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Title: BPD Husband - Trying to find out if our 4 yrs marriage can be saved Post by: tata934 on May 17, 2025, 07:14:06 PM Hello, I am so glad that I found this group. The last 2 years of our marriage have been challenging, the roller coaster is real (cheating /devaluation /hateful attitude and comments /criticism / jealousy / control vs apologies, begging not to leave, caring behaviour - short-lived though). Only now I am starting to recognize my part in this and how I abandoned myself for the sake of the marriage, and to try to keep him happy. I think that I am past the suffering, tears, and victim mode ... I still get triggered, but I am starting to not care ... I am not sure if I have already passed the point of no return ... I don´t see him willing to make any efforts (even though he has said he wants to try) ... Thank you for reading ... hope to get more clarity through your experiences and comments
Title: Re: BPD Husband - Trying to find out if our 4 yrs marriage can be saved Post by: tata934 on May 17, 2025, 07:22:37 PM Hello, I am so glad that I found this group. The last 2 years of our marriage have been challenging, the roller coaster is real (cheating /devaluation /hateful attitude and comments /criticism / jealousy / control vs apologies, begging not to leave, caring behaviour - short-lived though). Only now I am starting to recognize my part in this and how I abandoned myself for the sake of the marriage, and to try to keep him happy. I think that I am past the suffering, tears, and victim mode ... I still get triggered, but I am starting to not care ... I am not sure if I have already passed the point of no return ... I don´t see him willing to make any efforts (even though he has said he wants to try) ... Thank you for reading ... hope to get more clarity through your experiences and comments. PD: Just wanted to clarify that he has not been diagnosed, but he checks almost all the marks (except self-harm behaviours). Two years ago, I begged him to start couple´s therapy and he strongly refused, he doesn´t believe in therapy Title: Re: BPD Husband - Trying to find out if our 4 yrs marriage can be saved Post by: Pook075 on May 19, 2025, 01:29:17 AM Hello and welcome to the family. I'm so sorry you're in this position and it's certainly not easy.
For your direct question- is it too late? It's never too late if you still want to try. But at the same time, you have to be honest with yourself and your physical/mental/emotional needs as well...either they're being met or they're not. And if they're not, then you have to look at what's within your control to change in the relationship. For instance, it's in your control to stop arguing...and to stop taking verbal abuse. You can't directly change him, but you could walk away when things take a turn and avoid those situations entirely. That will challenge his thinking, and may cause things to escalate at first. But it is something within your control. For me personally, I realized a few months after separating that I still wanted to reconcile, but only if <a, b, and c> were able to happen. I had to go through the process of putting myself and my needs first though to actually be able to see the situation clearly, which is something that's so hard to do when you're in the middle of it all. So this really all comes down to you- what do you want? What are you willing to do in order to make substantial changes? What would you expect from him and are your expectations realistic? |