BPDFamily.com

I am so lost and alone. Not only will my bpdw not offer affection or emotional support but of course she twists it around so that she’s the one that isn’t getting support and I’m the selfish and self-centred one. Ok so her grandad is on his death bed too, I don’t know if she’s going to see him he is far away. But she did not allow me to go and see my Dad till it was too late, insisting she needed me here with the kids. I said, ok, I know she had been very sick recently. But last Weds I was about to go to work. And she said hey how about you take the day off, build our swimming pool, do some housework and then go see your dad? I was overjoyed at the possibility, even though I’d rather just go. I did the work she wanted. She could tell I was desperate to get going. So then she bullied me into not going. I missed a day of work and now owe my students refunded money I don’t have. The following day I went to work in my other job. The agreement was her dad was coming to help though he couldn’t help with bed times. So I worked 10 hours, drove home for kids bed time, learnt from my mum that dad already passed. Drove 4.5 hours to see him anyway. Got there 2am. Bed at 3am. Left at 1.20pm the following day to get back for bed time. Got back after about 6 hours. I’ve just been working and looking after our kids and the house. I can’t talk about dad anyway cos her dad can’t cope with any talk of death or whatever. I had to go out tonight to cry. My wife is being so cruel to me. I know this is codependency, I don’t have the strength to make it sound any other way right now. I am so broken and alone. I can’t talk to my mum or my brother, it’s all my fault they know it. I have wonderful friends at work but I work in day care and my wife rings for the duration of my breaks and the rest of the time we’re busy with the kids. I managed to not cry for about a week but now I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do.

I am sorry for your loss TP. My father's passing was very difficult for me. Grief takes its own course. I don't think there's anything to do- I don't think we can control it. It's OK to cry, even at unexpected times or places. It's a lot to go through.

TP, I am so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling so alone in this time of great need.  I believe that your wife has not previously "allowed" you to see a therapist, in fear that you would be "letting out her secretes", but would you be able to use this as a way to justify your need of seeing a therapist...by telling your wife its not for immediate family issues, but for help dealing with the grief from your loss?  Even when you have a support system, grief is extremely hard, so it is understandable that things are just unbearable right now with your circumstances.  My only other advise it to hold close to your babies, at least that's what I do when things are rough, I throw myself into my kids in hopes that time will pass and my head will be a little clearer so that I can then put one foot in front of the other to get through my day.