BPDFamily.com

My pwBPD and I have been off and on for 5 years, but mostly together during that time.

She hasn't had therapy for her BPD, tried to go once, had an episode, and never tried again, and isn't on any medication.

We've had 3 incidents over the last 5 years where she either did or said something so serious that it lead me to break up with her, either temporarily for some space, or for what I wanted to be permanent at the time, which has really eroded her trust for me and a long-term future together.

Some how, some way, we'd always end up back together, but that changed the last time I broke up with her.

We had almost 2 months of no contact, before I reached out her to reconcile, as I had been going through some really difficult times mentally myself, breaking up with her wasn't the best reaction and I wanted to make things right.

Since then we've had some downs but a lot of ups, and until last week I felt like we were in the best place we'd been with each other all year, even though we still haven't gotten back together officially.

Everything seemed to change though, last week she went on a 5 day vacation with a lady friend, the first 3 days were completely fine, we didn't talk much but she seemed upbeat and I knew she was busy, but by the 4th day there was a clear shift in mood, and she mentioned that the trip had been mentally challenging for her but didn't say why, then on the 5th and 6th day, the day she was coming back, she didn't send me a single message, which surprised me, but I continued to give her space and didn't message her until the next day.

In the morning on the day she returned I messaged asking if she was ok and hoping she got home safe, to be met with a blunt "Sorry, I need time, are you ok?", I took that as oh she needs to rest and recharge after a busy week of travelling and socialising, but then hours later she's uploading stories on instagram of her out riding her motorbike and going out for food with friends, which she proceeded to do all weekend still without messaging me or giving me any explanation why she was being so cold all of a sudden, this is also really out of character for her, she does occasionally post stories on instagram but they aren't usually so personal and she would never post 10 in 9 hours, and just felt odd to me because she'd know that I'd be able to see them.

What's even more confusing is she wanted to see me the weekend before she left but just didn't have time, suggested we start a business together the week before that, and asked me last time I saw her with genuine concern if I was talking to any other women, so I'm feeling really lost.

It's been 4 days since she said she needed time, and I'm torn between giving her more space to process her feelings and reach out to me to explain why she's acting this way, or taking the initiative myself, sending her a final message, and blocking her on all socials, as well as her number, and going no contact for good.

I don't know if it's my brain that's making me assume the worst, but it really feels like she's already made a decision but can't find the courage to be honest with me, even after some of our deep/emotional chats earlier this year she never ghosted me like this.

Any thoughts or insights into what she might be going through and why she's acting out this way would be much appreciated, because I'm really struggling with figuring out my next steps.

Hold on a second.  Did she tell you that?  Note that if she is a pwBPD, she's never going to be able to trust you, regardless of how you behave or what you did in the past.  She's always going to claim she can't trust you, and if you can take a step back, you may notice that the lack of trust only goes one way, and it will only be used against you.

For example, if she needs something from you, or is just bored and has nothing else to do, she would call you up and ask for it, and the lack of trust wouldn't be an issue.  But if the roles were reversed and you were looking for something from her, or more commitment and accountability from her, I would wager her "lack of trust" would suddenly be an issue.  So keep it in perspective; when you're dealing with a pwBPD, you really need to "read between the lines" so-to-speak in order to understand what's going on.  They often don't communicate candidly and honestly about their feelings.  Also remember that actions speak louder than words. 


In addition to the point I made above, note that impulsivity and instability are two of the underlying characteristics of BPD.  From this link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder (https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder).  So don't put too much stock in what they say.  They have trouble following through and staying consistent. 

It seems to me though that she's operating under the assumption she's single and owes you nothing (regardless of what she says to you from one week to the next).  You don't appear to be on the same page as her, and are taking her word for things she's not being honest to you about.  It's almost as if you're not speaking the same language to eachother. 

You should be the one having trouble trusting her here...