a level of dementia. He can't go back to his home if he's a danger to you or himself. He will likely be admitted until there's placement for him in an appropriate facility.

Social work will get involved. Here is where you say you can not take care of him at home. This is very likely true. He's larger than you. You can not help him with bathing, dressing, or keeping him safe. You can also think of your mental health. Social work will evaluate your financial situation. If he needs a Medicaid placement- that is the route you will take.

The other is non crisis but verbally abusive and he becomes less mentally capable. You call adult protective services. They will come to evaluate. You then tell them you can not manage this by yourself. They will then discuss options with you.

In either of these situations, you won't likely need to stay with someone else for long term. Just long enough to get yourself to safety in a crisis situation as he'd may get admitted if he's being evaluated. If it's not a crisis, then social services will discuss options with you.

Where DV resources are lacking is for men who are subjected to DV and also for men who are falsely accused. In order for someone to be placed in a nursing home or memory care unit, they must qualify by professional evaluation. Your H will retain his legal competency unless he's had an evaluation that proves he's not.

In these scenarios, it's assumed he has dementia and would qualify for services through evaluation.

My BPD mother did qualify for nursing home level care but she refused to go. She remained legally competent. The only way she'd have gone for this level care is if her assisted living center required it. There was also discussion for her to be evaluated for dementia but it turned out she didn't have it. To have gone that route- we'd have to have a full psychological evaluation and present it in court and apply for guardianship for her.

The law is protective of elder people's autonomy. To lose that requires objective proof. But it your H becomes violent and has dementia, then an evaluation in an urgent situation would likely be enough to qualify him.