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General question here.  BPDw does not have any lifelong "hobbies" that are unrelated to friends/dating partners.  The "hobbies" she has had over the years seem to end whenever a friendship/romantic relationship ended.

Is this common with pwBPD?

In contrast, I have many hobbies or interest or things that I like to do that I keep up with no matter where I am or who I am with.  I think that is probably the way most people are.  I always felt that if BPD wife had a "hobby" it would make her mood a whole lot more stable, and the r/s more stable.  Now I am wondering if the lack of a hobby is a core trait of BPD.

Hi,

I guess I have a couple of thoughts about hobbies.

One thought is that pwBPD can have an unstable identity.  They seem not to really know their likes and dislikes.  That could make it difficult to sustain a long-time hobby.  I think they might dabble in a hobby in an attempt to "fit in" or get close to someone, but not necessarily from any genuine, intrinsic interest.  I see this as a manifestation of an unstable self-image.  I'm not saying that it's weird to try out different hobbies.  I'm just saying that with BPD, her self-concept seems very shaky and tenuous.  Other manifestations might be changing looks frequently, changing majors, changing jobs, wanting to change living situations--seemingly without a solid rationale, often erratically and impulsively.

Another thought is that pwBPD often feel anxious.  I think that instead of dealing with the anxiety, they typically retreat or isolate in avoidance.  When isolating, they attempt to distract themselves, and those distractions might be thought of as a hobby.  The pwBPD in my life will spend a lot of time watching TV, scrolling through social media and playing with a pet.  She could consider those hobbies--something she enjoys to pass the time and try to forget about her issues.  But I guess these activities are basically mind-numbing, rather than mind-engaging or enriching hobbies, such as making music, collecting, creating art or crafts, fixing things, gardening, reading, travel, cooking or playing sports or social games.  I don't mean to be judgmental, there are all sorts of hobbies and pursuits that can be enjoyable, relaxing, social and/or enriching, and they can evolve over time.

Maybe what you're looking to understand is why your pwBDP doesn't seem to have a reliable way to spend an enjoyable hour or two with her hobbies.  I'd say it's because her bad mood hijacks her, and she just can't find the mental bandwidth for a hobby, unless it's of the distracting kind (like TV).  Her mood is likely so dark that she doesn't enjoy anything.

The only things I ever saw BPDxw do consistently were:
- talk on the phone to her mom and her one friend (in both cases usually gossiping about someone, bickering, or otherwise spreading some sort of nastiness)
- argue with other moms in facebook mom groups
- watch TV

She would often say she was going to take up a hobby, but once she got what she wanted, she'd never pick it up again.  We had a closet and a couple shelves in the garage full of these things: a guitar and related accessories, an easel and paints, sketch books, a box of pastels and drawing pencils, a sewing machine, a couple needle point kits, and some other "projects" I started for her that she never did anything with once it was her turn, like a family tree for our daughter. 

I think she blamed me for being unable to sustain a hobby as well, even though I bought her all this stuff.  It's probably all in a landfill now. 

My BPD mother liked to read and enjoyed doing puzzles. I would consider these to be hobbies, so no, I don't think not having hobbies is a trait for BPD.

It may be more about attention and focus and if someone is dysregulated they aren't focusing but not all hobbies are making something, or doing something physical. These were hobbies she could do at any time, and they were a focused interest.

My he's ex (uBPD/NPD) has no hobbies. Anything that she has found that she's good, she tries to turn into a money-maker. She is a fabulous cook, went into business with a couple in a Thai restaurant. My husband said, " Give it a few months. She doesn't want to work that hard." After six months, she arranged for the couple to buy her out. She liked thriving and finding bargains -- that turned into a stall at the flea market.

We've never known her to do anything for just enjoyment.

I have known someone who described herself as "likely to be diagnosed with BPD". She was an extremely talented performing artist, in a non-fakeable way (i.e. it took years of dedicated practice to reach her level of ability). This performing art was not her livelihood, but she still participated in it, so yes, she did have a hobby that she had stuck with for many years. My take was that this person was higher functioning in public/at work, but struggled in private relationships.

There's a wide range of how BPD shows up in a person's life, so if your pwBPD doesn't have typical hobbies, that may be due to the uniqueness of your pwBPD (level of functionality), versus a broad spectrum "pwBPD don't have hobbies". It's possible that the more impaired a pwBPD is due to BPD, the harder it is to focus on anything besides emotional pain and turmoil.

This is a helpful angle:


A similar question would be "do people without BPD have hobbies"  *) and the answer is the same -- it depends on the person.