BPDFamily.com

I am struggling right now. My daughter in law has not been officially diagnosed as BPD, but the more I read, the more I am certain she is BPD. My son married a girl who we had really liked in February after they found out she was pregnant. Up until then we had a decent relationship with this girl. And we were so excited to be grandparents. The most recent issue was when she realized that I was still Facebook friends with one of my son‘s ex-girlfriend’s, who I have been close to since they broke up nine years ago. She demanded that I unfriend her and every other person that my son has ever had a friendship with or a relationship with if they happen to be Facebook friends of mine. She has also demanded that I no longer talk about his time in the military because I “talk too much about that“ or the time that he was swept out by a riptide in the ocean and survived.


That proceeded to me, trying to explain to her that we have been friends long before her, and my so  were together, trying to convince her that I did not want my son to be back together with these girls, and reminded her that I had never said that to her, even though she insist that I talk about these girls all the time which is not in fact true.  She has even angry that I had crocheted a hat for one of his exes when they were dating. Long before he ever met her. But she is upset that I would’ve cared enough about this other person to crochet a hat for them.

My son, trying to create a good life for his unborn son and his new wife took a job traveling climbing cell phone towers. She doesn’t want him to leave during the week to make the extra money that he is trying to save up for after the baby is born. He also joined the reserves and she doesn’t want him to do that either even though this is what is providing them with wonderful benefits

We have now gotten to the point where my daughter-in-law is no longer speaking to me, she has not allowing our son to have much communication with either us or his friends, and she is not allowing me to know anything about their life. She is posting nasty things on Facebook. Although she has blocked me from Facebook, my daughter is watching her Facebook.

All of this really started when she got pregnant. And she has a history of mental health struggles. She has been committed one time in the past, but I’m not sure what for. She is now doing a program as of a week ago where she goes five days a week for six hours into a mental health clinic and then gets to come home at night. So it’s kind of a combination inpatient/outpatient situation. I am hoping that this will help.

Last night, I was reading back to some of the texts that she has sent me. And no matter how much I tried to assure her that I did not want my son back together with any of his exes, her responses were always very malicious. She accused me of Causing her insecurities. Not just once, not just twice, but multiple times.

My son and her came over a few weeks ago as we were going to try to talk all this out and ended up with her, leaving after she told me that I had watched her move a table in their new house and did not help her and then made the comment that I wasn’t sure if it would look good right there where she had put it. And the reason I allowed her to move the table is because five minutes before we have been in the kitchen and I had offered to unpack the boxes and she told me that no she wanted to do everything herself.

To be honest, I really do not care about ever having a relationship with this woman, any good feelings I’ve ever had for her are now gone. By having a relationship with my son is important to me. And possibly with his child. Although right now at this point, I have no feelings for this child at all because she is carrying him. And that is not like me. I was so looking forward to my first grandchild. And I am so angry that she is using this over me. To hurt me.

There is so much more, but I know that you have all had situations very similar to mine. And I just need to know how to deal with this. I should point out that she did make a comment to my daughter that she knew she had to make things right with me. But she has not made any attempts to do so and I truly don’t expect her to ever.

I am currently reading “Stop Walking on Eggshells“ by Paul, T, Mason and Randi Kreger. That is where I found the reference for this website.

I am trying to have compassion for her and patience, knowing that my son is dealing with something that he never bargained for and his life is most likely hell right now also. But he has shut himself off from us for the most part. And I’m feeling that that is maybe a survival technique. And I want to be able to support him. But it’s hard if he doesn’t reach out to us to ask for that support.

Hi,
It is hurtful when family becomes distant due to bpd , even if undiagnosed.   Your son is married her , and probably trying to keep the marriage together.  You are doing the right thing by focusing on you and learning what you can about BPD.  As a matter of fact the book you are reading will tell you to put yourself first.   Some of us (me included) go to therapy and or/ 12 step programs to learn detachment.  I go to nar anon since my son also has substance abuse.  Please continue to write here as you have need. We are here and understand.

Kubiac- this is a common dynamic and I don't think you did anything wrong. If it wasn't the facebook connection, it would have been something else. Your response is logical and not unsusual. People share friend and family groups on social media. A break up doesn't mean deleting every shared casual contact.

PwBPD tend to project their feelings on to external reasons, but the feeling is their own disordered thinking. This is your DIL's emotion, and it found a place to project on to in your social media. If it wasn't this, it probably would have been projected onto something else you said or did. Your explanation for not unfriending this person was logical but logic doesn't solve emotions.

The alternative- unfriending the person also wouldn't solve the situation in the long term, because her feelings are hers and not caused by the friend connection. As you see, the situation arose again with the moving of the table.

Your son is in a complicated situation.  If there's going to be any change in these dynamics for him- he's the one to decide that. You can remain on the sidelines, available to be of support if he asks, and also remain in contact with him, even if he doesn't reply but with some warnings (based on my experience with my parents (BPD mother)).

Do not say anything negative about his wife to him. Know that anything you say to him will be shared with her. Don't put things in writing or emails- they can be twisted and brought up as "evidence" by her at any time. Be cordial in her presence. Don't react emotionally. Read about the Karpman triangle- trying to "rescue" your son can go a different way.

I second the idea of 12 step programs- CODA for family members. The dynamics in families with an addiction are similar to those of someone with BPD. It can help even without a substance abuse issue.