BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am new here but to get to the point, my partner has me convinced I am not doing enough to improve or 'change'. 

In my experience arguing, defending or even speaking my own mind evokes an irrational, abuse filled tirade. 

In my defense I am Retired after 21 years in the Army.  I deployed and have been diagnosed with TBI and PTSD.  I quit drinking over 7 years ago to become a better person and get ahold of my mental health.  I still go to therapy every week.

I am a father.  My son is 15 and Autistic.  His mother and I co-parent well.  He and my partner get along quite well, yet she complains im not doing enough.

Im very confused and not sure what I need to do to support her.

Im not mean, or abusive.  Im Attentive, mostly present and respectful.  I do interrupt but less so recently.  I am loud at times.  I have learned I am prone to dominating conversations.  This is always being addressed and I am always striving to improve.

I am not sure what to do.  There is more to say.  Im exhausted.

Hi DISNEYDadMan,

Although I'm from a very different background than you, one thing we have in common: our partners complain we're not trying hard to improve ourselves. I've got a lot of bad character traits. I've got a hot temper and I'm very impatient. Let's just say if I were to improve by 50%, I'll still be a long way off from what people call a patient person. But I've tried. And there were things that would tick me off in the past that I now try to control myself. Of course, my uBDPh has never acknowledged it. If I were to mention it, he would probably mock me and say do I expect to be praised now. And if I argue then of course it would prove his point that I'm not trying to improve myself because "a person who feel they're not good enough will not argue against it". Damned if you do and damned if you don't, eh. And when I lose my temper, my actions would prove that he's right all along- I don't try hard, I don't want to change, because "you keep on saying you'll try to improve but you never do". But he expects a lot of acknowledgement from my side. If I don't acknowledge or praise him, then he says I'm unappreciative. Like I'm supposed to only see his good, but he can only see my bad. Like when our kids do something bad, he would say it's because I set a poor example for them. But I guess that's a BPD trait too.

While I'd love the acknowledgement and the reassurance that somebody sees me working on myself, I don't expect I'll ever get it. It sounds like you are working hard to improve yourself. Way to go and good for you! By being emotionally stronger, I'm guessing you'll have a more strong sense of who you are, and you may feel less disappointed about the stuff your partner accuses you of. Just remember, it's not how they feel all the time. They swing from one extreme to the other. They have strong words that mirror how they're feeling at the moment. Try not to take those words to heart too much, or replay them in your head- it'll eat you up. Take a rest when you need- you're doing great already!!