BPDFamily.com

This is an odd feeling and it's hard to explain but since BPD mother passed, we kids have been feeling the long term effects of the family relationships. We feel so disconnected and alone.

Although we spent time with my father's family as children, we also were separated from them in ways. The other members have had experiences and bonds that we were not a part of.

BPD mother's family seems to be in an entirely different world. As kids we felt jealous of their cohesiveness. We felt like outsiders and wished they'd have included us.

On their part, they assumed my parents were wealty and snubbing them but the avoidance was due to keeping them from discovering BPD mother's behavior. Maybe it looked like this to them but they didn't see the times my father was in debt over the spending. Although we didn't lack for things we needed, we grew up to not expect much materially, as Dad was stressed over expenses so we learned to not want too much from them.

After my father passed away, my mother told her FOO to not speak to me and we were almost NC for several years, not my my choice but that I didn't feel I could contact them and they didn't contact me. Then they reconnected with me during my mother's later years. They were very helpful to us. Now, since she's passed, they don't contact me much, or at all.

I think on their part, they may think we are snubbing them, but also they don't give us a lot of their time. They have invited us when they are on vacation, but it's far a way and a long day's travel for us and the timing hasn't worked out for us to do that. They seem to be on the go a lot and I think they assume we are too. But we are very quiet and private people, and homebodies.

Turns out that for BPD mother, I think some of her spending was "keeping up with" appearances with her family. Dad did have the money to be able to visit and spend time with them, but whatever money my parents had, after providing for our needs- went to BPD mother.

Now, we live in very different worlds and circles from her family and when we reconnected I think they still expect us to to fit into their lives and since we didn't- they've moved on. They don't include us now and also, don't really seem to think of us. I am the one who intitiates the phone calls.

I realize there's not going to be a bridge between this divide, we just don't fit into their world.. They are very interconnected to each other, but, to us, it feels like enmeshment. We learned to be self reliant and manage alone. Our own family unit was in survival mode.

It's an odd feeling of grief and feeling disconnected. I'm not blaming my parents for this- I don't feel resentment, it's just a realization and it feels strange. I'm related to these people but feel distant from them.

Notwendy,
Perhaps you are dealing with that the family relationships were never that connected to begin with, as the uncomfortable topics like your mother's BPD were never talked about. As we become more self aware and choose to have healthier relationships with others even if they are not family members, we can start to feel uncomfortable with the superficiality of other relationships. I often wonder why I have so little interest in family members I formerly had affection for, now I mostly feel empty and unseen when around these people.

Empty and unseen. That's exactly how it felt during a phone call to one of them. They sometimes invite us to join them when it's convenient for them. They ask us why not just jump on a plane and go but it's not a time when we can do that, and also we don't want to just go wherever they go. We'd rather plan a weekend get together -at a mutual time and place we all want to be, and I have asked them about that. Then I think they feel we are snubbing them if we don't accept their invite.

Contact with them is initiated by me. Sometimes they don't return the call or text. They aren't being mean, they are just so busy they forgot but it seems they are always busy even when we do speak on the phone and they can only speak for a few minutes. They seemed to want to reconnect when my mother was in her last years but now that she's gone- they don't seem to contact me much.

Hi Notwendy,

It seems like your late mother wBPD tied your immediate family to her side of the family. There wasn’t a direct tie from you and your siblings. The bridge to them is gone because your mom has passed away.

If this were me, I’d give it time and patience. Rome can be destroyed in a day but it can never be rebuilt in a day.  These family members might have a difficult time understanding why your family was the way they were. Maybe it’s hard for them to deal with your grieving. They may have their own disordered family members. There’s a genetic component to BPD. Getting close to you may bring up uncomfortable feelings of having to deal with a painful subject.

Wealth can put up walls because no one wants to be taken advantage of. I imagine most don’t care once they trust you.

I’ve accomplished some flashy things and I know some of my cousins feel some discomfort with it. I go ahead and be myself. It melts away with some. I only accomplished these things to support myself. I wasn’t trying to do it for status. These flashy things aren’t even that great or earth-shattering. It looks weird because my parents are immigrants and my BPD ex-h was a millstone around my neck. I did these things on my own.

My bpd brother slandered me with my relatives in order to gain a leg up with an inheritance seeing the trouble I had while divorcing my then-husband. I was weak and he covertly attacked.

I wrote here earlier about my attempts to reconnect with family during a trip to my parents’ hometown. Some spurned me but one cousin was gracious to me. They invited me places and introduced me to their friends. I’ll reach out to them once they return to the US. (They live near my parents.)  I don’t know if their kindness was simply being polite or if they genuinely like me. I’m going to give it time and not push. I’ll be polite and respectful.  I won’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t work out. I’ll be happy if it does like doing things together once in a while.

