BPDFamily.com

Hey ya'll... .
So its been a very rough 3 months.  My wife went into rehab for drugs in October 2016, which I paid for.  When she came out she was very involved in AA and ended up cheating on my with one of the guys from her program.  I tried to re-connect and reconcile our differences but she remained distant.  It was torture.  I lost 20lbs trying to figure her out, obsessing about what she was doing and who with.  It was brutal.  Still is.  I finally got to my breaking point and initiated a divorce mediation.  Since then she has said she made a big mistake and that we should consider staying together for our child.  I dont think I can ever trust her again and my family/friends are pretty angry with the situation.
So coming across this site and others, I see that our 10 relationship perfectly fits the BPD process.  Several years ago (pre-child) she went into rehab and cheated on my with another person.  We reconciled but the spark never really came back on her end.

We are still in the same apartment and splitting taking care of our awesome 2 year old boy.  Trying to figure out how best to move through the process and make sure our son grows up in a happy, healthy family environment.
Whenever we talk, I get stuck thinking that we should consider trying to make it work out but after a bit of personal time, I realize how impossible that is based on zero trust.

Re-connecting with her is SO seductive but really it will probably just make me miserable.

How do I stick to my guns and just keep pushing through this breakup?  How do I hold onto the vision of a happy future for me and my son?

WestsideZ,

I am very sorry you are going through all of this.  It is very hard the people here are / have been in the same place. 

My 2 cents is to have a few trusted people to talk with. They can keep you grounded and can help focus things in.  It can give you a point of reference.    I also would say is find a therapist who you can talk through this stuff also.  I have found a lot of strength in going to Alanon meetings and reading books that can help me. My first book was Codependency no More.   Lastly keep sharing your story here on the site.  There are many wise people that will chime in. 

Historically, infidelity has always been basis to end a marriage or relationship.  From what you wrote, this is the second time this has happened.  So you should not let yourself be guilted to stay since her promises to change are at high risk to fail again sometime in the future.  You have the right to forgive and stay, as well as an equal right to say "enough, no more".  Your choice.  She can't make you stay in the marriage just as you can't make her stay.  And the domestic courts are not there to mend marriages, they deal with people as they are, they're structured to unwind the legal issues of the relationship — custody and parenting first, then possible support, then finances regarding assets and debts.

Frankly, unless she gets an experienced and perceptive therapist, gets effective therapy and applies it diligently in her life going forward, then she won't improve.  If she doesn't get past the Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, and work hard to overcome her sabotaging tendencies and skewed perceptions, then the past will be a good predictor of the future.  More than ever, actions and follow through mean far more than words and promises.

• Is she a controlling spouse, demanding compliance or else?
  (Then you may have a real struggle on your hands, it's hard to break that desperation to dictate and control.)
• Has she threatened to make allegations of DV or child abuse?
  (If it has been contemplated or threatened then it will happen, given enough time.)
• What concerns her most — her connection to her child or her adult relationships/affairs?
  (This is an indicator how bad the conflict may be.)

In many cases here, mediation early in the separation or divorce is not successful, the sense of entitlement is just too strong.  If it works, great, but don't depend on it.  Settlements are more likely to occur just before major hearing or a trial, often several months or a year or more down the road.  My settlement was near the end of my 2 year divorce, just minutes before our full-day trial was to begin.  Besides her predictable relentless obstruction, she wanted delays because the temp order was all in her favor.