BPDFamily.com

I don’t know where to start. I’m married to my best friend the love of my life.. 16 years Sept. 6th. Everything has gone to hell in the last two years, but really really bad the last 8 months. My wife was always quiet, shy and happy.( I guess on the outside). We knew she was an introvert, and had some self esteem issues. ( hell to an extent, doesn’t everyone at some point). Long story short we both work in medical field. She’s a medical assistant I’m a paramedic. Covid hit us hard due to staffing and of course we had to work more and had a. Hold at home struggling with online school work, but we managed. Nothing really bad happened until she started having an unhealthy relationship with another female coworker… like started becoming more hostile and complaining about work and coworkers. Like this was to the extreme. She woke up and got ready for work calling on the phone bitching about work to this friend, drove our daughter to school on the phone, worked 8 hours a day talking. Came home complaining on the phone, sometimes for an hour. Sometimes she would stay at work late consumed with hate in the parking lot. The kids became uncomfortable, I saw it. I work 60 hours a week. I would cook and clean and have dinner ready for her, only for her to delay dinner for this friend. When I brought it up to her attention… I was flipped out on. I become a bad guy. How dare I tell her who I can let her talk to. It wasn’t that… it was just so unhealthy and was affecting our whole family. When that relationship went to hell, as it did shortly after.. she called her a Narcissist. Was like a bad breakup. She found another girl in another office. Clinger to her… this one was and is worse. She has BPD and a very broken family and messed up situation herself. Lots of drama. My wife became way too involved in her mess and like the previous friend. It’s 8 hours a day of bad communication. Just drama and even being a friend.. I stated that to my wife this wasn’t healthy either… we had been doing much better since the last friend was let go. My wife fed on her rotten marriage “t” as she called it. Obsessed with it. We all tried to be friends. I had her over and helped her son. I tried to make it work. I ask my wife for a healthy balance.. that’s all. This friend has eating disorders , drinks and is very very impulsive. My wife became obsessed with wanting to be like her.. she became addicted to adipex (the weight loss drug). Found out she was taking 3 a day. Getting them from pop up doc in a boxes. She was losing way too much weight.. didn’t even need to. I told her she was beautiful the way she was. Not good enough. The kids became worried, as did I. The love of my life is slowly killing herself. It was so bad that she was caught running around the neighborhood at 4 am and sneaking through the doggie door to avoid the ring camera. Again, I confronted her and she broke down. Admitted she didn’t know who she was.. she was sorry. But we could tell she wasn’t remorseful. She said I’d rather be thin and dead than alive and fat…. Which she wasn’t at all. I was at a loss. I tried to get her help. This was about one year ago. She tried a few sessions. They gave her meds.. Prozac. Wouldn’t take them because she gained 2 pounds and made her tired. Fast forward through the holidays.. I thought we were doing better. Better than the previous year. I found out in February on her watch, messages to her friend about an “online relationship “ she had ended. Had been going on for about 2 months. Never met.. he was 600 miles away. But she did think about going, but didn’t. She ended it. I confronted her… she broke down. Said she was so sorry it was for attention and validation, wasn’t real wasn’t love. Just wanted attention. My daughter overheard… she came to me afterwards and said she was sorry.. she suspected it and overheard them a month earlier and saw her phone. Sorry she didn’t say anything to me. We were and are all devastated. She did her best to try and show it wasn’t much or very long and it was over. Was. Nothing. To give her a chance. I wanted to.. I wasn’t aware of this BPD. I told her I would work and try for her because I love her and it wasn’t real. They didn’t meet. I know she was depressed and said she didn’t think I loved her anymore like that. Which I did, she just pushed me away, as if she didn’t want it. I told her I can only try and show so much before it doesn’t feel reciprocal or wanted. I told her one night to try and have a healthy relationship with her friend. That a true friend would not have told her cheat on her husband or destroy her family over some bs feel good words. She should have not been involved. I know my real friends would never have told me to do what makes you happy. My friends love our family were in our wedding. They would kick my ass if it were me!! She cut her off for a bit. Just texted. She didn’t come around the house. Things got a little better.. if you can say that. We made the “10” commandments of us..had them framed and in our room. We quizzed each other on them. About a month later I found out she was back to hiding and messaging “him”. This guy is a piece of work. 34 years old.. no job, no car, lives with his parents, prior druggie, owes back child support. But was better looking than me. I felt like a nothing… I mean. She would give up our 15 years, my love, our children, home and future for nothing. To top it off when she ended it with him… he posted some of the nudes she sent him online. Milfs of the month, he called it. I tried to show her. She was in denial. He could do no wrong. He was perfect and I’m crap. How dare I try and bring him down. WTF!!! Depressed, emotionally destroyed, heart broken… doesn’t even describe it. I still feel this way. Even with therapy. We went back and forth… went on vacation and had a great time in early July, until the last day. We had just made out on the Ferris wheel, made wax hands together. I paid for a penguin encounter.. it what we’ve always called each other. That evening.. I saw her on the deck on snap chat. I knew. I confronted her.. she hid her phone. Said it was her friend Stephanie. It wasn’t. Was a guy in the top corner. I’m not stupid. She broke down crying.. saying I’m never going to trust her. Without any remorse or guilt. I felt suicidal… not going to lie. I have nothing. 