BPDFamily.com

Traumatic family experiences with an uBPD sibling are the gift that keep on giving, I guess. In my case, my family of origin has not acknowledged her likely struggles with BPD- they've rationalized and accepted her behavior as normal.

I've found that the more you heal in this kind of situation, the weaker your ties are to your family of origin. It's just a natural outcome from your healing. BUT, the more free you are to develop healthy relationships beyond your FOO. I've realized something about myself. I really struggle with women who present in their personal and professional relationships as needing to be taken care of and/or protected. People who are situated within their relationships as "princesses" whose every need should be considered above everyone else's as well as people whom others seem to instinctively defend/bolster/lift up, even when they don't deserve this consideration. It's a pattern I've noticed and I think I understand why I have always reacted this way to this kind of woman: my uBPD sister.

My whole childhood was about making sure my uBPD sister was okay. She was always to be protected, defended, supported, put on a pedestal, treated with kit gloves. Whether she was right or wrong, whether what she said or did made sense or not, I watched as she said things that were wholly inconsistent with reality, did things that were logically questionable, offered extreme and skewed interpretations of events, developed arch enemies in every work context she had - resulting in flitting between jobs and careers, made grandiose and unbelievable claims about her own importance, destroyed many of her own relationships, attempted to pit others' against their own friends and loved ones - and their loved ones against them, showed a complete inability to understand or express emotion. I grew up watching those closest to us rationalize, justify, excuse, and ultimately, support and even elevate her perspective without question even as it absolutely needed to be questioned for her own good and for the good of those in her life. When people outside the family would challenge her, which was inevitable, she was held up as a victim in need of defense. And I, in particular, was expected to defend her. And I did.  All of this was normal to me.

Looking back, my friends all knew it was weird. I was fiercely supportive of her no matter her situation and/or her fault in her situation - even letting her move in with me and two of my closest friends when she couldn't get along with her roommate, despite their objections. And I got angry with them for not just understanding and accepting that this is what I had to do. I couldn't imagine not supporting her. I was raised to do it. No matter what. I don't honestly know how/why they were able to overlook that and maintain such close friendships with me. They saw her for who she was, and now, talking with them retroactively, I can see how their view was accurate. They now share with me how they watched me defend and support her despite the risk to myself and my own friendships and how hard that was for them. They stuck with me through it, though, always wary and clear with me about what they thought, but still supportive of me - and that is a major credit to them. I was lucky to have them.

But now that I see her for what/who she is more clearly and I've watched our "relationship", such that it was, crumble under the weight of my healing, I am recognizing in myself a lack of tolerance for anyone who seems to thrive in relationships where they are treated as if they can do no wrong and/or as if they require others to defend them. I simply don't trust it. And honestly, that's not fair. These people are good people who aren't anything like my sister. It's not surprising that I am repelled by these kinds of folks, but I recognize the need to separate them from my experiences with my sister. It's all part of my healing - realizing how these early family experiences shape how I relate to people now, and trying to adapt in ways that keep my trauma response in check to continue building healthy relationships moving forward.

Anyway, just some thoughts on my experiences as I reflect on healing from these experiences I've only acknowledged as traumatic in the last couple of years. Thankful to this group - your willingness to share your experiences have really helped me make sense of my own - an important part of my healing journey!

I identify so much with what you have written here. My sister has NPD with strong BPD traits. My sister is a golden child of both the FOO and large extended family. I am one of many generations of scapegoats. Like you, the more I have distanced myself from my sister and the flying monkeys who enable her, the more estranged I have become from the family, and the more able I am to have healthier relationships with others.

Thank you so much for your response and my apologies for the long delay in replying! This has been such a struggle. I was always the "strong" one who was able to do things the "right" way. She was always the one who needed "protection" and  who couldn't get along with others. She was always itching for a fight and had "enemies" everywhere she went. You'd think in that situation that I would be the golden child - but that's just not how it worked in my family. I still struggle to understand why. But, it was always my responsibility to make sure she was "okay" and everyone in the family took on a protective role. She is an expert at playing the victim. She moves expertly between helpless victim to ferocious advocate. It's been an incredibly painful process to separate from her and others in the family and to establish/maintain healthy boundaries. Initially, it felt like I was betraying my family and I admit, sometimes still does. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that she wasn't able to really hurt me, she was just a nuisance that I could shrug off. And for a long time, it felt like that was true.

