BPDFamily.com

I frequent this forum when I feel like I’m loosing my mind and need reminded that I’m not alone. I feel like im on edge today in particular because I have to make it through a 16 hour car ride (we leave tonight) and my husband has been splitting.
I’ve been walking on egg shells for years. I go to work, nest a lot, tend to the kids and try to keep to myself . Outside of work, and getting my kids to birthday parties and the occasional extracurricular activity, my life is very monotonous.Primarily because I work a lot to make ends meet, I don’t have friends and keep my family at a healthy distance. The more i interact with people (outside of the kids the) the more he is triggered and I feel like I “pay for it later”. I journal and pray alot and honestly just live my life 2 steps ahead so I can get by. My personality type does not align with what I put up with and the only reason I’m still in this relationship is because every time I leave I’m dependent on others helping me (which doesn’t last), he acts like the good guy so I just look like I’m putting my kids through an ordeal unnecessarily and he stalks me.My plan is to leave when my kids are all over 18 so I can disappear. They’ll know where to find me but he won’t .
I’m worried about the car ride which  is to my son’s graduation. I really want to see my son walk so I’m determined to push through whatever mental torment comes my way for my kid. But it would be nice to not have to worry about such things !
 Thanks for allowing me to vent !

Since you're truly going to be stuck in a car with him, and can't get out of his physical presence for 16 hours, it's probably a good idea to review the "Tools" tab at the top of this website, and remind yourself of the techniques to end conflict, to stay calm, listen with empathy, and to avoid taking the bait when he tries to draw you into an argument. 

At least you see a light at the end of the tunnel here; hopefully you don't have too long to go until your kids are all over 18.

Do you really need to wait until the children are legal adults to exit the marriage?  If the children are able to stand up for themselves then one possible positive is family court would likely give older minors a limited voice in whom they'd prefer to be their primary parent.  So I guess my question is, are any of your children enmeshed with or controlled by your spouse, which would make a sooner separation more difficult?

I recall that when my son was 11 years old and my divorce had long since been final my ex's lawyer filed for the court to have an in camera interview with our son.  By then we had been in and out of court for years but court, as is typical, had never once met the children.  The court and his Guardian ad Litem (GAL or child's attorney) never quizzed him directly in that session.  I  learned they just spoke on various topics and noted how he responded when a parent was being mentioned.  The court ruled in my favor.

However, whenever you do decide that the adult relationship is over and it's time to end it, then be aware that there are some aspects of your life you do not share.  I'm speaking of your plans and exit strategies.  If you reveal too soon you're leaving, he may block or raid the shared accounts.  If you share your exit strategies he may feel empowered to sabotage them, perhaps even try to turn the kids against you.

Divorce in our sort of cases takes longer than others.  My divorce took two years, a bit longer than most reported here.  My son was only three years old when we separated, but I hear that sometimes older children, especially ones that drive, have been known to "vote with their feet".