BPDFamily.com

Dear all,
My Story(in very short)
I met my wife almost 27 years ago. For the first year and a half, we were madly in love. Everything was beautiful and wonderful.
There were a few minor things that I now see in a different light. Early on in our relationship, she had an angry outburst that resulted in a chair being broken. I grabbed her and calmed her down. I have no idea what caused it, but I know it wasn't me. On our first vacation, after knowing each other for about nine months, she suggested that she wanted to move to another country. To live and work there. I was completely taken aback. “What about me, us?” I was very sad at that moment. We never talked about it again. It was never mentioned and it never happened. While we both still had our own homes, I came home one day and suddenly there were two chairs from her house in my house. I was surprised and a little angry. What is this? This is my house. “It's nice,” she said. I said no, because it's my house. The result: yes, I gave in and the chairs stayed. On vacation, she explained something to someone in a language she didn't speak very well. I jumped in, or took over, I don't remember. The result: she was furious. I was never allowed to do that again.
Years later, we now have a house together and two children. She occasionally has angry outbursts that are quite intimidating. Things sometimes get broken. Once she stood in front of me with a knife. Once she physically attacked me. I grabbed her again and pushed her to the ground. Once she tried to kick me out of bed. We always had drinks on Friday afternoons at a set time. Due to her busy work schedule, this routine fell by the wayside. One Friday, I come home and she is sitting there with drinks ready (after literally weeks of not having drinks). She is furious that I am so late because we always have drinks on Fridays.
During the time we have been together, she has temporarily moved out twice. That lasted about two or three months. After that, things got better again. We never talked about what was really going on. I was just happy that things were good again. Eight months ago, after a very intense period, she said she wanted to leave. I told her she should go. She left with the dog, leaving the children, the house, and me behind. She is in contact with the children. All she says is that she wants a divorce. There is no dialogue possible. Everything goes wrong. I got very angry last week. I am devastated. I see no way forward. She recently asked me if I realized how it feels for her when I say she should just leave. She wanted to leave herself! I just said, “Go ahead and do it.” Since I got angry, I've been trying to figure out what this is all about. She once told me that she doesn't have BP. Someone I told about my experiences also said it seems like borderline personality disorder. I think so too now.
My question now is, how do I reconnect with her? I know I need to respond with empathy, but I often can't manage that anymore. I don't really know how to behave around her anymore (when she picks up or drops off the kids, who are 19 and 21). I love the sweet version, but I can no longer tolerate the unreachable, angry version. How can I subtly open the door?
Thaks you very much for your help.

You will find excellent communication skills, strategies, boundaries and more on our |---> Tools & Skills Workshops (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) board.  One skill - JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) - doesn't work well with most people with BPD traits (pwBPD).  For them, they see the world in emotions and perceptions, logic doesn't work.

Better approaches are SET or DEARMAN.

Understand that she may not be able to truly listen to you due to her perceptions of the emotional baggage from the past years.  BPD impacts most the closest of relationships.  If she is willing to start and apply therapy  - actually you, your spouse, the children would all  benefit from counseling - she may listen better to someone with whom she's not in an emotional relationship.

The reality is that if she's determined to divorce, it will happen.  It only takes one spouse and the family court will passively referee the process.  Fortunately the children are adults and therefore there are no custody or parenting matters to complicate a divorce.

Let me add that your children too would benefit from counseling.  Likely they've grown up in a home with discord and some level of discord, without insight and guidance they might otherwise be inclined to seek out adult relationships similar to the dysfunction they saw with their parents' relationship.