BPDFamily.com

This is going to be a long one so here we go

I meet my gf (ex?, not sure what we are) in 2017 and even from day one things have never been good but back then I was young and in love and clearly to stupid to see the signs and has been a horrible long 8 years.

I’ve always known she’s had BPD from the start which was fine with me I never knew to much about it so I tried my hardiest to support her as much as I could but no matter what I did was right and to add she also has a massive criminal history off assault on public members and police and other horrible stuff to add to the list.

Was complete love bombing at the start, she would do anything for me and nothing was to much trouble but now it’s the complete opposite-  she’s physically assaulted me in the past but denies it and says I hit her which is a lie,  she told the police I was stalking her and I got arrested for the first time in my life ever but was let go soon as they realised from evidence it was the other way round, from my phone evidence and police calls ( interview wasn’t aware I had made my own calls against her)  she makes out in the problem? And I’m a narcissist when 99% off the time it’s me apologising even though I’m not in the wrong just to keep the peace.
She can’t controm her money she spends like it’s free so she asks me to help her budget but will switch it around in arguments and say I’m controlling her money.
 

Shes not grateful for anything will hardly get a thank you, an has horrible mood swings recently she’s been told she has aspd but off course is refusing to believe it’s right,  when she’s been having assessment for years going back over 12 years.

Honestly I’m torn I feel like it’s all my fault but I know I’m a good person and haven’t done anything wrong

She can be so nice after and I just forget everything and go back but I know she’s gonna ruin my life at the same time I’m seriously trauma bonded

My advice is find a therapist to discuss this with -- from what you describe, a professional or professionals might be best to help you through this situation. Beyond that, I'd recommend going no contact. At minimum that means providing zero financial or other support to her. You may be thinking that helping her somehow invites the sort of ordinary gratitude that someone who is mentally healthy feels, but that's unlikely to be the case with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.).  But no contact should mean just that -- no calls, no emails, no meet ups. Zero. Nothing. Find a professional or professionals so you can start healing and find a relationship with someone healthy. 

In most relationships with problems there might be justification in trying to keep things going but a BPD relationship is unlike anything else - especially one like yours where violence and seeking to get someone arrested is involved. That's extreme and must be very hard to endure, even when you love the person despite all they do to you.

I ended my own 4-year relationship when it seemed she might start getting violent - that was the deal-breaker for me. I realised then nothing would change and I could just accept this as my life from now on or get out. Very hard to do but I know I did the right thing.

With a BPD relationship I think there definitely does come  a time to end it, unless the BPD is willing to seek treatment and make serious effort.

With my ex I eventually saw it as 'She can either bring herself down or I can let her bring the both of us down and ruin two lives'. There comes a time when even the most loving and caring of us have to put ourselves first, as we aren't the cause of the problem.

I can put my hand on a Bible and know I treated her well, tried my hardest, went the extra 100 miles, put up with far more than anyone should ever have to and just couldn't give any more. This is enough for me.

Best wishes.