BPDFamily.com

Not sure why it's hard to make a post, but it has been. I've been stressed and unhappy in my marriage recently. Pfft, who am I kidding? We've been married 11 years, two kids, wife was diagnosed with BPD right after the youngest was born four years ago, but of course the symptoms have *always* been there.

She's been angry all the time recently. At me. At the children, the world. I can watch the kids all day on my day off so she can get a break, but it doesn't make a difference; she's back to yelling and insulting within two minutes of us getting back together. I see so many people on here say their BPD wife is a good mother but a bad spouse, and honestly, I'm envious because we all get the bad stuff.

My 7-year-old son told me his number one wish is to have a mom who is not so angry.

I was on this forum three years ago deciding if I should stay or go, and ultimately made the decision to stay as I felt it would be best for the kids. She did DBT twice, and it was helpful, but now she's not practicing the skills anymore, even though we still have her workbook (I've been reading it, it's great). Yes, I've talked to her about it.

I don't know what I'm asking, I should probably be on the other forum, I'm just venting or prepping to make a real post, I guess. Divorcing doesn't seem like an option right now, but it could be in a few more years.

After her diagnosis, I read SWOE and made some posts here. I got some great advice to not buy a house or have any more kids, and have done that, but I'm now 33 and honestly want to have more kids and want to buy a house, but I'm not sure I want to do it with her. So yeah, conflicted.

I've been here for nearly two decades (!) and I can assure you that it is newcomers recently arrived who imagine their spouses are both good parents and bad spouses.  They quickly get educated and learn that impression is a downside of the disorder.  They're not good parents if they can't be reasonably normal spouses.  (The walls have ears, as the saying goes.  The kids know.)


There's something about having a child that makes the disordered perceptions and behaviors worse.  Maybe it's that the obligation to the relationship becomes stronger?  Maybe the triggers multiply and become more evident?  Both and more?

BPD "FOG" = Fear, Obligation, Guilt


Having more children won't make life for your spouse or with your spouse any better.

Buying a house will make a future decision to cut your losses that much more difficult and complicated.

Though I'm a strong advocate for marriage, I'm even more so for a reasonably healthy and functional marriage.  If not for one's self, then for the example being set for the children.

Get as much information as you can about what life would be like if you divorce and if you don't. 

I think it's reasonable to assume things will at least be as bad as they are now if you remain married, and could only get worse; they will not get better on their own. 

I recall discussions here about BPD possibly lessening over time, as people get less emotional over time, or at least the emotional fluctuations get less severe.  I don't know if that's true.  There are plenty of stories here from older posters (post age 60 or so) of these problems continuing into old age, and then facing added complications of having to cope with health problems related to aging, on top of the BPD.  So "toughing it out" in hopes of improvement over time is a bad bet. 

It might be helpful to pay a local attorney for an hour consultation to understand how things would go if you do divorce, in terms of custody, child support, alimony, etc.  Of course, things could get nasty and divorce is never pleasant,  but at least then you'd be able to weigh your options better. 

Do not fall for any "free consultation"... you get what you pay for, and legal advice is no different.  If you find the attorney you're meeting with is pushing you to file, get an opinion from another. 

I've always wondered about that hearsay that the disorder lessens over time is because eventually the children are grown and gone.  My marriage failed, or at least much sooner, because we had a child.  Her biggest childhood trauma was with her stepfather and so when we had a child I morphed in her perceptions from husband to father.

My husband and I have been married 20 years. I've been on this forum almost 20 years. His ex-wife is uBPD/NPD. Although she is no longer involved in heart constant and blatant infidelities (with her current partner, as she was when married to my now-husband), her issues have progressively gotten worse. She imagines her partner's infidelity, that he sneaks out at night to see other women. She has nailed all windows shut, installed cameras throughout the house, inside and out, and installed an inside deadbolt lock on their bedroom door that she locks each night and wears the key on a chain I around her neck.

The children know how disturbed she is, but they each carry damage from childhood. None of the three have ever sustained a healthy relationship.

If there isn't an impetus or motivation on the uber's part to pursue mental health, the long haul looks dim.

Thank you all for your helpful posts. It means a lot to me to be able to come here and drop my thoughts, however ill- or well-formed they may be. You all provide an excellent forum of listening ears and thoughtful replies.

I have seen she gets better if life gets easier, for example, if the children are in school all day and she can just hang out at home by herself--but I agree that's not the same thing as progress. We seem to be, as cliche as it sounds, on eggshells.

Though I would love to have more children than two, I remain committed to not having anymore with her. I completely agree that that could go very, very badly, and I'm certain it would lead to regret on my end (and anger on hers).

As much as we wish having more children could be a positive in a marriage, we also have to be aware that if the marriage does fail then having more children would make the divorce even more complicated and difficult.

For example, right now your youngest will soon start grade school.  If you had more children then there would be more years with babies, toddlers or preschoolers and you'd find it stressful to separate then.  At least now, your kids have school or daycare as a regular part of their lives and they'll not be considered quite so dependent on their mother as would small children.

I heard a similar thing, regarding a later relationship I was in. 

I found a book in my (now) ex's collection about forgiving childhood abuse, and there were some very telling passages highlighted by her in it.  First red flag, I suppose, but it was already too late to get out easily (we had just moved in together).

I later had a person tell me that sometimes when a woman goes through that, in adulthood she transfers that unresolved trauma to her new partner, after it gets serious and he becomes the "man of the house" so to speak or the father figure in her household.  He becomes another persecutor in her eyes, despite being completely innocent.  That seems insane to me, to be able to confuse such very different people in your life like that, but I understand unresolved abuse and trauma like that can be very debilitating. 

It's rough doing adulthood without a partner, or with someone so immature like that.