BPDFamily.com

Me again. I know this sounds crazy to be asking right now but does anyone have a BPD diagnosed child who has become a teacher and works successfully doing that? Or are there any teachers on here who know of or suspect that any colleagues suffer? Any thoughts on BPD and teaching careers welcome. I'm asking because my daughter (19) says that she wants to be a Kindergarten teacher, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how pursuing that career path could be a good/realistic option given how stressful teaching can really be, potential issues with parents and coworkers involving boundaries and disputes etc. and my daughter's current level of emotional dysregulation. I want to be as supportive as possible and she IS excellent with small kids, but dealing with the kids is only a small piece of what it really takes to be successful in that kind of job, and it seems like it's loaded with mine fields. I know that people with BPD CAN be successful in all kinds of careers but that all depends on how well they manage it, and she currently doesn't manage it well and historically has been treatment resistant. I just don't know if I should discourage this in any way or if starting that kind of curriculum might actually inspire her to take treatment and symptom management as seriously as possible.

Hi there,

You ask an excellent question.  I'm wondering about similar issues regarding my BPD stepdaughter, who is now a bit older than your daughter.  Fortunately, my stepdaughter received intensive treatment for BPD, and she has been doing much better in the last year or so.  Nevertheless, she continues to struggle with fully launching as an adult.  She did graduate from college this year (yay), but it took her eight years instead of the typical four.  She's struggled with employment, and I worry because she recently got fired from her job, and she hasn't ever worked a full-time schedule.  But now her dad and I are expecting her to make some headway on supporting herself, and that includes working full-time somewhere that offers benefits like health insurance, as she has aged out of parental plans.

I suppose that the service, education and caretaking industries are probably a natural fit for people with BPD, who tend to be caring and empathetic, and the skills required in those fields play to their natural strengths.  However, like you, I worry that the educational field can be very stressful when unruly children are involved.  In addition, based on my experience with various in-laws who work in the profession, some school environments can be very political and verging on the toxic, both in terms of other teachers and the (demanding) parents.  If your daughter is anything like my stepdaughter, she tends to crumble under stress and discord.  In addition, she seems to find strife wherever she goes.  I'm never sure if the strife is endemic, if she causes it, or a little bit of both.

The other issue I would consider is the significant up-front investment typically required to be a teacher, such as advanced education and certifications.  With BPD, and certainly with my stepdaughter, she doesn't have a very firm grasp of who she is, or even her likes and dislikes.  So the notion of investing more years and thousands of dollars to obtain the required credentials is a high-risk strategy, when I'd say the likelihood of her disliking the profession, or not being able to perform very well in it, is significant.  Does your daughter quit easily?  Does she seem naive and a little clueless about what she wants to do?  Does she seem to change her mind frequently?  My stepdaughter does.  I guess what I'm saying is that before making huge time or financial commitments, it would be a good idea to get some practical teaching experience first, perhaps in a volunteer or trainee capacity.  Maybe there is some sort of after-school program that she could try, before she makes a big commitment.  Maybe she could try tutoring kids one-on-one.  Maybe she could try being a special needs student aide.  I know someone who took a short class to get a certification for this, and the job entailed accompanying a high-risk student on the bus and throughout the school day.  Something like that might provide exposure to the field, before making any giant leaps.  I'll add that if your daughter is asking YOU to make financial commitments to make the teaching dream happen, that you should ensure she has skin in the game, too.

One question I often ask myself is, are we setting up my stepdaughter to fail?  Over the years, I've seen that proceeding in baby steps, alongside continual parental and therapeutic support, has worked the best.  Perhaps ironically, when my stepdaughter was allowed to do whatever she wanted, she tended to fail, and fail miserably, which was a very painful experience.  I think she tended to fail because she was simply not ready to do whatever she wanted.  I hate to say it, but I don't think she was ready to go off to college, live semi-independently with roommates and complete her studies, because she was too immature and hamstrung by BPD.  She couldn't possibly navigate the complexities and rigors of the college academic and social life.  Thus going off to college was setting her up to fail, and any failure feels catastrophic for people with BPD!  She did much better with a reduced course load, ongoing therapy and the ability to stay with her dad and me whenever she needed to (most weekends and some weeknights), basically to get a "time out" from the real world, decompress and recharge, plus a lot of parental support and encouragement, including talking through issues.