TL;DR Your family members may be giving you space to grieve, or they feel uncomfortable with death. They may have a disordered family member which your late mother reminds them of. You don’t know what someone is really thinking about you. Gently try to reconnect if you want. It may work if you give it time. Don’t expect anything but be happy if you do gain some closeness to them.

Notwendy,

This may be of interest to you. I receive a newsletter from What’s Your Grief. They deal with straight out grief and complex grief. I didn’t like my late ex-husband but had complicated grief when he died. It helped me feel not so alone.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/

From a recent newsletter.

Dear Reader,

Today's newsletter is a mix of a few different things. We’re starting with a new article exploring the judgments people sometimes make about grieving individuals and their losses, followed by a few articles on stigma and disenfranchisement in grief.

We know grieving people are often on the receiving end of hurtful comments, especially when their loss is more likely to be misunderstood or minimized. While some people can be unkind, we believe most have good intentions but sometimes say or do the wrong thing. And for those who want to truly support people who are grieving, it’s important to shed light on the judgment, shame, and stigma that can surround grief.

After these articles, we shift gears with a replay of our most recent free webinar on paradoxes in grief. We also share a few items from around the web related to creativity in grief.

I wonder if it has anything to do with your mom telling them “not to talk to you”. I know that a good amount of time has passed since she told them that, and circumstances have changed, but they may still feel that obligation in the back of their heads. My uBPDh’s family does not initiate any communication with me, they didn’t even reach out to me after giving birth to our kids. We have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids together and 3 others, 2 of mine from a previous relationship and one of his from a previous relationship. I used to send monthly pictures of the kids and what they are into to attempt to keep them connected, I check in on them every time I hear that weather may be bad in their area, I used to send a mothers day gift to my mother in law each year until I got told she will not accept a gift from me if I don’t allow my husband to have the kids no matter his mood (when we lived apart for a time being) so I don’t send anything any longer, I have comforted all of them after they have been the target of my H’s rages, including picking my sister in law and niece up after my H kicked them out of his place and drove them to the airport at 3 am. The list that I have done for them goes on.  They all know  how my H is…but he told them from day 1 that they were not allowed to talk to me, so they don’t. They believe my H’s every word, even when they know it’s not correct. I wonder if your mom’s side of the family was told the same, and even when circumstances have changed they still feel that “obligation”.

Tell Hill, dtkm and Zachira- thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I think it's a mix of everything that has happened. As kids, we felt like outsiders to this family. Ironically, at one time, they felt my parents were snubbing them, but we felt that way about them.

My parents didn't live far from them, and they spent time with them in person. Their impressions of me were through what my mother told them, so they aren't accurate. They had remained "loyal" to her and so, I think the request to not speak to me had an influence.

I had assumed the situation was a lost cause. It was actually they who reached out to me when they realized BPD mother was not what she appeared to be. I was the main person who was involved with her in her elder years but they were also involved and helpful to me. It seemed to me that they wanted to reconnect but now that she's passed, I don't hear from them.

I am also responsible for not including them in some family events, especially after they stopped speaking to me. Apparently my mother's family feels hurt if all of them aren't included. So now, they don't include us. I don't feel hurt by this- I don't expect to be included in their family events, but I do wish they'd pick up the phone and call me sometimes.

A source of disappointments is when we have unrealistic expectations of people. I think the attempt at reconnection on their part led me to hope for something more- but I think this is just who they are- very busy people.

As Zachira said "maybe not ever connected in the first place".  It may be that this level of connection is how they are.

Hi Notwendy,

I bet you have a pretty good read on the family dynamics.  You're right to feel some alienation and pain when others seem not to make time for you or try to include you.  I bet you feel you make all the effort, and you're right to feel irritated that it your efforts don't ever seem to be reciprocated.

Nevertheless, I think that sometimes, their behavior doesn't necessarily mean any ill intent.  They might be very self-absorbed, and they just don't even see the need to accommodate or apologize, because in their mind, they've tried.  They might think, We invited Notwendy, we didn't exclude her . . . she would visit if she wanted to.  In addition, they could think that they lead incredibly busy lives, while you have free time, and that you should be the one who travels.  They don't comprehend that you're busy too, and that you have other commitments or find it really hard to travel on such short notice.  I know that other people have applied this double standard to me . . . When I was a young woman, I think most people assumed I had all the time in the world (as most young women didn't work outside the home in those days), when the opposite was true:  I was really busy starting out a new career and working to support myself, and I only had two precious weeks of vacation a year.  As an example, my mother would think it should be easy for me to travel across states and visit HER for a long weekend on a moment's notice.  She couldn't comprehend that I typically worked a few hours at the office on weekends, and that I needed to "recover" as well as get ready for the week (do laundry, buy groceries, clean the apartment, pay bills, run errands, etc. between Saturday and Sunday), and that a weekend getaway would require some planning, especially if I had to ask for an afternoon or full day off.  By the same token, she said SHE was too busy to travel to visit me, though she didn't have a job outside the home or any children living with her at the time, and she claimed it was much "too hard" for HER to drive that far or take the train or pay for airfare.  You see how the logic is perverse?  Though she feels that it's too hard, too inconvenient and too expensive for HER to travel, she doesn't understand that the same could ever apply to someone else, especially her own daughter.  Even if you explain it, they just don't understand, because they focus almost all their attention on themselves and their own lives.  Clearly they are missing out on having a closer relationship with you!  But they don't know any better.  They might just be clueless . . .

