BPDFamily.com

Hello,

For those of us that have been in BPD relationships for decades we know all too well the challenges of admitting to something that will only empower their disorder.

After several days of him shutting down emotionally after a disappointment in his life I am just giving him his space but it is going on 5 days now. This is longer than usual.

If I try to reach out to him it usually backfires with him acting like I’m admitting to being the problem when I have zero to do with this disappointment he experienced.

Any suggestions from ones that have experienced something similar?

From my experience there is not much you can do. We cannot soothe them, and they can't do it themselves.

They seem to want you to regulate their emotions, and when you can't, or don't understand fully how they're feeling it triggers them. They don't feel heard or seen. And then the negative emotions are directed at you and suddenly they replay every perceived wrong you've done to them.

I never had success. Someone cuts her off in traffic, a bad customer service call, wrong kind of chicken in her subway sandwich...it was all suddenly my fault and I'm told how I'm never there for her, don't care about her, etc.

Maybe just calmly let them know you understand they're upset or frustrated and that it makes 'sense'. Gently touch base with them here and there until they calm down.

also, never react 'normally' if they treat you bad. If they are rude, insulting, yelling, distant, and you call it out it's a whole new fire now. You're now abusive and not a good partner. Unless they're in treatment and actually trying, it seems rather difficult.