BPDFamily.com

Hi guys.

After 3 years my ex hmu very infrequently, like weeks or months between messages. When she did she acted like she missed me and wanted to see me. I was genuine I miss her and wanted to see her. Anyways after almost a year of "talking" she got a new boyfriend. She also moved to the midwest, while we're from the northeast. Does anyone have any advice on how to move on? Even though it was a long time ago I really wanted another chance with her and my heart hurts again. She's so far away, I'm sure this relationship wont last and she'll have to come back, but it hurts seeing the girl I love so far away

I'd recommend you talk to a therapist, who can give professional advice on how to proceed.

What I'm going to say now is something to consider. It's something I would tell me if I were in your place. In some ways, it may sound a little harsh, but it's not intended that. Instead, it's meant to be direct and honest.

1) I'd go no-contact with her and extend that to not thinking about her. That is easier said than done, of course. The point is not necessarily to go cold turkey -- though it might be better if someone does -- but to recognize it's a journey that could take time. But don't talk to her, don't check up on her online, don't relitigate all the good and bad things you went through.

2) Focus on yourself, both to get more healthy mentally and physically and to find the best way to start the journey of healing.

3) Those of us on this board have had experiences with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc., which are often diagnosed, too, or in lieu of BPD). Some of us after can see what really happened -- we were involved with someone who is both toxic and has a profound, incurable mental illness. Others do not or, perhaps, they do but refuse to accept it.  That's the distinction between someone who is healthy and was blindsided by someone and someone who is unhealthy or at least less healthy and codependent. If you are the former, you will experience the pain of a break up and recovery, but you will move on. You will get better, and in time, you will see things for what they are.  If you are the latter, who will keep circling the same issues and likely get involved with someone like this again, maybe even the same person, even though you know they are bad for you.

4) Understand that the person you were involved with is quite ill. Their behavior is a reflection of that illness -- and not of you. You were manipulated by someone with a terrible capacity to use people for their own ends, with little to no empathy and conscience, at least as far as someone healthy may exhibit. No, I'm not saying they're a sociopath -- though such can be comorbid with BPD. I'm saying they were operating in a way that is so self-oriented, the damage they cause to others is immaterial, even if they feel guilty about it later. That guilt also does not stop them from doing it again. So, to preserve your own self and your safety, you must not make yourself vulnerable to them again. You cannot cure them, no matter how much you love or cherish them. At best, you might get them into treatment, where they might go into remission, but the success rates of that are not great, as it is a daily battle. And they will always be one small step from relapsing.

5) What you are experiencing may feel like love for her, but it's more like withdrawal from a powerful drug. Like the rest of us, you got used to how the person made you feel, and since she was so attuned to giving you that feeling so you stay, it was probably more powerful than any other romantic relationship you had. So, the withdrawal will be even harder. But what you fell in love with was more an ideal than a person because what she projected was mostly a facade. What you want back now is not the person. It's not even the facade. It's the way she made you feel. You can find that again. It may or may not be as powerful, but if it is with a mentally healthy person, it will be real. And that will be worth going through all this to get it.

Good luck. Stay the course.