BPDFamily.com

Subject: Looking for support — feeling overwhelmed, alone, and struggling with guilt

Post:
Hi, I’m a mom to a 25-year-old daughter who has BPD and is in recovery from substance use. She has intense mood swings and behaviors that can be really painful and confusing. Some days she seems like a completely different person, and her anger and impulsiveness often leave me feeling scared and exhausted.

She often uses insults and harsh words toward me, and while I understand this is part of her illness, it still hurts deeply. Sometimes I find it hard to separate her words from who she really is, and it shakes my confidence and self-worth. I want to support her, but it’s difficult not to feel wounded and worn down.

I carry a lot of shame and guilt as a mother. I question if I did enough or if I could have done things differently to prevent this. I feel like I’m failing because I can’t fix her or make the pain go away, and that weighs heavily on me every day.

Most of the family has distanced themselves, and I’m often the only one she reaches out to, which makes me feel very alone in this. I’m hoping to find others who understand this complex mix of love, pain, shame, and fear — and maybe some guidance on how to survive without losing myself. Thank you for listening

Hi there,
Please don't blame yourself for your daughter's bpd. Does she live with you?  Does she accept her diagnosis?

Dear HopeRises,

You are not alone! You did nothing to cause your child's BPD, and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to heal it. All you can do is to take care of yourself, remain calm and understanding, do not enable, and distance yourself from your loved one with BPD if you have to, to preserve your sanity.

All of us on this website look back with guilt to see or try to understand if there is something we could or should have done to prevent this terrible illness. Unfortunately, there is nothing. We grieve when looking through photos of our children when they were little, wishing and hoping for a different future for them. That grief just never ends. However, you should not carry any shame. You did not cause this, and you cannot cure it, and unfortunately, everything that happens to your daughter from now on will happen based on her own will to survive and thrive. Yes, you can be a support, but only through support, rather than enabling. This is something I tell myself every day with my 22-year-old DD with BPD. If I give in to her demands and tantrums for money, security, etc., then I am not helping but hurting her. It's a tough road to navigate, but one we all face.

You clearly stated how you feel alone on this journey. It's so true - we all have close friends and family, yet no one can understand this lonely path unless they have traveled it themselves. When my daughter was younger, I never told anyone her story, believing that it was her story to tell. Once I realized that this was my life and I couldn't change it, and I wouldn't be ashamed of her for who she was (she didn't design this life), I shared my story, and in that sharing, I found peace. Don't get me wrong, even though I shared, and people somewhat understood, they still couldn't fully understand the daily walk we as parents take.

Good luck, sweet friend, with this journey with your daughter. The things that I've found that help are to a) block my daughter if she is being extremely toxic on the phone, b) refuse to let her "stop over" on demand, and c) give her a timeline for a cut-off of financial funds. I also try very hard to follow this website's unofficial "rule" to not JADE-justify, argue, defend, or explain.