I guess my advice would be to encourage your daughter to proceed in baby steps.  I don't think you should discourage her from the educational field, but when she's calm, you can encourage her to be REALISTIC.  Of course she can be a teacher, some day, and that is a laudable and noble goal.  But right now, what is a realistic step that she can take?  If your daughter is diagnosed with BPD but isn't getting treatment and she seems unhinged or like she's losing touch with reality, then I'd probably say that her priority should be getting treatment right now--she can't learn about a new profession or perform in a tough job if she's unhinged or in distress.  If she's getting therapy and she's stable most days, attending to her basic needs properly (eating, sleeping, personal hygiene), then maybe she can consider a baby step forward.  I listed some initial thoughts above--tutoring, volunteering, after-school programs, a position as an aide--anything that gives her a taste of the field, but in bite-sized morsels at first.  If the initial exposures go well, then she can proceed to increase her hours and/or responsibility gradually, in my opinion, as long as she can continue with any recommended therapies.  If it turns out she doesn't like the experiences, then fine.  Learning what she doesn't like for work is equally valuable as learning about she does like, and at least she has something to put on her resume.  Does that make sense?

I'll wrap up by saying that you're not alone.  I'm asking similar questions right now about my stepdaughter, who seems desperate to move to a big expensive city.  But she seems so naive about the entire enterprise, especially about the high cost of living, the difficulties of finding an affordable apartment, the trials of commuting, and how hard it is to work a full-time schedule.  Like you, I don't want to see her fail spectacularly and go off the rails again.  But then again, failure is an excellent teacher, if you are open to learning something.  I don't want to be the person who says, You can't go to the city, you'll fail.  But I've been trying to say, Of course you can go someday, but it doesn't seem realistic until you build up your resume first so you can get a job that will pay you enough to afford an apartment in that city plus living expenses.  But you can work today on building up your resume right where you're living now.

Hi In4thewin

Becoming a teacher was once mentioned by my udd when she was a teenager..

I remember thinking about how unrealistic this career choice would be for my udd. In all honesty my udd isnt a sociable person and doesnt handle stress well but I never voiced my concerns.

Anyway, the idea was shortlived. I think  she really admired a teacher at school, and was possibly "mirroring" her. The idea of working in education was never mentioned again after she changed classes.

Next came almost signing up for the armed forces ... lol

There have been quite a few professions that my udd would say that she was interested in then it would all change again, but if your dd has a real passion for this career I would really encourage her to do some voluntary work first to get a feel for it.

I have heard some examples of people with BPD in college and work settings. From what I know/hear- the academic aspect- learning, may be attainable (depending on their aptitude) but the workplace requires interpersonal skills, executive function, emotional regulation that may be a challenge. One of them is a nurse and while she can work as a nurse- she's had a succession of jobs, each one ending with the issue being someone else's fault (the boss was mean, the co-worker were mean) - the issue being that she's probably seeing things from victim perspective.

On the relationship board here, there are posters mentioning their spouses wBPD are high functioning professionals and some with spouses who are not functional in the workplace. This makes sense because BPD is on a spectrum and also people have different interests and aptitudes. One issue is with interpersonal skills with co-workers and employers. So while your concern about kindergarten teaching is valid- there are interactions with employers and co-workers in every job.

I did know a college student with BPD who could make A's in class but her biggest issue that affected her education was anxiety. I think it would have helped her to attain some accommodations in college if that were possible. I don't know if she did that. I don't think BPD is one of the criteria for accommodations but other diagnoses, such as anxiety may be. Your D, as an adult, would have to be the one to pursue this. She may be resistant due to the label but the situations are kept confidential (in the US- I don't know about elsewhere). All the professor knows is that the student may need extra time on tests, or testing in a quiet space (so they don't feel anxious in class) or whatever the accommodation requests. There's no medication specifically for BPD but there is for anxiety and that can possibly help.

I wouldn't discourage a young person from exploring a career at 19- it may be the one they end up with or not. I think she'd perceive this as lack of confidence in her. Even 19 year olds without BPD may not know exactly what they want to major in or their future career. They may enter college with one idea and change their minds as they take different classes. However, parents do have a financial stake in this and so an education plan can be arranged with her.

One idea is to have her meet with an admissions officer at a college she's considering to see the plan for an education major. They will map out what classes to take each semester. This is an external (not you) person telling her what she needs to do which may go over better than if it were you. This gives her a structured plan. Most college students of any major begin with the general classes, regardless of their major.

You can see how she does with the beginning classes in a college setting that is affordable (they are offered at 2 year and 4 year colleges)  and so not too big a loss if she doesn't pass the first time. It's not a complete road block- she can retake a class and also change majors early on.

One young person I know who has BPD tried a 4 year college but could not handle that. She had the intelligence- it was the emotional aspect. She then got certified as a medical assistant in a community college program and seems to handle that job. An advantage of the programs in a 2 year college is that they can be quicker paths to employment, and affordable and the student can transfer to a 4 year later if they wish to.

