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Title: Survivors guilt Post by: AlleyOop23 on May 20, 2025, 11:20:47 AM In my last post one of the responses posted this story - The Bridge fwiw found here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all I think about it everyday and it has helped me set better boundaries. As I move further away from the relationship my wife’s reunion fantasy is crumbling and she’s pulling out every thing she can think of - you owe me, we had vows, she’ll die, she can’t parent in this state, this is perimenopause- her hair is falling out etc. I should move back in and fully try again she says. What about the good times what about the kids. I find myself through therapy and coaching being able to avoid being pulled in. But I am feeling better as I get more free. And I feel guilty for that which my therapist identified as survivors guilt. So like the man on the bridge I am letting go of the rope. But struggling to feel okay with it and looking for suggestions or resources. TIA. Title: Re: Survivors guilt Post by: ForeverDad on May 20, 2025, 12:46:16 PM Recovery - and so much more - is a process, not an event.
A final decree is an event but many of the toughest aspects depend upon processing the impact of it all. I agree it's hard to find a way to separate lives after a failed marriage, especially if the other continues pulling at you with emotional twists and turns. We don't want to be the unfeeling guy (or gal) yet the new boundaries after marriage are there to help us follow our new path. As time progresses you'll be able to more easily balance the level of contact you have. Here's a boundary I learned and shared long ago. It may help you navigate how to manage scenarios when others can't or shouldn't make their problems your problems. Reminds me of when years ago I manned lobby reception desks in a couple NYC hotels. Passersby would walk in and ask to use a restroom. Sometimes even a mother with kids jumping up and down. "Sorry, the restrooms are in the rooms." I'd be asked, putting me on the spot, where do you go? "I go through a locked door in the basement for staff facilities. Why don't you go across the street and use a nearby restaurant?" But they would say the restaurants said their restrooms are only for their customers and they'd have to buy something. I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems." Title: Re: Survivors guilt Post by: PeteWitsend on May 21, 2025, 10:15:53 AM Wow... that thread is from 2007. I forget sometimes how much community involvement and learning there has been on this site. That's 18 years ago now... an entire generation has been born since then. That book sounds interesting and helpful. I'm going to check it out.
Title: Re: Survivors guilt Post by: Under The Bridge on May 22, 2025, 12:13:04 AM I find myself through therapy and coaching being able to avoid being pulled in. Well done! That key moment, when we finally realise that getting pulled back onto the ride again and again just isn't working, despite our hopes. Took me 4 years to see that but when I did, I went solid no-contact and never saw her again. I didn't have any guilt for myself as I knew I'd done all I could and gone way, way beyond what was expected of any partner. The regret was there though, that things couldn't have worked out. Stay positive, it will get easier. |