18 years wasted.. all those memories and real love wasted. A home, a daughter and stepdaughter. A life that I saw as great as compared to most others in my life. I’ve had people say how they envy me. I thought I was special. I had hit the jackpot, the lottery. I’m trash… tossed to the side and discarded for a fake guy on the internet. I ask her why.. just why? She said she didn’t know. She just wanted him to want her. He was better at anything but she just wanted his attention and his validation. I’m not going to lie.. i considered taking my life. I mean, in this state.. she gets the house, my retirement, our kid, I have to pay for her to be set free and live in “happiness”. Why not? I’ve got nothing. I have a life insurance policy that expires in November 2025. I can leave it to the kid for the future. May as well go. Can’t live on half in this economy. I’ve never cheated, loved her, sent her flowers, cooked and cleaned. Never hurt her. I guess Iowa’s just a normal loving family man. No drama..not good enough. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have ptsd from seeing death and turmoil for 20 years, but I’m good. She even said she wished she had the meds I did and the turn around I did. ( I got help behind her back because I tried to talk to her but she was always up her friends ass). The kids knew. Two days home.. I told her I thought about going away. Best for everyone…. She cried and said I can’t leave she’s sorry and only wants us and me. The next day. She took my blood pressure meds and overdosed. Being a medic.. I found her got her to come to me in the woods. I carried her to the car and took her to the hospital. I stayed with her. Held her hand. Didn’t sleep. Watched her breath. She was checked in for a 10 day stay. We talked every day. I went to every visitation. She was doing better. I snuck her in love letters in her books. She told me on the phone that she knew it wasn’t real. They never met, she has BPD and has been feeling bad for a long time. Had plans before this and her friend knew. I told her I will take therapy with her. I love her. I do love her. I loved her, I love her and always will love her. She’s my “one”. 20’ years of being the one. Even through this. I’m getting help. My daughter is getting help. The drs told us to separate for 30 days for her to assess and all of us to heal. It’s been 30 days. A month without her being. Mother, wife my best friend. She hasn’t even tried to talk to our 14 year old daughter. She has a huge “disgust” for her right now. She stops by from time to time. She’s staying at her mothers, who to be honest has some issues as well. My wife used to say she was the reason she has “body issues”. They went through a bad divorce when she was 7 or 8. My daughter hates her friend told me that she doesn’t want to see her mother right now and she knows her mother is choosing to spend all her time hanging out with her “bad” friend instead of “us” or “her”. Her mother even missed her first concert we had tickets for as a family to go out of town with her friend, where she conveniently left her cell behind and didn’t contact her once. My daughter ask if she went to see her boyfriend? …Idk kid. I’m at a loss. She started Lamictal and another med.. not aware of what it is. Her friend is a drinker and talks her into bad things. Idk what to do, say or think. She started DBT therapy last week. She’s basically giving mixed signals. I ask her to try to save our family… she says she loves us. She said the plan was to come back home but she still doesn’t know what it was. Still thinks it was real. She wears my necklace with my wedding ring on it, every day. Sometimes sends a pic while at work. She doesn’t respond to my love letters. My attempt to show I’m here and thinking of her.. I’m faithful and want to be here for her, that I’m not going to leave her behind. She’s my best friend and penguin. I’ve purchased some books, watched a lot of Jordan Peterson, lol dr Phil. And several BPD therapists   I saw a video of a dr explaining “Limerence” I was like OMG it’s like she knew her personally and was talking to me about it. I forwarded to her that video. No response. She said “ I need to know you can move on and forgive. I need to know what it was and that I can be loyal too you “. But all she’s doing is hanging out with the wrong people!  She stopped by tonight, wearing my ring.. brought us dinner. I ask her if she had plans Friday night and would like to join us for dinner and and a magic show for the kid, whose only seen her 6 times in the last month. She said she has plans with her friend Stephanie. Right in front of our daughter. My daughter doesn’t want to go over there. She does not want her friend in her life.. I’m afraid it’s going to come down here soon enough to choose between the two. I worked a 24 hour shift the other night.the daughter said,”, that’s not my mom. I don’t want to go over there. She can get better and come back home or stay away” “ I’m not leaving my house. I’m not doing 50/50 back and forth, I’ll stay with you daddy”. “ this is my house, my bed, my pets I want to stay here”. I’ll tell her if I have to, but I don’t want to talk about anything with her. “. Her mother caved and stayed with her Sunday night while
I was at work. I got a call from my daughter saying she invited her cousin, my niece over because she didn’t  I want to be alone in the house with her mom. What the hell is happening to my family, my life… what do I do. I’m in therapy. I cry every day multiple times. I send her positive energy and thoughts and love. I work, take care of the house alone, our kid, and running her to band practice and therapy, take care of the pets. I’m running out of hope, patience, and love… never thought I’d say that. I needed to. Thanks for listening to me vent… I’m at a loss guys. Help me! Give me hope again.. I’ve turned to God. I cried on scene of a cardiac arrest at work. There’s not much left of this “man”. I’m, we’re hurting.

