BPDFamily.com

I believe this is the first time I'm posting on this board and not the "wanting to continue/repair relationship board". I have reached the end of my rope.

My BPDh and I have only been married for a year, but together for about 5.5. 2025 has been quite challenging so far - losing my entire career path thanks to certain political realities in the US (and the accompanying money from that career) and launching a new business that will take some significant time and dedication to become profitable.

I've always known that this new career path would be difficult for my H, because it involves providing somatic coaching, trauma healing, and other modalities to both men and women, including during week-long retreats where he doesn't have access to me for the entire time. I've been wanting to launch retreats for years, and had been slowly introducing the concept to him, including the fact that I would be unavailable during the time (I believe this is a tactic suggested in Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist).

I also set my first retreat, which took place last week, as a litmus test for the future, as I've noticed a pattern. Any time we travel together, we fight. Any time we return home from traveling, the fights get exponentially worse, and his splits can last for up to a month. Any time I travel without him, when I come back, he finds ways to punish me for weeks.

Doing my first retreat was a joyous occasion - a true hallmark moment in my life, something of which I am so proud. And people loved it.

In the middle of it, he sent me a snarky text about how I have time to repost someone's story on Instagram but can't take more than 15 seconds to speak to him in a day. Maybe I should have let it go, but I was tired of walking on eggshells. I told him how a comment like that completely messes with my energy and mindset and makes it hard for me to focus on creating an unforgettable experience for others. I told him it made me nervous about coming home to him because of how he'd act.

Shocker (not): I've come home and he's given me the silent treatment for a week. Stopped calling me by my pet name or saying I love you. Hasn't asked me how the retreat went once... such a big moment in my life!

Made the mistake of telling him that he seems unhappy and that I hope he has a good time with some friends at dinner (I've been encouraging him to make friends, because he doesn't even have one close friend or family member beyond me). This opened up a text dump, with him telling me how egotistical I am and how I never care about him or his business, and how me saying that I won't be reading his barrage of hateful messages is me silencing his voice etc. etc. etc.

Maybe this doesn't seem so bad compared to what many of you have been through. In fact, it's not that bad compared to some of the experiences I've already had with him.

The difference is, maybe he was right to be fearful of me going on retreat without him... because guess what? I remembered what it was like to LAUGH. We never laugh. I remembered what it was like to be called a loving, caring person with a big heart instead of being told that I'm cold and unsupportive. I remembered what it felt like to feel positive about the world instead of being pulled down by the incredible weight of his never-ending negativity and venom.

I want to live like that - with joy, with hope, with laughter, with love. I no longer want to live like this.

But I am terrified to leave him. He is vengeful. He holds all of our collective assets in his business, which my name is not on. He holds my ability to legally reside and work in the country where we live. Since losing my career, we've still been charging many things to my credit cards (he doesn't have one), which he periodically makes payments on but are still saddled with a LOT of debt.

I feel so stupid for letting myself get so entangled with someone in these irresponsible financial and legal ways. But of course, love makes you trust people in ways you shouldn't.

Now, I'm trying to decide if I will actually have the courage to go through with this. Today he said to me that I will never again mention the words BPD to him, and he refuses to do any more therapy.

Do I slowly try to make my exit? Do I take a break and come back later, hoping that he will have calmed down and come back into his Dr. Jekyll space?

Any tips on how to keep him from doing something crazy like leaving me with all the debt and taking all the assets I paid for? We were married in the US but live in Indonesia, where US laws have no jurisdiction. It's a mess.

Let me make sure I have this right- you're the American in the relationship, right?  And you're living in Indonesia?  Also, are your event guests mainly Indonesian...or do folks travel from other countries?

I'm an American living in the Philippines with my Filipina wife, so I get that extra layer of complexity.  I could stay on a tourist visa if we ever split up, but I'd personally return to the US.  If you did separate, would you return to the states as well or would you want to stay abroad?

Before we talk about anything else, that takes some thinking about because you're talking about substantial life changes.  You're not protected under law that and leaving him means you're walking away from everything.  That's not necessarily horrible, mind you, if that's the path you have to take.  But you do have to think it out and make sure that's what's best for you.

And what about kids?  Do you guys have any?

Well, you found out.  He won't change for you.  That is a comment we often express here, the person with BPD (pwBPD) has to want and decide to get better.  You can't do it for him.

What will the future be?  No one knows whether he will improve or not.  But thus far it's not promising.  There is a truism also expressed here, the past is a predictor of the future.  Sadly, too, rather than improving, the conflict often worsens over time.

Together for five years and married for one year.  If you haven't seen improvement thus far, then it's looking unlikely.  Sorry.  Sound like you're ready to shift your priorities?

Yes, I'm the American living in Indonesia (hi! I think you replied to my very first post here, where I talked about that). My guests are mainly international.

With the cost of living and my career as an aid worker no longer existing, plus a very small family back in the US, I can't really afford to move back/don't really have the desire. I've lived overseas for more than a decade at this point in various countries. It wouldn't be the worst thing to have to leave, although losing everything would obviously be quite hard on top of what's already been a hard... decade? (I lost my mom to ALS back in 2016 and was her primary caretaker - which is how I found out about the benefits of these online fora).

We don't have kids. I just turned 40, and that's been another big gut punch. We have been talking about having kids over the past 5 years but having a certain level of emotional (and financial) stability is a requirement for me to want to bring another human into this world (my early years were populated with screaming parents). He's been putting a lot of pressure on me to have a baby - and I think that's another reason why he's been angrier lately. Because of my obvious trepidation about it. But I also know that having one would make it that much more complicated, stressful, and difficult to leave.

Sigh.

Thank you for reminding me what I wrote only a couple months ago. And for the hard truth that the conflict often worsens over time, while improvement stagnates.

I'm currently alternating between anger and tears. It does feel like it might finally be time.

Pondering the legal aspects...

Probably good to determine whether the country you're in treats divorce equitably for you as a spouse with reduced financial assets.  Some jurisdictions or states may award you a better financial outcome even if the marital assets are in your spouse's name.  It may not make a difference to you right now, but in the future you might look back and wish you'd taken a closer look at the alternatives.

Unfortunately, where we live, bribery is alive and well in the legal system and the culture still doesn't value men and women equally.

We were supposed to draw up an agreement saying that everything we own is split 50/50, but I never signed it.

The one blessing is that we live in a very small community where word travels fast, and his reputation is VERY important to him. His culture is also very prideful, so I believe he would want to appear to be being fair.

Now I just need to think about how to keep this relatively calm and civil, because he also is very big on revenge.