BPDFamily.com

My husband of 7 years had BDP. He is the BEST dad, stepdad, provider, and all my family has always loved him. He supports my relationships with friends and family and is my best friend.

The problem is-he has moments of jealousy and/OR is over defensive if I approach with anything. At these moments, he calls me names and acts irrationally. He is remorseful and DOES seek counseling and has improved greatly, BUT these "verbally abusive moments" still happen every 6 months or so.

I love him and truly feel that we have a real, authentic, loving, and fun relationship, and we have created a great family dynamic as step-parents to one another's kids. My kids LOVE him and his kids

My best friend thinks I am an abused woman and should NEVER tolerate ANY verbal abuse and should leave him.

AM I wrong to tolerate this? Does staying with him mean I am broken and I have
 Typical abuse victim mentality? It is confusing when things can be SO great the majority of time but friends think I should leave him

On this board, we don't tell posters to leave or to stay.  It's important that each person decides this for themselves. The decision involves their own personal growth.

BPD is on a spectrum and so, there the situation can be different for everyone. In some situations, the behavior is more extreme than others. One option if the situation is not extreme is to do some personal work with the goal of improving it and then reassess.

The first consideration is safety. Verbal abuse is still abuse- and it can escalate to physical but also, if the situation is not imminently dangerous, a first step is to get individual counseling- for yourself. The main consideration is your physical safety and if you are safe- work with a counselor who can guide you to examine your role in this dynamic. We can not change another person, but we can change our own behavior.

I observed my parents' marriage with a severely affected BPD mother. There are some differences in your situation. My BPD mother did not show self awareness of her own behavior, or act remorseful, and she did not have the motivation to work with a counselor. Her verbal and emotional abuse involved all immediate family members.

There are positives in your situation. Your H is self aware and shows remorse, is willing to do counseling. He is good with the kids. The "episodes" are not frequent. (my BPD mother's episodes were). Still, there's enough of this that you are concerned. IMHO, the best resource for you is a professional- not friends. Friends are going to "take your side" when you vent to them. This may make you feel better in the moment but it's not going to lead to your own self examination and growth and have you gain tools to help you manage this situation.

If you and the kids are not in danger, and you feel this is a mostly good situation- then you doing individual work with a counselor may have some positive outcomes. One could be that the situation becomes more workable and manageable for both you and your H as a couple. It may not be perfect- BPD does impact him, but he also seems to be self aware and willing to do his own work with counseling and that is a positive.

You are the other half of this dynamic and have your own emotional work to do. You can gain skills that would help you in either situation- whether you stay or leave as you will still both be co-parents and need to communicate. Also, a counselor is objective.  Friends mean well but they are not objective. This is your family and relationship to decide on and only you can make this decision.