BPDFamily.com

 Hey, it's been 10 years since I separated from my "highly functional" bpd. I am still angry at her and at myself for letting myself get taken advantage of for so many years. She filed an order of protection once we settled everything out of court. The effect of which was to make it almost impossible for me to speak the truth, to reach out to friends and to be open about my experience and who I am.  It's funny how I recently realized  that it shut me up, made me repress my anger, and also made it hard for me to move on emotionally, trust others and look for what I need in a relationship. I guess I still need to look at the factors that let to my low self esteem, and willingness to be in that kind of relationship in the first place. I just looked at my old copy of the "Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook", and it's funny how I mostly seemed to have stopped reading it closely and working with it at Chapter 7 "Treasuring Yourself: Owning Your own Reality." 10 years later, I think I will look it over now. 

I get feeling echoes of a previous relationship even years later, especially if it was traumatic. We can feel that when an old familiar song comes on or we get on an elevator and someone is wearing the same perfume our ex wore. Memories come flooding back, and we have no control over those nor the emotions they evoke.

But we do have control over our reactions, and I'd say being angry after a decade seems rather extreme. It's something you might want to discuss with a therapist, as it suggests rather than healing and moving on, you may be stuck in the same place. Ten years is a significant portion of our lives. Anger is an emotion. We don't really control our emotions, but we can learn to channel them into more positive actions. That's where a therapist might come in.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) might have something to do with low self esteem. It might have nothing to do with it, too. Someone with BPD (etc.) may be highly skilled at targeting someone they're interested in and know either by intellect or by instinct what buttons to push. If they're highly intelligent and a consummate liar and manipulator, the combination could best even the strongest and smartest among us. Think of how many famous people we know who were in relationships with people with deep mental or emotional problems.

The thing is to learn from such a relationship but not let it define our world view or how we interact with that world. Very few people are criminals in a society, yet if we get mugged by one, we may begin to think the whole world is criminal. It's not. The same goes for people with BPD (etc.). They are a sliver of people, but even a sliver can be a lot in a nation of hundreds of millions. We could be cautious in the future but not assume everyone is like that. That would not only be unrealistic, it would be unfair.

So, were I you, I wouldn't be angry with myself nor would I assume the world is a worse place than it is. I might discuss things with a therapist because 10 years is a long time to hold on to such issues. The goal is to make ourselves better. We don't have control over whose paths cross with ours. But we do have control over what we do afterward. Good luck.

Hi there and welcome to the boards.

It's an interesting observation that you stopped reading the book at that chapter... it makes sense that you felt unable to express yourself freely in that time if there was a protection order in place. It can feel easier and safer to just push some things down, but then when they come back to bite, even all these years later, it's a reminder that there are some important truths that were left unsaid or unexamined on your side.

I remember a counsellor on a DV helpline I spoke to once saying that she often gets calls from people who exited their relationship decades ago. So you're not alone in holding onto some emotions from something that affected you so deeply.

You mention that you're angry at yourself and her for how long you let it go on for. How long were you in the relationship?

Would you be comfortable talking a little bit more about what happened?

I'm just curious- why are you still angry at her?  And why at yourself?

I realize how chaotic these breakups are; I was married for 23 years and separated for almost 3 years now.  And I remember that lingering anger all too well.  It ate at me until I finally decided to let it all go.

Think about it.  You're still angry.  She's probably living her best life...until it all falls apart...then she lives her best life all over again.  Why allow her actions that stemmed from mental health affect you all these years later?

I believe that you were taken advantage of, I was as well in basically every possible way.  But you know what- I did that, I accepted that as my reality and let my ex do all sorts of unhealthy things.  It was just as much my fault as it was hers, because after all...I did stay for 23 years.

Today, I no longer hate her or hold the past against her.  Why?  Because if I did, it would affect my present and my future.  I just won't give her that much power in my mind, it's senseless to remain imprisoned by it.  Letting go of all that ugliness is the best choice I ever made in life.