Hello and welcome to the family.  I am so sorry you're going through this and your story sounds eerily familiar to so many others here.  My ex wife also abruptly left after 23 years of marriage for another man, so I completely understand your pain and devastation.

First thing's first- you're a dad and must be the best possible dad, regardless of anything else.  That means 100% of your focus should be towards your kid.  Get her in therapy and support her however you can.  Also, I don't know if you have to work 60+ hours right now or not.  I'm sure it's a good distraction, and I'm sure you need the money, but that's a lot of time to be removed from your kid.

For your wife, she needs to heal and find herself...which is so incredibly hard when she's still in bad relationships.  This has to be at her pace though because she's sick.  Even though she's making bad decisions, she's doing it out of being torn apart on the inside and not knowing how to put everything back together again.  I'm sure she needs her husband and her daughter, but she can't handle the judgement or the shame/guilt it puts on her heart.

Again, this is mental illness.  As crazy as this will sound, you can't take it personally if you want this to eventually work out.  You have to forgive her and actually let go of that pain.  Everything that happened stems from her being sick.

I'm glad you found God since that's what got me through my brokenness.  Keep praying, and get tied into a local church if possible to get around brothers that can support you.  That's so important since you can't carry this burden alone...it's just too big.

I hope that helps and I'm sure others will chime in soon enough.  Please feel free to ask any questions.  God bless you, my friend.