BPDFamily.com

Hello from a first timer.

My 40 year old married daughter (and mother of a 4 year old son) has exhibited BPD since early teens.  Never treated and never officially diagnosed.
As she grew older she seemed to be getting better, although has always used/abused alcohol in part to treat her debilitating anxiety (and BPD).
Spent a recent three day trip with her and her older sister and saw first hand how out of control her drinking has become.  In addition, she has lost SO MUCH WEIGHT! I'm suspicious she is taking a weight loss drug (which is hideous because she's tiny!!)  Hopefully it's that and not cancer causing rapid unexplained weight loss. She has always had body image issues (thinks she's fat. Always.) On the trip we went on she never ate, only drank.  I realize that she will not live very long if something doesn't change.
What can I do?  Her husband and her father are on board.  We all want to help her!
Thank you for your support.

Hi there!
It is awesome you all are on the same page.  The bigger question,  though, is will she accept the help? Does she see her behavior as a problem?

Thank you for responding.  And apologies for my slow response.  A lot going on.

As to your questions- My daughter does not think she has a problem.  Which is part of the problem! And she gets very defensive (at the least) when we try to discuss it.
Also, we approached her husband and asked him to call me privately so I could get his sense of the situation.  He seemed disinterested and has not called me a week later.

There are many facets of my daughter's problem that need help but of course right now I'm so afraid of the eating disorder/rapid and dramatic weight loss.  I realize that I can't force her to change or seek help but I really want to help her WANT to seek help.  My next step is to address the issue directly with her in a supportive and loving yet honest way.  We'll see how that goes! Pray for me! xoxo

Most importantly, you need to make sure you have your own support network, especially if your adult daughter does not think she need help.   Not to be a downer, but please have lowered expectations when you do talk (or already have spoken ) to her.   Don't take it on as a failure on your part.

Hi,
I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It's so common for someone with ED to also have SUD and to show BPD traits when they are restricting. I can't tell if you feel the ED is a newer behavior or has been an ongoing pattern?

I have a child in recovery from an ED, and I know it's a battle. As an adult, I'm not sure you hold much sway, which is devastating. I probably would not comment on the thinness or the eating, as you may know, comments can reinforce if she is restricting.

You might instead couch it as: During our trip, I noticed you didn't have much of an appetite. Moms will always be mom, so I wanted to check in and see if all was okay. I'm here if you ever have something you want help with.

My child has been in recovery a bit, and it was finally when she had something to fight for, as DBT would say. It still rears its head, though. It's a tough illness.

The final thing I would say is if you don't have a therapist versed in helping families dealing with ED and or BPD type issues, I believe it's vital for us moms. Or at least support groups. Hang in there.

Thank you so much for responding.
It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this.

I am discovering that being the parent, and my daughter is 40, I am unable to do a lot except love and support her as best I can.  But boy, it takes a toll on me.  I am trying to learn how to live my life everyday regardless of where she is in her journey.  And exploring therapy for me for sure.

It is a tough disease.  But it's never too late to do what we can.
Best wishes and much luck with your daughter.