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We've been divorced with no-contact for 3 years, but I still relive my life with her every day. Rehashing old arguments, remembering the way she mistreated me.

We were together for 7 years (in my 30s, now I'm early 40s), and that period changed me more than any other time in my life, including 2 years that I spent in the military deployed to a warzone.

Over those 7 years my life gradually shrunk to being just inside all the time, sitting next to her. If I even went on a walk by myself, she would have a panic attack that multiple times landed her in the ER. There were a couple years that I left the house literally less than a dozen times the entire year.

She would accuse me of the most horrible things that I had never done - cheating on her, gaslighting her, abusing her. Finally, she had a severe episode on our 7th anniversary and abandoned me in the middle of the night, never to come back, never to communicate with me again save a handful of times to figure out the divorce.

I feel completely hollowed out from that time, incapable of making decisions, no confidence in myself, convinced at a deep level that any path I choose will end in disaster. I utterly changed myself to try and make a relationship with her work, tried harder and endured more pain than I had ever gone through anywhere else, and then it just ended anyway in an explosion of nonsense. And took with it all my life plans and security.

I want to recover, to stop living in that time. I don't want the negative lessons I learned there to define me anymore. But every morning as soon as I wake up, before I'm even fully conscious, memories and regrets and self-hatred flood my mind. I've tried talk therapy and even transcranial magnetic stimulation to try and feel better, with no real results as far as I can tell.

I was an intelligent and capable person. I've written several books, become fluent in multiple languages, gotten into multiple high-ranked grad school programs, moved across the world, been in bands. But now I just feel completely stagnant, destined for failure.

How do I become a functional human again? How do I have hope for my future?

Hi scrit,

I’m going through this same thing right now after a long term marriage to a disordered man who I suspect had bpd.

He passed away a few months after I divorced him so I haven’t  had to deal with him, thank goodness. I tried my best to help him and it was never enough. I put so much time and effort to help him and he fooled, tricked and scared me to death. All he wanted was my money and a substitute parent who would indulge every whim. He told me he cheated on me when I told him I was divorcing him.

 I’ve suffered with rumination as to why a smart and capable person as myself didn’t see what he was like at the get go.I graduated from a public ivy and was invited to take the Google Foo Bar challenge four times. I’m not stupid by any means.

I think we’re suffering with complex PTSD. I’m terrified of this happening again in my personal and work life. It’s so very hard to increase my self-confidence to push through to get over all of this.

I went to a therapist for help and she overpromised and underdelivered. Many therapists have very little experience with BPD though they may claim they do. I don’t know if that rings true for you. I plan to seek a new therapist who specializes in DBT and personality disorder early next year. I believe they have a better idea of how destructive and soul-sucking these people are.

I’ve helped myself tremendously by attending 12-step meetings such as CODA (Codependents Anonymous) . It’s helped me realize I’ve stayed in abusive relationships too long and can set strong boundaries to avoid this in the present and future. I can kick the bum to the curb. They’ve been kicked their many times before by the more aware among us.

 I’ve also started attending services of the religion I belonged to as a child. It’s given me hope to carry on.  I know religion doesn’t help everyone so please take that with a grain of salt.

It’s helped to get out of the house when the fear gets to me. The disordered are a sizable minority in the world but the operative word is minority. Doing fun things like going to the movies, taking a trip, or going out for coffee helps. The fear does not have to take over.