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after dinner, I needed to go out and check on animals, I said hey need to go outside, I'll be out a few.
What would you like to watch when i get back- so sitting on couch in front of tv.
After no reply, as I was going out I said "I feel bad about not hearing any reply when I talk."
I heard nothing, so I went outside and took care of the animals.
when I returned, I was greeted with an angry person when I asked about watching a show.
I said hey sounds like you feel really angry and upset with me, and I can see your point. and left at that, then he got much louder and said, you had no reason to complain to me, you were being passive aggressive ... I said well I see your point and I said that I did feel sad. i didn't complain I just said I felt sad that i was not being replied to. He said that was complaining and demanded i apologize, I said that I just felt sad and wasn't going to apologize. he accused me of stonewalling and said that I always stonewall??
I just said I could tell he was really upset and i wished he wasn't tho I wasn't sure what I could do.
anyway he started yelling about how I was stonewalling and I needed to talk about this. Since all I did was say I felt bad... I don't think I did anything to apologize for... and I'm not passive aggressive as I just stated a clear real feeling... i'm not stonewalling.. i would talk if there was anything other than begging his forgiveness to do.. its getting harder and harder to not see what I should have seen 30 years ago.. and.. it just hurts -- am I passive aggressive? am i stonewalling? maybe I'm the bpd and I'm just spun around.. anyway the animals get me and have taken me in, even coming to me and purring or sitting by me when he starts.

Could I get some perspective- I've been reading, listening, learning and sitting quiet, he's disabled and just had a stroke, does this entitle ? I think not.... tho all this hurts so much if I let it...
thanks

Welcome to BPD Family, a site for those with a variety of relationship types to those with Borderline traits.

We really can't say whether you have BPD or not.  For that you'd be encouraged .  For that matter, everyone who comes here is encouraged to take advantage of the insight and experience of local counselors and therapists.

That said, typically we can recognize when something feels "off" and with these few posts I don't see it.

Likely you're experiencing some of the common Borderline traits such as Blaming and Blame Shifting.  I could mention Disparagement and excessive negativity too but those aren't limited to BPD.

Also, many actions and reactions could be compared to "passive aggressive" but your examples don't appear to be that.  Perhaps your angry person was projecting his perceptions onto you?

One of the problems with these sorts of dysfunctional relationships is that over time we are pressured and manipulated to doubt ourselves and believe the other's claims.  Could this be him gaslighting you?  (There was a 1944 movie Gaslight which depicted a slick criminal causing a young woman to doubt her own senses.)

I've actually been in counseling for over 5 years (trauma/ptsd/abuse) and my counselor does not think I am BPD, and says that I am needing to enforce boundaries. I am trying as you can see, and also using a model of fact, feeling, interpretation, intention and action which I translate and use to guide interactions. However, lately I am feeling very sad and beginning to accept I guess that there is no way to move forward and so confused. I don't know why i keep doubting myself, and I really truly would love to "discuss and resolve" however I know it will degenerate into begging spectacle of me being "punished" somehow and ripped apart and denigrated. I'm tired, and trying to decide if it's worth trying to create at least a "roommate" type relationship where I can avoid all the hassles, and also not abandon someone that is clearly suffering and likely to suffer more. However, not sure I can nor if I should. thank you for the perspective. It feels so lonely and my lively happiness at each dawn seems drowned and my child self seems to spend alot of time hiding/hurting/wishing. there is a bit of goodness and support yet as I'm learning so very much a crumb compared to a normal interaction where no one has to be wrong and both work to be close and safe.

Over on our  |---> Tools and Skills Workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) board we have a few topics on Boundaries, plus many other insightful relationship skills.

Surprisingly, boundaries are not as intuitive as we are inclined to believe.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries.  So instead, Boundaries are for us.  The perspective we need is that boundaries are in how we respond to poor behavior.  Yet it is not like for like.  A simplistic framework can be, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Often that means our response may be to walk away from the conflict, take a walk in a park, hike in a relaxing scenic area, go to the supermarket, whatever, then return once the other has reset.