But over the years, as she surrounded herself with people who enable her realized just how good she is at manipulating things. She is so good at looking at a situation, finding a kernel of truth, and building the whole narrative around that little seed of truth into a story that positions her always at the center (whether it is her story or not) and the story arch always begins with her as the victim of some horrible injustice and then as the triumphant moral hero. Early in life it was just minor things, and I would always challenge her when the narrative just didn't make sense or line up with the facts and with logic. She would always cut me out when that would happen. As we got older and had our own families, this tendency became more of a problem and had bigger consequences for others, including me. She has surrounded herself with folks that will not challenge her and/or who benefit from her "stretched" truths. She takes tragedies of loved ones and puts herself at the center of them - always as first a victim and then a hero.

I had already established strong boundaries with her and have had to stand firm in those despite painful responses from her and from my family. In the last year, she concocted a situation in which I had to enforce these boundaries publicly - it was incredibly painful and difficult. But I did it, and I don't think she expected me to stand firm. I'm glad I was able to do it and feel a relief that I'm through that - but there are still times I feel guilty, particularly when she weaves the victim-hero story so well.  

Anyway, thanks for your response, and sorry for both your experiences and for my delay in responding to you! Take care!

I can relate to this, as my BPD mother was a princess- queen- type, whose needs took priority in the family. The family focus was to be sure BPD mother was OK.

I also saw this with her family of origin. Her brother had this perspective with her. He also felt he had to be sure she was OK. He was always saying complimentary things about her. If he was aware of her issues, he didn't let on that he was.

He married an emotionally strong and independent woman. I think they have a good marriage and seem to get along together. They are good companions to each other and are mutually supportive. This stood out to me in contrast to my parent's marriage where Dad seemed to have to take care of BPD mother.

While both of them were empathetic and supportive to my BPD mother- she saw my mother with clarity and didn't share her husband's perspective.

It's understandable that a man would not be attracted to someone who reminded them of his sister. For me, with friendships- I also have an emotional reaction to women who are similar to my mother.  If they are in my circle, I prefer to keep them at an aquaintance level.

Thanks for sharing this! It sounds so much like what I've experienced when I think back objectively. I was in a family system that expected me to take care of her and "back" her. When I moved away and began to see things more clearly, I started challenging her version of things - and our relationship went south.

My uBPD sister has always cut ties with anyone who disagrees or challenges her way of seeing things - that is a lifelong pattern. She married a really nice man who is her biggest enabler. He is supportive in that he will not challenge her and will stand by her version of reality. Of course, this has caused her and her family so much pain and difficulty through the years. It's been difficult to watch her family struggle, knowing that my attempts to intervene and get her some help have been and will continue to be rejected. As I've gone through the healing process, this is what I call support - not enabling her but challenging her. I realize that's not good with a person with BPD, but it is absolutely good for me. For a long time, I thought humoring her was harmless - until it wasn't.

As we got older, I had moved out of town and established a life independent of the rest of my family. My marriage is as you described above with your mom's brother and his wife - mutually supportive. For a long time, my husband saw my sister accurately and I continued to make excuses for her and the rest of my family. Eventually, as I continued to experience healthy relationships, I began to see my sister's problems and my relationship with her and the rest of my family more clearly. My kids were very young and we had an experience where she flipped out on them when she was watching them for me (the one and only time I ever allowed it). Everything became crystal clear for me in that moment and I began to see her and her behavior in a whole new light. It was then that I realized that I had been enabling her along with the rest of my family. I saw all of the problems her kids were having and continued to have, all of the decisions I saw her make over the years that never made any sense, all of the broken relationships. And I realized that continuing to enable her and not challenging her skewed understanding of things was not supportive of her at all - it meant I was participating in things that I felt were harmful to her, to her family, to me, to my family. I decided several years ago that this was something I was no longer willing to do. So, I began calling her out more consistently - gently, but consistently. And the relationships went south immediately. And has continued to go south. Now, I have to come to terms with the idea that, even though I have tried to offer what I view as "healthy" support while everyone else continues to offer support through enabling her, I am viewed as unsupportive - a label that is really tough because my one primary role in my family had always been to "take care of her". It has been even more harsh in light of the fact that her problems are predictably getting worse and worse and are impacting her family in serious ways.

People who become enablers are often easily influenced by disordered people who demand to have things their way and their version of reality be the only acceptable reality. My sister is also married to a man who enablers her and refuses to stand up to her. Most husbands would have gotten a divorce if they were treated by their wife like my sister treats her husband. I realize that for my large extended family of enablers that they would have to face many painful hard truths about themselves if they were to abandon their roles as flying monkeys for the golden children and supporters of the ongoing abuse of the scapegoats. I have finally realized that my sister has worked her whole life to surround herself only with people who support her version of reality. I on the other hand, want to learn from other people, and don't want to be around people who enable any disordered behaviors on my part. I have a rich challenging life and I imagine you do too, something our disordered sisters will never have.

