BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, The past year my BPD ex who I haven't talked to in 3 years has kind of reappeared in my life. She messages me every few months, weeks, or days, mostly sporadically and infrequently. We are in our early 20s, she got arrested because the 30+ year old degenerate men who have been taking advantage of her made her hold onto all the drugs when their crack house got raided. My ex was living there as she is struggling with addiction and doesn't really have anywhere to go. She tells me she doesn't have a phone and she keeps staying with random ladies who I think she met from the program the court made her do. Idk, it's hard to believe. I've been told it's charming I've been told she doesn't care about me, I've been told so many different things it makes my head spin. She's said she misses me and would talk to me 24/7 if she could. She told me I should come visit her, and that she misses the days we were together etc. After we had a really good talk and she told me she never removed the tattoo of my name she got for me and that I should come see her she left me on read. I got upset and lashed out a little because she's been doing this since October. I didn't say anything really bad I just told her the way she treats me is PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ty and I envy her lack of feelings. I felt terrible after and told her that I was sorry, I just have trouble trusting her and I still have some hurt feelings from years ago I thought I had buried. I told her she didn't deserve that and while I wish things could be different, my feelings about the whole thing are complicated. She hasn't read it or been online. She has once again fell of the planet and the woman she was staying with even posted on her Facebook she had to call her ASAP. I just wanna know what I should do... I've dealt with my own addictions, but I've never seen anyone so deep into it like her. Is it normal for her to disappear and reappear so much?? I haven't messaged her anymore since as I know there is no point she can't read it. What should I do? I'm trying to focus on myself since I have been in a rut lately, and I'm going back to college this fall. I can't stop thinking about her though. Do you guys think I should reach out and ask her if she is alright in a month or after a while? I really do wish we could talk again but I feel like she has a lot going on and has maybe been playing games with me. Like I said I am trying to move on and focus on myself because I've been ruminating about her all day for like a week. If you guys were in my shoes what would you do?

Hey,

Wow, there's a lot here and a lot to unpack. First, I can tell you are torn, and I want you to know I've been there too. My wife with BPD had an amazing talent for making me feel responsible for all her ills and hurts. I realize that now, but back then I felt so guilty and obligated. Please know that you are not responsible for another person's actions.

Another thought I had reading this was, if you are in a bad place mentally or emotionally, you should first seek out someone trustworthy to stabilize yourself. Therapy can be a great space to sort out your thoughts and feelings. If you find yourself lashing out and apologizing over and over, it probably means you're not ready to re-enter the relationship and need to do some healing first. It's often said on this forum, but I'll say it again: "You don't need to make a choice right now."

We all make mistakes in life; life is a constant, progressing journey of trying to bring our actions in alignment with what we know is true. I believe making mistakes is part of the plan; we just try really hard to avoid making catastrophic mistakes (like marrying a borderline, oops, my bad). But even then, there's a reason people say "The secret to happiness is good health and bad memory." Dwelling on our past mistakes usually does us little good.

Have you read Codependent No More? Seems like it might hold some relevant insight for you during this time.