BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, after years of no contact with my ex we started talking over the fall. Very infrequently, she doesn't really send me more than a few texts at a time and eventually disappears, sometimes for days, sometimes weeks, even months. She says she misses me, regrets losing me, misses the days we were together. She tells me she was arrested, dated a guy for 6 months who locked her in a room and beat her, she was living with some random lady, then disappeared for months and told me she was living with an aunt. I don't believe she has an aunt with the name she gave, she insists she has no phone which is why she can't talk often. The pattern of her popping in and out of my life is causing me immense hurt and confusion. I really want to see her and talk again, I asked her once a few months ago to hang out, but she simply ignored it and said something completely unrelated, and then disappeared. After months of not talking she told me she was in my town and thinking of me a week ago but had no phone. We've been talking and I told her I wanna see her, she told me I should come visit her in her city. We talked more and I said I was surprised, I thought she hated me and wanted me dead, the last thing she said to me years ago was she doesn't miss me at all and to kill myself. I don't think that was a smart thing to say, she left me on read. A day later I apologized and told her I didn't mean to paint her a villain. No response, I started to get anxious assuming she was gonna disappear again, and it hurt more this time because we had been talking a lot more and she seemed to miss me, even invited me to visit before leaving me on read. Yesterday I thought she had blocked me because I couldn't see her in my messenger, I guess it was a glitch because I saw her profile again after a few minutes, but it was too late... I lashed out and told her it was crazy that she blocked me, the way she treats me makes me sick, and I envied her lack of feelings. I immediately felt terrible, I never act like that and I don't know what prompted me to be so reactive. After that I just sent a final apology, I told her I'm gonna leave her alone, but I was sorry. I told her I have a hard time trusting her, and I guess all the hurt feelings I thought I had buried were still there. That she didn't deserve to deal with that and while I wish things were different, it's complicated and I'm confused. I feel like a complete idiot, I realize that sounds like I'm pushing her away which wasn't my goal. I worry my words will cause her to split on me. Is there anything I can do to remedy this, she hasn't answered, she hasn't even been active in two days. I find it so hard to believe she disappears so much, has no phone, and actually misses me. She's had both drug and legal problems earlier this year, so maybe that explains it. What can I do to make it better, I'm feeling really rotten about what I said, and the worst part is I lashed out over an issue that I completely made up in my head and feel like a fool. The constant appearing then disappearing has just taken a toll and I guess that is really why I lashed out.