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My wife's tantrum yesterday scared the hell out of me and I'm leaning toward divorce. She is resisting DBT and not accepting the full responsibility for her behavior, and that's just too far from anything I can sustain for years longer. I'm just don't have the emotional stability to handle spirals that big and dysregulated. I'm also scared of her getting pregnant, since I've seen in this forum how much more complicated things get with kids in the picture.

How did you all go about finally doing it? I'm terrified of her reaction now, and she has completely isolated herself here. She's from another country, where her friends and family are, and she has only made one fairly casual friend here who I wouldn't imagine is someone to step in to help. I'm worried she might hurt herself, or do something else drastic. She hasn't ever threatened anything like that before, but she was so out of control yesterday, jumping up and down, stomping on the floor, yelling... And she made a comment about taking 10 sleeping pills to just wake up tomorrow and erase the day. I haven't heard back from her DBT center yet, which is frustrating, but it may be the holiday. Or it may be because I'm not their client—she is. They may be cautious about advising me. I have bare bones therapy through Kaiser, but they're not available for emergencies. My old therapist did respond and recommended I look into an inpatient center for my wife, but I can't imagine she'll be open to that when she's already resisting just twice weekly DBT sessions and she'd have to quit her new job. I'm totally lost here...

Holidays do seem to trigger more extreme behavior.  The end of my marriage came on a Sunday when only emergency responders were available but it's not always a holiday crisis.

Right now on a holiday and heading into a weekend, you may have to depend on emergency responders if you need help if you can't manage to handle the next few days.

Be aware that calling in resources can backfire if you're not previously prepared.  In my case I had been recording my ex's aggressive tantrums (quietly, not waving anything in her face) for months.  I had a real fear that if an incident happened, then I'd be the one accused.  After all, I'm a man and she's a woman. :( Sure enough, when the police arrived, she claimed I was the bad guy.  The officer asked me to hand my preschooler (quietly sobbing in my arms) over to his mother and "step away".  When I finally did get a divorce lawyer months later he was surprised I wasn't carted off since that's policy in my area.  Two good things: (1) Our son clung tighter to me and wouldn't go to his mother so they just left.  My son saved me that day. |iiii (2) Once I had the opportunity to download my digital audio recording where where she had threatened me, the tables turned and she faced potential consequences for her aggression.

I prepared myself that if anyone questioned why I was recording then I'd explain I needed to confirm I wasn't the aggressive one.  It was hopefully impossible for her to claim she was actually the victim when she was ranting and raging.

Lastly, if you do need to exit, do so as calmly as possible and do try to take any minor children with you.  Phrase it as going to a park, restaurant or some other activity to defuse the incident.  You may be able to return after she's reset.  If that doesn't work, ponder whether you can call a trusted friend to come over.  Often people will control themselves somewhat if there are witnesses present.

If you do plan on leaving, even if it's temporary, I would speak to an attorney beforehand, and have plans on how to file for divorce and manage child custody up front. 

Physically leaving often triggers the pwBPD and they may escalate things to such an extent that you have to file for divorce to protect yourself and your kids at that point, so it's better to have this lined up beforehand than be scrambling to find an attorney on top of whatever insanity she's creating in your life.