BPDFamily.com

A BPD mother raised me. A BPD mother also raised my partner. We both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds. I have been diagnosed with cptsd, adhd, l1 autism with pathalogical demand avoidance. She has been diagnosed with CPTSD. She also has a BPD daughter.

This has led to a lot of parts work and deep self-reflection. I have a pretty good sense of what’s mine to own and what isn’t. I’m doing the work on my side. My partner, however, doesn’t seem to acknowledge anything as hers — the focus is almost entirely on what she thinks I need to change.

I did betray her by lying about my porn use. She believes I’ve also had emotional affairs. I am certain I have not. That difference in perception has become a major sticking point for us.

A pattern I’ve noticed is that something triggers a conflict when things are going well and we are close to connecting. The most recent example: I booked an appointment with a therapist recommended by our couples counselor. My partner later found out the therapist was young and attractive, and this triggered her. I immediately switched to a male therapist, but the situation still became a source of conflict. Past issues from a year or two ago are also regularly brought up, making it hard for me to feel like we’re moving forward.

I genuinely and unconditionally love her and wish she would work on herself, too. But I’m starting to think I can’t keep going like this.

I’m looking for insight from anyone who’s been in a similar place:

How do you know when to walk away, even if you still love them?

How do you separate your responsibility from theirs when they won’t acknowledge theirs?

Is it possible to build trust again when your realities about the past are so far apart?

Any perspective would help.

otter_kiwi

An insightful perspective may be to compare your circumstances to fleas.  Yes, those pesky critters our pets may bring in from elsewhere.  Our dogs and cats don't purposely go outside to seek out fleas and bring them home but it does happen.  For all you know, they may have gotten them after a visit to the vet.

We don't seriously blame our pets, it is just a part of life.  They didn't do it on purpose, yet everyone experiences the impact.

So perhaps you can ponder the relationships, also with your therapist.  Could her issues stem from being *past or continuing contact* with her poorly behaving relatives?  Essentially, is this from her FOO (family of origin) or is this an internal issue with her, or maybe a bit of both?

There are no simple answers - and for all you know she may not ever recover sufficiently to have a functional relationship with you - but her attaining a measure of recovery is more likely if her issues are less her own issues and more due to outside impact.  Does that make sense?

Thank you for your perspective — it helps because it feels so directed and personal.

A bit of background: Her parents and my mother have all passed away. She doesn’t speak with her daughter, who also has BPD traits, very often.

I believe she carries deep trauma from being molested by her father and then being blamed by her mother. That created profound betrayal wounds, and I know that through my own mistakes — including lying about porn use — I reopened those wounds.

The hardest part now is that she insists many things I do are betrayals, even when I know my intent and they are not meant that way. When that betrayal wound gets triggered, she reacts strongly. Then I react to her reaction. It feels like we’re stuck in a cycle where we both get pulled into our own pain, and I don’t know how to stop it.

It was the same for my ex, except it was her stepfather.

With my marriage it was a decade of gradually increasing stresses and triggers, much rooted in her childhood FOO (family of origin).  Then I conceived of a not-so-brilliant idea that she would be less distressed if we had a child, you know, a kid discovering the joys of life.  Clueless me, I had no idea why it backfired.  Eventually, looking back, I suspect in her perceptions I had stopped being a husband but transformed into a father, a huge trigger for her.  Within a few years life became impossible and our marriage imploded big time.

While no one knows your future, I would suggest you use caution before contemplating having children together.  It could make things worse and certainly vastly more complicated (custody and parenting issues) should the relationship end.

How to stop it?  You can improve your communication skills - browse our Tools & Skills workshops board.  We strongly encourage therapy as well.  However, you've already mentioned she is resistant to acknowledging her issues (as my ex did) and you can't make her start therapy or even apply therapy in her life.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are known to be resistant to be objective about their own issues, instead Denials, Blaming, and Blame Shifting.

I did try apologizing to my spouse as we approached the end of our marriage.  Endlessly.  As you have, over and over.  After several months I just came out and told her I would apologize - once - and only for what I saw was appropriate for which to apologize.  I didn't realize it then, but I had set a Boundary for myself.  Um, did I say my marriage failed?

Children are not an option at this stage of our lives, but I wish I had that advice 30 years ago! I need to figure out how to change the pattern of finding partners with these traits. It's painful for all involved. I greatly appreciate your input. Thank you.