BPDFamily.com

I really don't know what to do at this point.My mother lived with me and my 2 daughters for 20 years following my divorce. She was my best friend and we endured a lot together like the loss of my father, sister (ovarian cancer) and youngest daughter to suicide at age 17, and a very verbally abusive harassing ex. My mom passed away a couple years ago and my only living relative, my 28 year old daughter got out of a bad relationship and moved in with me at that time. She has bpd and life for me has been hell, especially with the stark difference of living with my mom who was supportive and good humored, my daughter is neither of these things. I have financially supported her for nearly three years and it has ruined me financially. I am at the point where my monthly bills exceed my monthly income. She has a job and works about 30 hours a week - she has finally started paying some money each month but because things have gotten out of hand it isnt much help. I am also behind on property taxes. I am a very patient person so I do put up with a lot from my daughter in an effort to make her feel supported and loved even though she claims I am the worst mom ever. I will never be able to retire and I face losing my home. I feel really trapped and it seems there is no way out. My daughter plans on living with me until I die - she has a very unrealistic view of adulting and also refuses to go to therapy or take medication. I am just trying to find a way to be positive and keep going, knowing this is what the remainder of my life looks like :(

As long as she doesn't have a legal claim to your home, such as being a co-owner or jointly on the lease, you technically have the right to have her leave and find her own residence.  Sometimes, though, the technical aspect is the smaller issue.  We've "been there, experienced that".  But it seems your survival, at least emotionally and financially, are at risk.

The first step in getting control back of your life is to research the alternatives.  As I wrote above, likely she does not have a legal claim to remain without your permission.

However, she likely will stir things up when you try.  That's called extinction bursts where the other will go to any lengths to coerce or intimidate you into reverting back to the prior status quo.

It may help to tackle one problem at a time. The main one (besides BPD) is the finances. If it gets to the point where you aren't able to support your own needs- housing, food, etc- then there's no way to help anyone else. Supporting your daughter as you have been, is not sustainable.

Where is the main money expenditure? The house itself, costs the same whether one or two people are in it. Utilities, food, and other expenses may be increased. If you are supporting her spending on other things- clothing, toileteries- this needs to stop. While you can ask her to leave as FD has pointed out- her staying in the house doesn't add to the cost of the house itself. You may want her to leave- but that's another issue. This focus is on where the money is going and what to change.

My BPD mother was careless with money. She didn't seem to comprehend limits. If your D is similar, then you are the one who needs to have the brakes on spending as she may not stop. As they say on a plane- your oxygen mask needs to be put on first. Having your adult D help with expenses is a good step but another one needs to be to change what is going out. Cut off any access she has to your money. If your D has access to your bank accounts, or you give her your credit card- you can put a stop to that.

Your #1 priority is your own basic needs- home, food, car, gasoline, insurance. How can you meet these first?