This is so important to remember - and so easy for me to lose sight of when I start feeling guilty about not "showing up" for her the way they tink I should.
I have built a healthy life outside this system, and the ones who actively maintain the system as it is are really struggling in their own right. And that does not give me any pleasure, but it also is not my problem to solve for them. Unless and until they recognize a need for change - that is, unless and until the system stops working for them in whatever way they need it to - they will never understand my viewpoint. And I just have to accept that.


Yes - once I saw this in my own sister, I started to wake up to why I was such a problem for her. She can't tolerate any challenges to her version of reality - and as she has gotten older and more and more insulated by enablers, it has gotten so much worse. And you're right - what I should do is be thankful for the fact that I've removed myself from that system and have built a rich life largely protected from her chaos and that those that are still in it are either getting something out of it or are too afraid to challenge it. I'm working on maintaining that mindset more consistently, and generally, I do think that way. But sometimes I do get lost in the desire to have someone finally call her out and see that others are finally seeing what I've seen for years - and that's when I know I am no longer looking at this from a healthy perspective.

I too wish the disordered people would finally get that my sister's behaviors are abusive and have some empathy for how much I have suffered. Not likely going to happen though I do think wishing people would behave better is normal even when we know they are unlikely to change because they have more in common with the disordered people they are enabling than with us.

Since this is my parents' generation- what happened later may interest you. MyBPD mother married my father who did enable her. It was the unspoken family rule to maintain that BPD mother is "normal" and even more so- appeal to her narcicistic traits. BPD mother had a well put together "persona". This is all her brother's family saw and they believed it. What went on at home with us was a different situation and it was kept secret.

As children, we were envious of my uncle's family. They were the example of "normal" I wished for. The parents got along, the family seemed to have fun and do fun things together. We felt like outsiders.  Ironically, later, my aunt and uncle told me they felt my parents had snubbed them by not inviting them over - but the real reason my BPD mother didn't was so they wouldn't see what was going on at home. The house was lovely- it was that BPD mother was dysregulated a lot of the time.

My father was my mother's main support- financially, emotionally, and so when they were in their elder years and he got ill and eventually passed- this changed the dynamics between them. BPD mother's behavior escalated. I attempted to help but realized the need for boundaries for my own self and family.

BPD mother saw people as being either "on her side" or "not her side" and she was angry at me. I don't know what she said to them about me but through prior communications, I realized they thought I was the one with the issues, not her. She told family members and some friends to not speak to me, and so they complied. I was shocked but realized that, they believed her and there was nothing I could do. I saw them on occasion, rarely, but was cordial and polite. Otherwise, we had no relationship.

After my father passed, BPD mother had little to do with me. I kept up a LC communication with her, mainly because, she was an elderly widow. None of her children lived close to her but I lived the closest and so felt I wanted to be kept informed of how she was doing. Since my father had planned well for their retirement, she had sufficient funds for her needs. I had concerns about her spending issues but my parents didn't allow me to assist with managing them for her and she kept her financial information secret from us kids.

BPD mother later revised her legal papers, making us kids as power of attorney but she still kept her personal and financial information secret from us.

BPD mother's brother's family became my mother's family. They had her over for holidays and spent time with her. She kept up her persona - but eventually, they saw through it. I suspect she must have disregulated. They contacted me and apologized and wanted to have a relationship with us adult kids. They also realized that we were alone in dealing with our BPD mother in her elder years and offered to be of assistance if we needed them.

Later, we did inform them of a situation with BPD mother. She had spent all the savings Dad left her, then took out a home equity loan and didn't tell us, and we found out about it later. She needed assisted living but was refusing to go but she didn't have sufficient funds to remain in her home with the amount of help she needed. Her brother's family helped me to move her out of her home and into assisted living, and to sell the house as she needed the remaining equity funds for her AL costs.

My uncle is younger than my mother and in better health, but both of them were in their elder years, and so visiting her was an effort for him, as well as a risk as there were some Covid break outs in the AL. It was interesting to see the dynamics between him and his wife. He would call me and say he felt obligated to go visit her. I would assure him that he had to look out for his own health and not risk an exposure. I could hear his wife in the background affirming that. He still felt the pull of obligation to her. His wife was more objective. Still, she was his sister, and no matter what her behavior, he did care for her and I could see he also struggled with doing that and protecting his own well being.

BPD mother passed away a few months ago. I know he was very sad about this. He has a caring extended family who were of emotional support to him at this time.