I think it's cluelessness, a bit of the dynamic my BPD mother was raised in, and decades of misconceptions about me and our family of origin (so much was secret, so much was what BPD mother told them).

At one point - they had written a mean response to an email I sent them. I didn't respond in a mean way- I was shocked to see that but then also wondered what did BPD mother say to them about me? When I was around them, I was so embarrassed that they thought that. I am sure I appeared awkward to them, as it I felt awkward.

So, oddly, when they reconciled with me, they said they were so hurt by the mean email I sent them. Huh? I didn't think the email I sent them was mean but the one they sent to me was. But I didn't JADE and apologized to them. I don't think they have BPD. They also seem like genuinely nice people but there's a bit of assuming things there- and also possibly shaped by what my mother might have told them. I hope they have seen past this now, as they've been around me enough to have their own impressions of me.

This is why I wonder if they are somehow insulted by something I did or didn't do that I have no idea of- reminiscent of the dynamics with my BPD mother, and this may be just fear on my part. It may not be possible for me to feel comfortable around them due to the dynamics with her- this is her family. It may be that neither of us is fully able to undo our perceptions of each other as shaped by family dynamics.

Sometimes family members don’t know what to say to someone who’s lost a parent or spouse. They may not want to say the wrong thing so they stay away.  That happened to me with my late ex-h. He was not a good person, which people knew, so I heard nothing. Everyone scattered and ran.


That’s an astute observation. Many of our bpd mothers were the first people to smear us. My mom painted me as a bad girl to everyone. I wasn’t but my relatives would see me burst into tears at family gatherings. I looked like I had behavioral problems.  They didn’t know my mother was projecting her profound distress with social gatherings onto me. She was saying horribly cruel and abusive things to me.

I would do that too. I would cry at family gatherings, either from feeling embarrassed or some exchange with my mother before hand.

Some people though not most will eventually get it that the identified patient in the family is not the one with the problems; it is the people smearing this person to cover up their own problems.

Can I insert some lightness here?  I was recently reminded of the Brewster's Millions movie with Richard Pryor & John Candy.  It was about money and inheritance.  My county's library doesn't have it but I got the DVD loaned from a neighbor county.

My ex's family is so very dysfunctional.  My ex is always upset about them.  They all seem to be upset with each other.

Hi ForeverDad, I don’t think we’re being dark. We’re stating facts about being smeared. It’s more like the movie Mean Girls (2004).. Grown women aren’t supposed to bully others (it looks unladylike) but it’s happened to me at work and in my family. It’s a fact of life.

I know what you mean about fights in the family. I know who’s prone to start them in my family and avoid them and avoid ruffling their feathers. I like peace and quiet and a good comedy at the movies.

Humor is a good way to cope. We do that too- laugh at things to cope. I haven't seen the movie but it sounds hilarious.

It's not dark at all, just that I wanted to chime in and I was feeling impelled to add some positivity.  No pushback intended.  (I usually do my lighthearted posts on the Stump the Experts freeforall board.)  It's just sad that BPD injects so much negativity and lasting awkwardness into what ought to be pleasurable interactions with relatives.

I agree that it's good to have some positive thinking and not all negative. What astounds me is how much power my BPD mother had over the relationships in the family. As kids, I think we do wish for things to be better, wish for normal and get the idea that perhaps we can fix this, (even if it's not possible) and feel responsible for doing so.

It was my mother's family who seemed to step out of my world. I felt sad about that and so when they made the effort to reconcile I got hopeful (guarded but hopeful) but still it seemed that the responsibility was on me. I had to apologize to them for something I didn't intend or write- they saw it that way. It seemed things were going well but since BPD mother has passed, I seem to be the one to make the effort to connect to them.

So, of course, my thinking (from experiencing a BPD mother and because they got offended by an email and somehow didn't acknowlege their mean response to it which is "BPD-ish") goes right to "Are they mad at me? What did I do to offend them? What should I do to fix this" because this is how we are raised to feel in this kind of dysfunction and this is why I posted the experience here for others to look at too.

Of course there could be a lot of other more likely reasons that don't have anything to do with me- they are just too busy, they are self centered, they weren't that invested or connected in the first place. They may even have their own dysfunction too.

It makes sense one doesn't repair decades of misconceptions all at once, but I think I had hope it would- so hopefully over time it might get better, if it is possible. I'm not sure it is but I will still be available if they contact me and I will still try to contact them from time to time.