Thanks for all the info. At this point what's on the table is starting classes at the community college level for a semester or two to see how that goes. There's a pathway program to one of the 4 year colleges that accepted her so she's aware of the academic requirements. There have been a lot of things about her follow-through alone that factored into my decision to send her directly onto even a small/private college campus, and I worry a lot about her emotions getting her way socially. So if she starts on this educational path there isn't much financial risk for me and she has additional time to continue to work on her other issues. Her other option at this point as far as I'm concerned is going into cosmetology, and although I never would have thought that this would be something I'd be pushing for, at this point that's what I'd really see her try to do first. The truth is, she spends A LOT of time in front of the mirror practicing make-up tutorials etc. and she's really good at it. She could be doing pretty much the same thing for a year and then get an apprenticeship at a good salon thereafter and be making decent money within a couple years. Nothing would stop her from pursuing something else later, but she really just has to start doing "something".

I think that plan is perfect. It aligns with her interests. She'd be on top of all the latest styles and products which could be something she'd enjoy. I think community college is a good option for students to experience college level classes without the financial cost of 4 year college. Some students also do better in smaller colleges where there's more faculty support.

Students at her age tend to think the major or course of study they choose is what they will be working at for their whole careers. This kind of decision is daunting to them, but it's not true- let her know that people change careers, go back to school- at all ages. If she brings up other ideas, then say - in the future- this is something you can look into. Start with this one (cosmetology) and get certified. If you decide to do more college, you will still have good employment skills and a good employment record which will help you get other jobs too.

Hi again,

It seems to me that you've worked out a realistic plan for your daughter, with "optionality" built in, while ensuring she gets the ongoing support she needs, in terms of staying close to her support system, namely you and her therapist. 

Your daughter sounds a lot like my stepdaughter.  My stepdaughter is also into makeup, and she too spends a lot of time in front mirrors, almost obsessively so.  Though my stepdaughter never mentioned any interest in teaching, she did want to become a veterinarian, I think because she loved kittens and puppies.  However, when she started the coursework for the veterinary track, she quickly discovered that the academic requirements were too demanding for her.  Though I'd say that intellectually she could have done the work, emotionally she was a complete mess, and she couldn't muster the mental resources to focus and commit to studying consistently.  When she dropped out of her courses, she thought her dreams were dashed, and so too her entire life.  Clearly she was disappointed, but her BPD black-and-white thinking took over--she was a failure, her life was ruined, she couldn't do what she wanted, it was all her family's fault--and she spiraled into a pit of raging despair.   Looking back, I wish that she had started out with a more manageable course load, at a less competitive college, and much closer to home, so that she wasn't set up to fail.  (I'm just a stepmom, so I really had no say in her college choices, and if I had voiced my concerns, I would have been cast as a villain . . .)  You point out your daughter's difficulties with executive function, stress management and navigating social relationships, which are exactly the issues my stepdaughter really grappled with in early adulthood.  Pursuing a challenging degree with these significant limitations was basically setting her up to fail.

Like Notwendy, I think that trying out cosmetology sounds like a very interesting idea, as it plays into your daughter's interests and strengths.  I could envision a scenario where your daughter took a limited course load at a community college and attended therapy.  During summer vacation, she might try out working at a salon.  Now, salons can be tricky given interactions with other professionals and clients, but this could be a good test environment for your daughter.  Is she able to get herself to work consistently?  Can she take direction from a supervisor?  Can she co-exist with colleagues without a meltdown?  Can she keep her job for a whole month, or even longer?  Can she handle the daily stress of commutes and working all day?  Can she navigate a difficult customer interaction?  Can she overcome her anxiety about making mistakes or saying the wrong thing?
 Even if she complains about "toxic" co-workers, can she manage through it without blow-ups?  If she can, then I'd say that is an extremely good outcome.  She'd earn some money, gain some confidence(!) and have something to put on her resume.  In my opinion, at her age, any work experience at all is better than nothing, even if it is as simple as dog-walking.  Successful work at a salon might tell you that she's high functioning.  Furthermore, I think it helps bolster her identity, as identity seems to be very frail and tenuous for young ladies with BPD.  Instead of thinking, she's a failure, not good at anything and useless, she can start to think that she's a good worker, talented with makeup/hairstyles, attractive, acting like an adult and that she can overcome obstacles.

Look, the absolute worst for my BPD stepdaughter was when she was holed up in her room, sleeping all day, on screens all night, lashing out with anger, blaming others for her problems while doing nothing to move forward in life.  When you do nothing, you feel like nothing, and I think you even start to lose your sense of self.  So I guess what I'm saying is that if your daughter shows any interest in cosmetology, then working part-time in that field could really help her.  At the very least, she'd have a routine and a purpose.  She might even make some money, as well as some new friends.  In my opinion, making new friends (and keeping them) can be an early signal that your daughter is on the right track!  My mantra with BPD is, the direction of movement is more important than the speed.  Moving forward towards goals is infinitely better than being stuck in the past, ruminating over ancient grievances.  Does that ring any bells?

hey!  my pwBPD dropped out of college (working towards a teaching degree); she WAS a manager at a very popular restaurant & recently quit to work at a daycare; I find the whole thing odd, but....it tis what it is