BPDFamily.com

Hello

This is my first time here. I just got out of a relationship with my gf who has bpd. We were only dating for 4 months and I had to end the relationship because 2 months into the relationship we got into a fight that completely changed our dynamic. Before this fight I was sleeping over almost every night. We were going on amazing dates. It was so magical. Then the fight happened and it’s like she got stuck.

 I have anxious attachment and when things like relationship dynamics shift it really affects me and I need things to return to normal otherwise I get major anxiety. My gf knew this and at first she was very supportive and understanding about it. After the fight though we stopped going on fun dates. No more sleep overs. Walls were up. Things weren’t getting better. The last date we went on we had lunch and she explained to me that for her to combat her bpd she needs to keep busy with hobbies and that she needs to have less time with me. The honey moon phase we had before the fight might not be able to come back. Because if she let her guard down her bpd could manifest and ruin things.

I appreciated that she was getting help for her bpd, doing booklets and going to counselling. But I told her I need closeness to feel safe in the relationship. Adding more distance just isn’t going to help things. Plus if the honey moon phase is already over I don’t see why we should continue our relationship. She seemed to understand that at the moment she was too focused on calming her bpd and although this made her sad maybe it was poor timing. She said hopefully if she gets control of things she’d reach out and we could try again. We parted on good terms, or so I thought.

About a week later I get a random text from her. I was hoping it was something like “I miss you, I want to be all in, no walls up” nope! It was her saying she got a FB message from someone about me and that she knew it. That she hopes it works out for me. Or something like that. Very cryptic. I asked what she meant and tried to talk to her. When she didn’t reply I did get upset with her. I have never cheated or talked to any girls when we were dating. There was another incident where this seemingly fake profile contacted her and tried to make it sound like I was chasing girls. It was not true at all. It was all very weird and random

Since that text she has ghosted me. I don’t know what to do. Do I wait for her emotions to regulate and hopefully she reaches out? Or do I give her some time and email her to see if she would like to communicate. I love her. I just wanted more closeness and I feel bad that maybe me ending the relationship caused so much stress for her that she had to ghost me. But now I’m so hurt. The idea that she thinks I cheated or that I don’t care tears me up.

Hi and welcome,

I understand that it's very difficult for you to have been misunderstood. As you know, sometimes pwBPD easily falls for these. It has happened to me several times. They tend to believe even the most trivial person and misunderstand us. It's extremely hurtful. In my opinion, there's two things you can do. You can write to her and atleast try to communicate that you haven't done what she was thinking. I know that this will most likely won't have much effect on her, they believe what they want to. But atleast on your side, you can feel more relieved. This will give you closure. This won't guarantee her return. But if you want to walk away, best is to give her an explanation and move on.

If you rather want to patch up, then it's better to validate her emotions. Not the cheating of course but better not to disagree just yet because that will make her push back. Like, you'd say things like i understand that you are hurt. Then maybe ask her if you can meet up one last time? Like, assure her that this is one last time you wanna see and talk to her and then part ways. Then you can meet up and try to speak to her and clear the misunderstanding. You have to be very careful with your words when you meet up. You can discuss that here.

Thanks for the advice.

It’s almost been 2 weeks since she texted that cryptic text about that FB message. If I did want to message and see if she’d like to meet up one last time should I wait a bit longer so her emotions are a bit more settled? Or should I do it now?

Two weeks is a good time duration I feel. You can reach out now. Don't sound like you wanna explain anything or want her back, just sound like a last goodbye and some last talk..all the best..

Well, I messaged her. I apologized for my part in our relationship and how I didn’t show enough patience with her bpd. I told her that getting a strange message about me on FB obviously made her not trust me. And asked if we could come together and talk about things.

She responded by accepting my apology. Conforming what I said. That I wasn’t patient with her and didn’t make her feel safe.

She said she’s comfortably done and feels lighter now that it’s over. It hurts to hear that but I have to accept that.

She mentioned that her friends said that they’ve seen my profile on the dating sites for weeks and she wishes me all the best.

I told her that when she sent me that message accusing me and didn’t want to communicate that I reacted in anger and joined dating sites in that moment But realized it’s just too soon to date.

Then I hoped for the best for her and said my farewell.

It sucks. Knowing you were true to someone and they don’t believe it. At least I know who I am and what I brought to the relationship and that’s all that matters.

I’m just wondering if in everyone’s experience do pwbpd reach out after maybe missing you? I feel like she split on me. She said she’s never been “dumped” before and maybe that was a major hit to her ego and the way to cope was to split on me. I always treated her well and respected her. The only thing I wanted was for things to return to normal.

I don’t even think we could repair the relationship but what I wish is that we could talk and for her to not hate me. It hurts knowing you were committed and loved someone and they think you were doing PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty things behind their beck. Or moving on so quick. I was mad that she ghosted me so I reacted by joining a dating site. But in my heart I just wanted our relationship to work.