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... .probably the most depressing FRIENDS episode ever!

This is my third incarnation now on this forum. The first time I got out and was pulled back into a BPD relationship, the second time I left it for sure and this time I've split up with the one after the one with BPD.

It's been three years now since I left my ex with BPD it was a long and painful relationship that left be shattered and a shadow of my former self, a year after that I got into a new relationship, this girl didn't have BPD but a wealth of her own codependency issues but I shouldn't have got involved to begin with; I didn't find her attractive but was tired of being alone and without love. Bad mistake. Although there have been some good times I feel like it's been a lot of wasted time and now I'm back to feeling lonely.

I'm realising that my inability to cope with loneliness is what has led me to tolerating and seeking minor comfort in these two inappropriate romances - but realising it is only the start - I have no idea how to conquer this feeling, this unwhole, lonely feeling that leads me to enter into and stay too long in really bad relationship. I know for sure I deserve better than what I've been getting, I've been settling for people with major problems (not saying I don't have issues as clearly I do - but I'm not BPD). How can I get myself whole and stop this pain from feeling lonely? I don't want to enter another relationship accepting a person I do not find attractive or don't respect. Why do I struggle so much with this?

Any advise or books or YouTube channels really appreciated

I can totally relate to this FRIENDS episode, and while depressing i think you are actually on the right path.

The loneliness probably stems from deeper issues in our childhood, which got us somewhat disconnected from ourselves and our needs, and probably we even feel responsible for that loneliness, low self-worth, ... .(which isn't the case).

Yet in a peculiar way we actually are responsible today, cause our unconscious mind drives us again and again to look for relationships that mimic our primary attachments, seeking out partners that initially may be perfect to bond with but in the end will comfirm our loneliness once again.

So what is the solution here?

In my opinion, the answer lies in the early past, where we suffered loneliness as a child and are still caught in the very same loop as we once were. And that loop draws us towards people with much the same issues, who just tend to react to those in an opposite way.

I have question for you, one that i have been asking myself lately too:

Are you in some way at unease to really be in a relationship where all your needs are met, where you are truelly loved, and strange enough find that somewhat boring?

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

It's funny but I never identified myself as a lonely child, but my family moved us around 10 times before I hit 18 and I swapped schools many times, there was abuse toward myself and my mother in my family and all my siblings had grown up and left the house by the time I was 5, leaving me alone in that situation. I did spend a lot of time alone in my bedroom and a lot of time sat on the stairs listening to see if my father would lash out at my mother. Reading that back it sounds awful, but its strange that when asked I don't say or think that I had an unhappy or lonely childhood. So maybe it's time to face that, and face it in a way that helps me understand why I am always giving in relationships and do not give unto myself. I found a psychiatrist online recently called Ross Rosenburg, I'm sure he's well known on here especially for the Human Magnet syndrome, he classifies our side of the magnet as people with SLD "Self-Love deficit".

In a really easy and obvious example of this I would always compare my choice to that of a good friend I had who had absolutely zero time for my ex (BPD ex) - I know for sure, even if my ex was attractive in some way, my friends, my brothers, they all said they would avoid her like the plague, even though she was attractive, there is something in them that that respects themselves, their worth, enough to just say "no". I want to find that.

In answer to your question - When I have been a relationship with nice, strong, independent women who were still meeting my needs, yes, I got bored. What does that say? I guess it's not my ideal of what a relationship should look like, or I feel unease and uncomfortable with healthy relationships?

I have read that book a few weeks ago. It kind of made a lot of things very clear to me. Especially the comparison between the gifted child (who is able to adjust to the dysfunctional parents needs but sacrifices its own needs -> codependancy) and the rebelling child (who cannot mold itself towards that dysfunctional parent, therefor rebels and doesn't get its needs met yet on top suffers the retaliatory abuse -> deeper disorder)


And what made it boring? On my end it is double, i somehow missed that my deep loneliness was acknowledged and filled up, but on the other hand i also missed the struggle, the challenge. Funny enough, i found these healthy relationships too easy and that made me uncomfortable somehow.

Ironcalves, I like your questions.

In my situation, I exited my BPD relationship and did a massive amount of earnig about copdendency and BPD, and determined never to enter another one. Of course a beautiful woman came my way and I fell for her. I mean really beautiful :-) And she was so kind and supportive. Bingo I thought!

After 3 months, things started to confuse me. At 5 months she started getting really angry with me. Then she started projecting her issues onto me. I started to enforce my boundaries. She searched my phone when I was out, and started phoning all the female names to see if I was cheating on her, and we had a tumultuos breakup.

Devastation for me! After all the rational understanding of BPD and recovery, I had gotten myself back into a BPD relationship. I realised that there was something else still attracting me to this kind of person, and I went to a CoDA meeting. That was groundbreaking and I discovered that there a two things to heal. The head is by far the easiest, and the heart, which was completely foreign to me.  So I embarked on a journey to heal my heart. To feel again, and to employ my emotions in this recovery. CoDA and a group was brilliant for me, but we are all different, and there are many other sources of information on healing the heart. Tony Robbins' stuff, Louise Hay etc.

To answer your other qurestion, I honestly think I am healed of the addiction to chaos. I don't need drama to live. I'm looking for that stable relationship of love. I realise I have to be that first, for me to attract someone like that. And I am a work in progress. I have dated a healthier girl, but it was getting too intense and I slowed it right down. We are good friends and sms eachother every other day. Not sure where it will go, but for the first time ever, I am OK with whatever it is friendship or love. I dont know which yet, and I'm happy for time to tell